It's a Sham.

Originally posted Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:14pm

They tell us to follow our dreams.
Reach for the stars.
That we're capable of anything if we just put our mind to it.

But they don't mean it.

Or rather, they only mean it in certain cases. The stupid kid that wants to become a doctor, because him not trying and him failing would leave him in the exact same place. And if he succeeds, they can turn it into an unoriginal feature film that raises a decent amount of money, and halfway jumpstarts the career of a child star.

Or the awkward kid trying out for the basketball team. If he gets cut, then it's disregarded and forgotten, and the awkward kid goes back to his Yugioh cards. But if he lands himself a uniform that he'll proudly wear on the bench, then can you say "hollywood movie contract?"

But the second someone wants to do something big, then those statements are retracted. And suddenly, we're to deny our dreams with our feet firmly planted on the ground, and true, we can do anything we put our mind to, as long as it's not too extreme.

And it's crap. The number one enemy of this world isn't risk-takers or big dreamers, or those whose ambitions may seem ridiculously unrealistic. It's fear that stunts us all. Everybody talks about it, but no one is willing to do it.

I'll tell you this - it's not enough to spout the philosophy. It's not enough to claim to believe. Act on it. And forget these double standards. The kid with the workable ambition and the kid with the risky ambition deserve the same support and faith.

Just saying.

The Easter Bunny Scares Me.

Originally posted Sunday, March 23, 2008 at 3:46am

The image of Jesus on the cross sends chills down my spine.

It's one of those things that tears apart my mind in conflict. To be able to witness the sacrifice that saved my soul seems like it would be amazing. But to see the One who loves me the most - a love that no one can even begin to fathom - writhing in agony over someone as insignificant as me...

I know I don't deserve it. That sort of love. The grace that says that despite of all my imperfections and my inherent sinfulness that I can enjoy eternal life and salvation. Not a single thing that God has given me do I deserve.

Yet here I am, blessed beyond all belief - allowed so many things because of a sacrifice that I will never be able to fully grasp. I don't understand - all of that for an opportunity that so many people won't even take advantage of?

I believe Easter's true meaning is even more forgotten than Christmas'. With how commercialized that holiday has sadly become, at least we are constantly presented with spiritual carols and images of the nativity scene. But come Easter time, all I see are stupid multi-colored eggs and ridiculously terrifying personified bunnies, when rabbits can't even lay eggs.

What I don't see enough is the image of an empty tomb - the image that truly separates Jesus from just some prophet who was martyred. Because even though others have been resurrected from the dead (a prime example would be Lazarus), this was only a brief occurrence, for they eventually died permanently. Jesus, however, died, rose again, and then still living, ascended into the heavens.

It's a symbolism of sorts. Just like Jesus was risen from the dead, we are risen from this dead life of sin once we accept Him as our Savior. Jesus mastering death by rising from it shows the true defeat of sin. The Bible often ties the concept of death to that of sin. Thus, Jesus rising from death mirrors that of us rising from sin, and the ability to do that, because of His sacrifice.

I could not possibly imagine having to go through the suffering and pain that Jesus Christ had to, just for a group of violently imperfect creatures who aren't even grateful half of the time for all the amazingness that surrounds them. We don't deserve it. Not in the least bit.

But I am eternally grateful for that blood shed. For the resurrection that occurred afterwards. For the fact that my sins are paid in full and the only thing I had to do was accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and try my very hardest to live a life which glorifies Him (which also benefits me in the long run more than a sinful lifestyle would, anyway).

It's the thing that makes me rest easy at night. Not the pretty basket full of jelly bean that my mother prepared for me. Not the overflow of pinks and yellows and other bright hues plastered everywhere. Not some huge, scary bunny seated in the middle of the mall, allowing children to sit on its lap (how the heck was a rabbit derived as the "mascot" for the secular definition of Easter, anyway)?

But the blood of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.

It's inspirational, you know? If He could go through such suffering for my salvation, than it should be no problem for me to give myself up as a living sacrifice for Him, despite whatever suffering and hardship that may result from it. I owe Him my soul, so I give Him my life.

Romans 3:22-24
"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Romans 7:24
"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Romans 5:6-11
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

Romans 6:6-7
"For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over Him. The death He died, He died to since once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God."

Romans 6:18
"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."

1 Corinthians 15:12
"But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? If there is no resurrections of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that He raised Christ from the dead. But He did not raise Him if in fact the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. And if Christ had not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins."

Ephesians 2:1-5
"As for you, you were dead in your transgression and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

There are so many more verses I can reference, man. The Bible is full of all this amazing stuff.

God is truly amazing and loving. So today I implore you to forget about that creepy Easter Bunny, but rather dwell deeply on and celebrate the ultimate sacrifice - that of Jesus Christ for our souls to be saved from sin so that we can have eternal life.

"Hodgepodge of semi-related dream based thoughts"

Originally posted March 26, 2010 at 1:02 am

Why do I need to make it?

Because it's my way to make a difference.

It's overwhelming, when I appraise the world, and all I feel like I'm seeing is pain. Everyone's despairing, they're all desperate for something - this world's threatening to swallow everyone whole. And I mean, I do have hope - mostly for myself, though, because when I look around at everyone else...goodness, when did the world get so messed up? But it's always been messed up, hasn't it? I've known this, but still, it seemed so far away from me. A tragic, alternate reality that I had always heard about, but kind of brushed aside, because it didn't exist for me in that moment.

Then it struck home. And I've never felt more adult in my life. We were always maturing, getting older, but suddenly, something has shifted, and I'm talking to the same friends I've always had, but we're not kids anymore. Turning 18, starting college - I thought it meant something, but that's not what solidifies one as grown up. It's these situations, where the stakes have been raised, and when I say this is now life or death, I mean it just that - this is literally life or death. This is that real kind of "here today, gone tomorrow." It used to be in a second, everything had changed. Now, in a second, everything is gone.

I see my friends dealing with things that I wish they didn't have to deal with. I'm living vicariously through their pain that I would do anything to take away. I'm standing their helplessly - done with asking "why" and knowing these things had to happen someday, but I've always been into procrastination. Couldn't real life taken a little longer to hit? And now I'm secretly terrified, because we're in a whole different ball game now. Friendships falling apart and parents divorcing - that was child's play. The adult's game - it's much darker. Goodness, is this what coming of age looks likes?

But in spite of this all, I know God is good. I know God is faithful. He has not turned His back, nor will He turn his back. I know this, I really do. But does everyone else know that? And you know, it's not really about me, now is it?

I have this vision. Of Hollywood, but not of flashing lights. Not even of fame. I see myself living to inject something positive into these lives. A smile, a laugh...love. God. I feel hope, and for a second, not just within myself, but for all of them. Goodness, if I could just put a smile on every single person's face. Crafted individually for each one of them and meant to last a lifetime.

Entertainment - it's a gold mine, and no one takes advantage of it except for themselves. When hardly anyone even has true passion for their craft, where can passion for the people experiencing their craft fit in? You can come at it with the goal of wanting to create the best thing possible. Or you can come at it wanting to give people the best thing possible. You can do it for art's sake, or you can do it for their sakes.

I kind of want to change the world. I think with my writing, my comedy, my ideas and whatever talents I have hiding up there - I can do it. I'm not talking world peace, total transformation, everything is perfect and the way it should be kind of business here, though. I dream ambitiously, but I know some limits, and I know perfection cannot exist here on earth. But I want people to know hope. I want people to laugh freely. I want people to experience the transforming love I have through the Lord, Jesus Christ. I want to see a change in the overall demeanor of the world. I want to be able to see light shining through.

And I don't care if Hollywood is the darkest place for a Christian to willingly jump right into, because well, it's the darkest places that need light the most, right? That's just plain logic. The entertainment industry has the most effect on people - my brother will probably more likely listen to Li'l Wayne over my mother - and to picture that influence twisted into something positive...

So I have to make it. Simple as that. That's how I'm gonna do what I've got to do. Do what I love for the people that God loves...the people that I also love.

Goodness, it's not even about fame anymore. It's not about becoming best friends with Taylor Swift or having thousands of people care about my random thought expressed in 140 characters or less. It's never been about the money, and I could live without people liking me. I just have something that I really want to do for this world.

So that's why I'm never letting go of this dream. That's why I refuse to subscribe to whoever's realistic expectations. That's why I only see one path ahead of me, and I determined to stick to it. Because people are crying out for something. This world is decaying, and I know I'm not a savior, but I pray that my Savior will use me to make a difference.

That's all, I think.

"Attempted Poetics"

Originally posted November 21, 2008 at 5:09pm

First semester of senior year was characterized by a summer breeze in those islands in the stream, by death threats from Carroll, fake infants made from blankets, accusations against my maturity - comparable of that of a simple five year old - saving the cafeteria from peril, wearing homemade bonnets, creating catch phrases, and offering foot washing services to bathroom patrons.

It was characterized by rednecks and situations turned ugly...three times! A hillbilly rap that revolutionized the school and a ridiculous truck line. Tiny ones with their duck stew and skinny ones with their baggage and tall ones who broke hearts without even realizing it. Then Taylor Swift appreciated for the first time in the back of a SUV, delivering wreaths and guided by an automated voice.

It was characterized by decay - decaying morals and friendships and resolve and deer carcasses, laying in front of my car. Best friend crying in front of her car courtesy of a psycho ex-girlfriend. Parking in the same spot, everyday - the jeep that used to park right next to me, but then moved three spaces down. Wishing certain cars would park just a little bit closer so I could scrape them when I opened my door. Tying ribbons and tampons to antennas and using spit on kleenex to wipe off the retaliation written across my windows.

Playing the role of the confidant. Stepping into the place of the secret keeper. Never getting anything in return. Frustrations abound and trying to hard for something that was never meant to work. Realizing the true meaning of the bonds I made with dreams of escaping off to New York City to leave the truth behind forever. Confessions over online messages and feigning innocence as the family fell apart. Wishing and praying that it would all finally be over - that I could just move on.

Threats and faux-restraining orders and myspace wars raged. IMs that incited tensions and changed lives. Overplayed Jason Mraz songs on my iPod, skipping CDs in my car - Shakira’s Fool during the day, Mraz’s Tonight Not Again at the nights, and Justin’s Lovestoned once the weather turned cold. Twisting and turning lyrics so they’d mean something to me.

Oh, the horror of Saw movie marathons and hysterical tricycling clowns and unnecessary blood and gore. The horror of how I felt and what it meant and the horror of secret myspaces full of disturbing imagery of what happened when a girl lost all of her esteem. The horror of reality when the day after I tried to quit caring, I found out who had hit rock bottom and how I could do absolutely nothing to help it. And crying, from the fear. Sobbing at the terror. Weeping..oh, the horror!

Standing in the bonus room, phone to my ear, singing on love, in sadness, waiting in anxious anticipation for the chance to change or ruin it all...

Sitting on the computer the day after, filling out a myspace survey that lead to the ushering in of a new era when I revealed the location of who I now considered my best friend.

High speed chase down Clinard Farm Road, laughing and yearning, revving engines, and receiving vague voicemails from angry mothers protecting over-dramatic offspring. Faking excuses, then officially knowing that it was finally over.

And standing there amongst family on New Years Eve, counting down and not knowing what to expect, but forever glad that I was finally escaping that dreadful year of 2006.

Officially ushering in the year documenting a six hour car trip and watching Hannah Montana date her brother and menstruating, which had to be a bad omen because it was only the first day, and already I was bleeding.

Skipping basketball practice the next day because of excruciating cramps and laying on the couch that night watching an obscure Cameron Diaz movie on HBO with my mother, hoping I’d hear the garage door open and the Beemer drive in and my father walk through, but not getting my wish until hours later as I lie awake pathetically in bed.

Shooting off a text right before I cut off the lights - one that proved my weakness. One that proved that somehow somewhere, I still cared.

Impromptu shooting for the dreaded senior project and having a great night once it was all over and done with plenty of cake and innuendoes from someone you wouldn’t expect. And hearing about that dang party everywhere I turned and not wanting to go, but feeling that everyone else was invited simply to rub it in my face.

Dreams crushed by a 28.5 inch ball, bricking off the rim and slamming into my once hopeful heart. Loyal friends attending games they didn’t have to and former friends showing up for the game after mine when they wouldn’t come at all the year before. Cursing and crying mingling in the locker room. Not being able to love it anymore.

Then it was over. Dreading the next, but knowing it was the last. And amazed at how far I’d slid and how much that had changed in a matter of mere months.

My advice:

Originally Wednesday, November 12 at 11:27 pm

Never regret anything. Do not let yourself miss out on something because you're afraid of getting too deeply in. Do not deny your emotions; embrace them. It might hurt you at first, but it's better in the long run. Do not cheat yourself out of a complete life.

And some people are beautiful just the way they are. And though change is inevitable, not everything has to change. Always keep your essense, no matter what. Never let a chance slip. Don't be afraid of the truth. And appreciate what you have while you still have it. Because one day, you won't have it anymore.

And when you don't have it anymore, do not get caught up in the past. Respect the past, remember the past, but do not get caught up in it. Because remember the past is just exactly that. It's in the past. It cannot be altered. It's already done and over with. Just accept that and move on and try to make sure that your future makes up for your present.

It's better that way.

From November 12, 2006

"Feeling good."

Originally posted Friday, October 10, 2008 at 9:31pm

Maybe you can't live an amazing life all the time. But to live it in moments is better than to never have lived it at all. And if in another second, this feeling goes away, then that's okay - as long as I've got it right now.

And this isn't some theory of instant gratification. It's taking the good, knowing that there's going to be bad, but getting to the bad when it comes. I've made that mistake before - not ever being able to enjoy those spurts of amazingness because I was so worried as to when it was going to end, because I knew it was going to end. Well, of course it's going to end - life's cyclic, but if fear of the future is going to keep you from enjoying the present, then you might as well not ever be happy.

"Ha, I'm completely horrible"

Originally posted Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 2:04 am

Want to read about in detail some of the craziest things I did in high school? Sure you do! I came across an old list I had made, by the way. So all of this is not from the top of my head at 2 in the morning.

Ninth Grade

At lunch, when it got warm enough to sit outside, I would stand up on the picnic tables, and sing and dance. Some people were amused. Most people thought I was retarded. I did it anyway, even though my friends disowned me. Those friendships were pretty shallow back then. Now I know Beth would be dancing with me...well, she better haha.

One time, my friend Holly let me have her pudding cup, and I ate the entire thing sensuously with my tongue, aimed at Beth's then boyfriend, the infamous Garrett. He was incredibly uncomfortable, but everybody else was amused...and somewhat put off.

After school on day, Beth and I were walking down the stairs, and I came across a random lunch tray just laying them. There was slaw on the lunch tray. So, being fourteen, I punted it against the wall, much to Beth's amusement. Later, I found out that she...well, I won't reveal that, haha.

The week of Valentines Day, we were given the option to send out Valentines to whoever we wanted to be delivered on that Friday. I bought multiple ones, signed them as 'your secret admirer', (foolishly) put my phone number on them, and sent them to four guys on the men's basketball team...and Garrett haha

I had Creative Writing my second semester, so prompted by a book, I created the story of Toxic, which was fictional, but used the same people in my life, and twisted actual happenings in my life. It became a cult classic and some if it can now be read still on my myspace blog, if you go far enough back in its archives.

Tenth Grade

This was apparently a kind of uneventful year, but on the first day, I took it upon myself to harass freshmen. Stealing a line from Mean Girls, I went up to one and said "You're really pretty." He just nodded. "So you agree?" He nodded again. "You think you're really pretty?" He was sort of bewildered. My friends thought it was funny. I could still point out that freshman during my senior year.

We had a carnival that year, and at the time, Beth was dating a complete gonchhole who was being incredibly immature and annoying. Beth and others were manning the "Pie a Teacher in the face" booth, so I stole a pie and pied her boyfriend in the face. Garrett, who was also constantly harassed by this boy, followed up with another pie. It was a beautiful moment.

Every year at our school, there was Winter Ball. I didn't go during ninth grade, but decided that I was gonna go during tenth, but not tell anyone. Actually, I had to tell Katie and Alex, 'cause I had lunch with them and that's when the Winter Ball tickets were sold, but I didn't tell Beth. Come Winter Ball, I showed up late and to everybody's surprise. Then danced like a maniac, using my shawl as a tool to lure people in. Those who have been to Club Chanelle, it was similar to how I use my scarf.

This time on Valentines Day, we had the option to buy song-a-grams for people. So Katie and I chipped it to buy a song-a-gram for our beloved Garrett. The song we chose to be sung to him? Pretty Woman. He was mortified. I was congratulated on it a few times, haha.

Eleventh Grade

Randomly in Boulton's class, Beth started singing the song "Get It" by the Ying Yang Twins, but added weird sound effects to it. So it went like this: "Get it, girl. Bum bum. Ding ding. Wikki wikki." So her, Alex, and I got the bright idea to perform that version in the middle of class. We used the pencil sharpener as one of our instruments. Boulton got mad and threatened to kick us out of the room and write us up, haha.

Speaking of Boulton's class, I was a generally disturbance, since I sat in between two of my closest friends, so I was forever getting called out by him in that class. So one day, I made it my mission to see how many times I could get called out by him in one day. I made it to three until he caught up and got mad.

Okay, his class was just crazy. In one of the history books, someone had created a game where you started at the beginning, and you were told to turn to certain pages. On each page, there was something funny made using the pictures in the book. So Beth and I decided to create our own "history book game", which was hilarious, but highly inappropriate. We had a ball showing it to other people, until Boulton caught it. Not us, but the book. He then lectured both of his classes about defiling history books.

After school one day, I decided to sit on top of Beth's jeep and yell out random things, like some drunken and crazy hobo to everyone in the student parking lot. That was kind of crazy.

On club picture day, Katie and I decided to crash as many club pictures as we possibly could. So if you have a yearbook from the 2005-2006 school year at Southwest, you'll see my image in a bunch of clubs that I was not a member of. Ironically, I was in the Spanish Club, but not in the picture, because they did that one over.

One day after school, Beth and I used aluminum foil to make "grillz", blasted rap music, and rode around the school parking lot, like gangstas.

I also wrote a funny musical about my 11th grade year.

In AP English, we had to do a project on aphorisms, which are wise little sayings, and present them in a clever way with a theme. Being the controversial person I am, I did mine on sex aphorisms. How did I present them? In a box labeled "aphoraga." Get it? C'mon, you have to get it. Hiller loved it.

Apparently, I'd spurt out "Yo soy muy attractiva!" random times during my H Spanish 4 class.

Last period, second semester, I had class in the quads, which were pretty much just upgraded trailers that had four classrooms each in them. I had AP Stats that semester and Mr. Parker always let us go outside to do our work. In the quad right next to us, Beth had French, and the window would always be open. So when we were outside, I'd talk to her secretly through the window, and at some points, sneak in through the window.

At Katie's birthday party, I sang a great and seductive rendition of "Don'tcha" by the Pussycat Dolls, dedicated to Katie's boyfriend.

Twelfth Grade

First semester, early in the school year, I used my jacket as a cape and claimed to be "Super Chanelle." I ran through the cafeteria like a superhero (retard haha), and acted like I was saving people from hunger. The people at my lunch table thought it was funny. Beth thought it was so funny that she spewed her Cheerwine all over Meaghan, haha.

When Beth began hanging out/dating rednecks (haha), I wrote a rap called "Black Redneck" and performed it constantly for a month. People would always request it. Second semester, Beth and I tried out for the talent show using it. And we made it, somehow. And performed, offended black people from Andrews, and go booed, but also cheered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuydA1qxWOM - The first (and most famous) verse of the rap, performed live.

In AP English 12, we had to do a advertising project, based on 1984. The ad I picked was one for tampons. So for my presentation, I created a personified tampon, known as "Mr. Tampon", which was a tampon with a smiley face on it, that I held as I presented my project.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRzpI8o70k0 - Mr. Tampon on the Beth and Chanelle show.

On one of the colder days, Beth brought a blanket to school. So during leadership class and lunch, we bundled it up to make it look like a baby, and carried it like one around the cafeteria, showing our principal, among others. That night, I had a basketball game, and inspired by our earlier antics, Meaghan brought a real baby doll with her. So I carried it around like it was real child into the gym, and as I walked by the cheerleaders (who were cooing at what they thought was a real baby), I pretended to drop it. Ha, that was classic.

Beth and I created this elaborate "hoax" of sorts, revolving around what we called "embodiments." The main one was Butch, and we used her name all the time, and talked about her as if she was a real person. When people began questioning "Who is Butch?", we would simply answer "an embodiment." To this day, no one really knows the deal about Butch. Except, Beth and I...and well, a lot of others now, haha.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=114291591 - Butch's myspace.

Beth's sister had a pair of reindeer antlers from some Christmas program that she was in, so Beth brought them to school, and we would take turns wearing them throughout the day, just for kicks.

For prom, I concocted a mixture of two large energy drinks, and one caffeinated soda to create a highly caffeinated drink to consume entirely that night. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I only had about a fourth of it, but I was still incredibly hyper.

The last day of school (for seniors), my mom let me drive her Infiniti QX4, FINALLY, with the awesome sound system, so I burned a mix, and Beth and I danced to the loud music in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before school started. Everyone was there early because it was also senior project day for half of the seniors, so they saw Beth dancing on top of her jeep and stuff.

For Senior Switch day, I switched places with our student resource officer. I went around with handcuffs and arrested everyone, including teachers. It was nifty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXASz5l_OxY - Me arresting people.

Also, Beth was able to still fit into her locker from 9th grade, so she sat in it before the final bell rang, then pretended to be stuck as everyone filed into the hallway. Multiple people believed us and tried to help her out. haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYIzk0mFRvU - Beth in the locker.

For old times sake, Beth and I bought a container of slaw from Chick Fil-A, and I did the exact same thing that I did in ninth grade, haha. Horrible of us, I know, but it was worth the laugh between the two of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmVp_qxEkfA - Return of the slaw.

Man, there were so many other completely crazy things that we did. Like period capers, when we took a pad and tampon, but ketchup on it, then stuck them to our friend's truck when he was in the movies. He still doesn't know it was us that did it, haha. Or when we got kicked out of WalMart - there's a vide of that on facebook and youtube, too.

I should attempt to go to bed now, instead of giving into my insomnia.