I Corinthians 13: 4-8

Originally posted Friday, October 24, 2008 at 3:56 am

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I always looked at that verse as to how we should love. And it definitely is a great template for that. But it has just occurred to me that that is how God loves us. Of course, I've always believed in the love of God, always known of it, but never exactly delved into what that exactly meant. It's just always been a general thing. But reading every single descriptor of love up above and knowing that that entails the love we receive from Jesus, just makes verses like Romans 8:38-39 even more comforting.

Something I feel like I've dealt with the past few months is specifically stated above - "it keeps no records of wrongs." And I know God forgives - we only have to ask, but it never stopped me from feeling ashamed, dirty - sometimes not even worthy of being apart of God. But that's a fallacy, and all on my part. Because though I can never forgive and forget, God most certainly does. And I may dwell in shame because of my sin, very well past the time I committed it, but there's no need to. God isn't holding it against me. I've sincerely asked for my forgiveness - it's time to move on.

I felt so guilty. I felt as God was telling me something, leading me to a certain direction, and I completely chickened out. I wasn't strong enough because I could act on what the Lord was telling me. But I had a realization today. God understands. He knows how hard it was, that I am only human - He knows exactly why I could've step up to the call. And instead of picturing Him looking down on me and shaking His head in disappointment, I picture Him smiling comfortingly at me, still loving me, telling me "It's okay, Chanelle. It's okay."

Of course, He would've been absolutely thrilled if I'd had the courage to go forth, despite it all. But he's not ashamed of me because I didn't, and I truly feel that in my heart. He knows my shortcomings, but is patient with them, because He loves me, and as the verse entails - "love is patient." And though undoubtedly it would've been better if I just would've pushed through in His intended direction, things will still come together perfectly. Albeit in a different way, but it still will - I know that.

I finally feel like I'm getting it right again, and it feels amazing.

You are truly all that I need

Originally posted Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 2:09am

I just had this feeling come over me.

The feeling of God's arms wrapping around me securely. His head on my shoulder. The sheer power of His endless love as He whispers in my ear, "I've got you, Chanelle. Everything will be okay - I'm taking care of it. I love you."

He's in this room with me. I feel Him, I absolutely know. There are very few things that I can ever be certain of in this life, and there is nothing I am more sure of in this moment than the presence of the Lord, reassuring me.

And how can I not smile widely? The foundations of a life I used to know are forever crumbling into something so perverted that it's unrecognizable. Things are getting more frantic now - I'm living week by week now. There's $162 in my bank account and nothing else is coming in. My meal plans running out, my jeans are ripping to shreds. Hopes of my childhood have shattered - the family I wished to maintain officially broken, and every single things lies completely out of my control. By the end of May, I'll be in the midst of a life completely different than one I've ever thought I'd know.

But why worry? "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouses nor barn; and God feeds them. And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?"

My God will provide for me, this I know. And it's hard to know. I was on the cusp of a legitimate panic attack last night, pacing my room as the distress and hopeless threatened to overcome me. But then tonight I sit here, and I'm the farthest away from that, because it has been confirmed that God is not going anywhere. He will remain by my side.

He is my only certain in life. And I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't know where my next meals are coming from, but I know they're coming. I don't know where I'm going to be living coming this summer, but I know I'll be living somewhere. And how $162 is going to stretch at least three weeks, I have no idea, but I do know it's going to stretch. That's the kind of confidence I have with my God.

So it seems kind of silly to worry. It seems very silly to have these problems take such a high stock in my life. Because how can anything truly be bad when I can feel the presence of the Lord right here next to me? It is the most glorious, reassuring, beautiful feeling, and in the face of that kind of perfection, everything else kind of just fizzles away.

Hallelujah!

Therefore let us pursue things which make for peace...

Originally posted Friday, November 7, 2008 at 5:18am

"Receive one who is weak in faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things.

For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables.

Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him.

Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.

One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.

He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord, and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.

For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself.

For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.

For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living.

By why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

For it is written:

'As I live, says the Lord
Every knee shall bow to Me,
And every tongue shall confess to God.'

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.

Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way."

Romans 14:13


Given the recent dissension amongst Christians in lieu of the result of the most recent elections, I had a note prepared, delving deeper into a case I had already made, hoping to make a point. It was calmly written - it was a passionate note, but it was not an angry or accusatory one, but definitely one meant to prove a point.

I posted this note, let it settle for awhile, but in the midst of my procrastinations and distractions, I somehow returned to the note. The in that moment, a strong feeling arose in my gut. Immediately, I knew what the feeling meant - take down that note.

Immediately, I was reluctant and determined to ignore it. Yet as I moved to X-out of the page, the feeling remained, and I knew it would be a blatant disregard to God's will if I left it up. Against better judgment, my reaction still was along the lines of "Well, He'll get over it. Tomorrow, it won't matter."

But then God brought this verse to my heart, a verse I had came across earlier that day. Romans 14:19 - "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."

And then He spoke to me (and I loosely quote):

"Chanelle, take down the note. You're not wrong, but it won't bring the Christian people together. Take it down."

So I did.

And it's true. It doesn't matter what I intended on fighting or how eloquently and nicely I put it. It doesn't matter how right I believe I am, or how good my intentions were in posting it, because it would've naturally caused disagreement. And though arguing has its fruits, when it gets to the point where it's pitting Christian against Christian - not just over any subject, but over God's Word, Will, and Intent - then we're teetering into something dangerous.

There's nothing wrong with a calm discussion, exploring different sides of an issues, and trying to mutually discover and derive a true meaning, whilst respecting and giving merit to each other's viewpoints. But there's a pretense set to these sort of discussions usually, and the intent is to discover as opposed to convincing.

But I had seen how other arguments on this particular subject developed - it was border-lining malicious with no sort of conceding and barely any respect. Given the subject of my note, there was a high chance that this comment section would've turned into a battlefield. As Christians, that is not what God wants from us - to be pitted against one another over a discord in beliefs, when at the heart of it, we believe in the exact same thing - the love of Jesus Christ.

Both sides were advocating for the same Lord, deriving their reasoning from the same Word, and ultimately came to a conclusion that they felt succeeded in glorifying the Kingdom. Perhaps we need to be focusing on that, because in this world, the last thing we need is a thick, black line separating the Christian community. We can argue over other things as much as we want, but I am quite certain that at least that is not God's Will for us as a body.

I am still highly bothered by some of the things expressed in recent days, but I just have to let it go. That is why I will argue no more, for the stability of our body is more important than defending my viewpoint and what it says about my relationship with God when I am quite confident in it already.

So we shouldn't judge or fight against each other - don't worry about what the other person says about a particular issue in regards to their faith in Christ and if it makes them more or less of a Christian, because the definition of a Christian is not up to us, and if a person's heart really belongs to Christ, despite his opinion on a matter - may it be wrong or right -"God is able to make him stand."

I guess it's less about making sure our specific beliefs align, but realizing that a person can, for example, believe that it is God's will that everyone has a choice (even if it is a choice that we vehemently disagree with), and still most definitely be a serious Christian, just as much as someone who dons the complete opposite standpoint, for "God has received" both. It is not that which defines our faith, but our love for the Lord and our love for others, and what we strive to do to promote both.

And if what we're doing is not out of love, then we have an issue. And I realize that the kind of arguing that I was participating in and potentially promoting was not creating an environment of love, but encouraging a divide. And that does not lead to either peace or mutual edification of the Christian body.

So I apologize for arguing. I stand by what I believe, but fact of the matter is, we've all given up our lives for the same Savior and are all trying to live according to the same purpose - His purpose, and derive our convictions, beliefs, and actions for the same Word. And that's all that matters. So instead of bickering amongst ourselves, instead "let us each be fully convinced in our own mind[s]", let's turn our focus and energy outwards in order to have a truly positive effect on this world by living our lives the right way.

From the Inside Out

Originally posted Friday, October 31, 2008 at 12:33am

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out

-"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong


I feel so desperate when I sing this song. Like it embodies the exact desires of my heart. The last line especially gets me every time. All the emotion nearly drives me to tears - not tears of sadness, not even exactly happiness - just pure passion and love that I can't even begin to express as the presence of the Lord washes over me. No expression seems to do it justice. I love Him so much, I want Him so badly.

And absolutely nothing else matters. If every fiber of my living being isn't dedicated to Him, then I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through life distanced from Him, feeling separated from His glory. Because I've been there far too many times, and every time I escape that dark place, I never want to go back. Because the comparison between being in the presence of the Lord and feeling distant from Him is so drastic - I couldn't imagine spending an eternity away from Him. That's exactly what Hell is - eternal separation from Him. The mere thought sends me to anguish, and I can't help but think, "These people really don't know what they're missing."

And I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks. If I have to go through life judged and condemned, thought of as less because I've chosen to put my faith into a Savior and to use every shred of my gifts and talents to glorify His Kingdom, then so be it. If I never win an Oscar because I'm too consumed with creating films that reveal His power, mercy, and love, then I will be perfectly okay with that. Because what is a gold statue in the wake of God? Absolutely nothing.

So I will willingly be used and abused in anyway that is called. I will allow myself to be emotionally drained for the benefits of others. I will sacrifice success by terms of the world in order to please my Lord. Because I owe Him. I owe Him my life for I have truly been saved.

It's the most relieving thing to feel the fire again after I let external forces douse it out over the summer due to my own weaknesses. But the beautiful part is that even though I was weak, even though I feel as if I failed, God never held it against me. He just continued to love me, and He's been telling me this repeatedly as I've struggled to find my place again these past couple of months. As I felt shame and confusion, He just smiled and patiently waited for me to open my eyes. Two weekends ago, I finally did, and it's gotten me to this point where I am walking down the street, and I'm smiling for no reason other than the fact that God is amazing, and He's using me to do great things, and He loves me - and all the pettiness of the world just disappears when presented with those facts.

People can see it, too. As I walked down Waverly Place this afternoon, I mused over how joyful and at peace I felt. A second later, a woman approached me as I had paused to pull my gloves on. She asked me if I was a NYU student, if I went to church, if I studied the Bible, if I wanted to study it more. Once I had answered all these questions, she just continued smiling, told me 'God Bless', and walked off.

Initially, I was just puzzled by this random occurrence and was prepared to just shrug it off as just another one of the weird things that happen in New York. But then in occurred to me - maybe she could tell. Maybe she could tell that my life had been touched, the God had consumed me. They always say that the glory of God shines through and considering how I felt, maybe it did. Why else would this woman with apparently no agenda, walking just as I was, approach me with these questions? There had to be something different that caused her to ask me this, and I'm thinking I know exactly what it was.

His glory is amazing.

Some may scoff. It bothers me simply because I've become apart of the most amazing thing - I wish everyone could experience it. And that's what I've decided to totally dedicate my life to - making sure everyone can experience it. If only just through a kind gesture motivated by the love of Jesus Christ, then so be it. But my life is His because without Him, I would have no life.

It is truly amazing.

It's a Sham.

Originally posted Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:14pm

They tell us to follow our dreams.
Reach for the stars.
That we're capable of anything if we just put our mind to it.

But they don't mean it.

Or rather, they only mean it in certain cases. The stupid kid that wants to become a doctor, because him not trying and him failing would leave him in the exact same place. And if he succeeds, they can turn it into an unoriginal feature film that raises a decent amount of money, and halfway jumpstarts the career of a child star.

Or the awkward kid trying out for the basketball team. If he gets cut, then it's disregarded and forgotten, and the awkward kid goes back to his Yugioh cards. But if he lands himself a uniform that he'll proudly wear on the bench, then can you say "hollywood movie contract?"

But the second someone wants to do something big, then those statements are retracted. And suddenly, we're to deny our dreams with our feet firmly planted on the ground, and true, we can do anything we put our mind to, as long as it's not too extreme.

And it's crap. The number one enemy of this world isn't risk-takers or big dreamers, or those whose ambitions may seem ridiculously unrealistic. It's fear that stunts us all. Everybody talks about it, but no one is willing to do it.

I'll tell you this - it's not enough to spout the philosophy. It's not enough to claim to believe. Act on it. And forget these double standards. The kid with the workable ambition and the kid with the risky ambition deserve the same support and faith.

Just saying.

The Easter Bunny Scares Me.

Originally posted Sunday, March 23, 2008 at 3:46am

The image of Jesus on the cross sends chills down my spine.

It's one of those things that tears apart my mind in conflict. To be able to witness the sacrifice that saved my soul seems like it would be amazing. But to see the One who loves me the most - a love that no one can even begin to fathom - writhing in agony over someone as insignificant as me...

I know I don't deserve it. That sort of love. The grace that says that despite of all my imperfections and my inherent sinfulness that I can enjoy eternal life and salvation. Not a single thing that God has given me do I deserve.

Yet here I am, blessed beyond all belief - allowed so many things because of a sacrifice that I will never be able to fully grasp. I don't understand - all of that for an opportunity that so many people won't even take advantage of?

I believe Easter's true meaning is even more forgotten than Christmas'. With how commercialized that holiday has sadly become, at least we are constantly presented with spiritual carols and images of the nativity scene. But come Easter time, all I see are stupid multi-colored eggs and ridiculously terrifying personified bunnies, when rabbits can't even lay eggs.

What I don't see enough is the image of an empty tomb - the image that truly separates Jesus from just some prophet who was martyred. Because even though others have been resurrected from the dead (a prime example would be Lazarus), this was only a brief occurrence, for they eventually died permanently. Jesus, however, died, rose again, and then still living, ascended into the heavens.

It's a symbolism of sorts. Just like Jesus was risen from the dead, we are risen from this dead life of sin once we accept Him as our Savior. Jesus mastering death by rising from it shows the true defeat of sin. The Bible often ties the concept of death to that of sin. Thus, Jesus rising from death mirrors that of us rising from sin, and the ability to do that, because of His sacrifice.

I could not possibly imagine having to go through the suffering and pain that Jesus Christ had to, just for a group of violently imperfect creatures who aren't even grateful half of the time for all the amazingness that surrounds them. We don't deserve it. Not in the least bit.

But I am eternally grateful for that blood shed. For the resurrection that occurred afterwards. For the fact that my sins are paid in full and the only thing I had to do was accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and try my very hardest to live a life which glorifies Him (which also benefits me in the long run more than a sinful lifestyle would, anyway).

It's the thing that makes me rest easy at night. Not the pretty basket full of jelly bean that my mother prepared for me. Not the overflow of pinks and yellows and other bright hues plastered everywhere. Not some huge, scary bunny seated in the middle of the mall, allowing children to sit on its lap (how the heck was a rabbit derived as the "mascot" for the secular definition of Easter, anyway)?

But the blood of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.

It's inspirational, you know? If He could go through such suffering for my salvation, than it should be no problem for me to give myself up as a living sacrifice for Him, despite whatever suffering and hardship that may result from it. I owe Him my soul, so I give Him my life.

Romans 3:22-24
"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Romans 7:24
"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Romans 5:6-11
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

Romans 6:6-7
"For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over Him. The death He died, He died to since once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God."

Romans 6:18
"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."

1 Corinthians 15:12
"But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? If there is no resurrections of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that He raised Christ from the dead. But He did not raise Him if in fact the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. And if Christ had not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins."

Ephesians 2:1-5
"As for you, you were dead in your transgression and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

There are so many more verses I can reference, man. The Bible is full of all this amazing stuff.

God is truly amazing and loving. So today I implore you to forget about that creepy Easter Bunny, but rather dwell deeply on and celebrate the ultimate sacrifice - that of Jesus Christ for our souls to be saved from sin so that we can have eternal life.

"Hodgepodge of semi-related dream based thoughts"

Originally posted March 26, 2010 at 1:02 am

Why do I need to make it?

Because it's my way to make a difference.

It's overwhelming, when I appraise the world, and all I feel like I'm seeing is pain. Everyone's despairing, they're all desperate for something - this world's threatening to swallow everyone whole. And I mean, I do have hope - mostly for myself, though, because when I look around at everyone else...goodness, when did the world get so messed up? But it's always been messed up, hasn't it? I've known this, but still, it seemed so far away from me. A tragic, alternate reality that I had always heard about, but kind of brushed aside, because it didn't exist for me in that moment.

Then it struck home. And I've never felt more adult in my life. We were always maturing, getting older, but suddenly, something has shifted, and I'm talking to the same friends I've always had, but we're not kids anymore. Turning 18, starting college - I thought it meant something, but that's not what solidifies one as grown up. It's these situations, where the stakes have been raised, and when I say this is now life or death, I mean it just that - this is literally life or death. This is that real kind of "here today, gone tomorrow." It used to be in a second, everything had changed. Now, in a second, everything is gone.

I see my friends dealing with things that I wish they didn't have to deal with. I'm living vicariously through their pain that I would do anything to take away. I'm standing their helplessly - done with asking "why" and knowing these things had to happen someday, but I've always been into procrastination. Couldn't real life taken a little longer to hit? And now I'm secretly terrified, because we're in a whole different ball game now. Friendships falling apart and parents divorcing - that was child's play. The adult's game - it's much darker. Goodness, is this what coming of age looks likes?

But in spite of this all, I know God is good. I know God is faithful. He has not turned His back, nor will He turn his back. I know this, I really do. But does everyone else know that? And you know, it's not really about me, now is it?

I have this vision. Of Hollywood, but not of flashing lights. Not even of fame. I see myself living to inject something positive into these lives. A smile, a laugh...love. God. I feel hope, and for a second, not just within myself, but for all of them. Goodness, if I could just put a smile on every single person's face. Crafted individually for each one of them and meant to last a lifetime.

Entertainment - it's a gold mine, and no one takes advantage of it except for themselves. When hardly anyone even has true passion for their craft, where can passion for the people experiencing their craft fit in? You can come at it with the goal of wanting to create the best thing possible. Or you can come at it wanting to give people the best thing possible. You can do it for art's sake, or you can do it for their sakes.

I kind of want to change the world. I think with my writing, my comedy, my ideas and whatever talents I have hiding up there - I can do it. I'm not talking world peace, total transformation, everything is perfect and the way it should be kind of business here, though. I dream ambitiously, but I know some limits, and I know perfection cannot exist here on earth. But I want people to know hope. I want people to laugh freely. I want people to experience the transforming love I have through the Lord, Jesus Christ. I want to see a change in the overall demeanor of the world. I want to be able to see light shining through.

And I don't care if Hollywood is the darkest place for a Christian to willingly jump right into, because well, it's the darkest places that need light the most, right? That's just plain logic. The entertainment industry has the most effect on people - my brother will probably more likely listen to Li'l Wayne over my mother - and to picture that influence twisted into something positive...

So I have to make it. Simple as that. That's how I'm gonna do what I've got to do. Do what I love for the people that God loves...the people that I also love.

Goodness, it's not even about fame anymore. It's not about becoming best friends with Taylor Swift or having thousands of people care about my random thought expressed in 140 characters or less. It's never been about the money, and I could live without people liking me. I just have something that I really want to do for this world.

So that's why I'm never letting go of this dream. That's why I refuse to subscribe to whoever's realistic expectations. That's why I only see one path ahead of me, and I determined to stick to it. Because people are crying out for something. This world is decaying, and I know I'm not a savior, but I pray that my Savior will use me to make a difference.

That's all, I think.