Does it make you feel better? Over-exaggerated expressions drenched in superficiality meant to draw meaningless attention to yourself? Your voice shrieking because you know no one would bother to listen if you talked in a normal tone. Shirt down, skirt off - flaunting skin because you lack a viable personality to show off.
Does it make you feel better? Relishing in relationships that mean practically nothing. So much of a nothing that they don't even deserve to carry the label of a "relationship." Attaching your hands and lips to whoever is willing because you're so empty that you have to turn to physicality in a pathetic attempt to fill whatever void you've been sporting for years. Hours of your life spent in weightless hook-ups - the beauties of love and care denied in the face of raw lust.
Does it make you feel better? Night after night, wasting away in a pool of alcohol because you lack the dignity to search for a more wholesome, alternative method? Getting intoxicated to the point of amnesia and stupidity that you can't even control. Not just occasionally, but whenever possible. Such a monotonous lifestyle made out of one of the single most pathetic activities in existence that results in absolutely nothing but a brief moment of false happiness and a hangover the next morning.
Does it make you feel better? Searching all the wrong places in a sad attempt at repairing your waning self-esteem, but only wasting even more away as a result. To know that even though you're trying to hide from the truth with your superficial behaviors, that sympathetic eyes are rolling because of you, not quite knowing whether to be sad or disgusted.
And you know there's a better solution. You know it so evidently that you even tell yourself that maybe you should seek that instead But instead you deny the One who can make you whole in exchange for a sub-par life that will only leave you empty when it's all said in done.
Judgmental? Perhaps. But it rings true for someone. And maybe it's just a harsh reality check that will get that someone's life together, finally.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A Conversation With Myself
"Hi, Chanelle! How was your day?"
"Well, it started out good, and I only had class until 12. Then I had a good jog at Coles, but afterwards, my ID card mysteriously disappeared."
"Oh, man, that sucks! You found it, though, right?"
"No, sadly. I went on a run-around through campus, which involved me paying $15 for a new one."
"Wow. Is the picture at least as good as your last one?"
"Not at all. It looks like a mugshot."
" :( . Here, have $5. You deserve it!"
"Aww, thanks! My day did get better, though. I went to Cru, then got to draw attention to myself by dancing like a fool at the Empire Bash."
"Oh, Chanelle, you're a riot! I wish I could've seen that!"
"Oh, well, I try."
"So what did you do after that?"
"Pinkberry! I changed up my combination. Substituted pineapples for bananas."
"Really now? i know of your secret love for bananas, but pineapples are your favorite fruit!"
"Yeah, I know! Maybe I'll try pineapples and bananas next time."
"Yes, do that."
"So then I get back, and have a two hour phone conversation with my mom!"
"Wow, that's so cool that you can have that kind of relationship with your mom!"
"Yeah, it's cool, because it's not dependency. It's really like a friendship at some points. So people might roll their eyes at calling their mom every day, but I do it willingly, because it makes for good conversation. And it makes her day. And sometimes, you just have doubts about other people, but with her, I always know she genuinely cares."
"That brought tears to my eyes. It's a shame that my mom used to lock me in cupboards and feed me cat food."
"Here, have a tissue."
"Thanks, Chanelle. You're sweet. Maybe you should show that side of yourself more often."
"Oh, I get the urge to sometimes, but I find myself downplaying it?"
"Why? It never hurts to be specially nice!"
"It did hurt. And, I mean, I'm over it, but it still lingers. I'm reserved about it. Why be sweet to people if they're just gonna take advantage of it, not appreciate it, and dismiss your efforts even if you're the only one who really acts like they give a dang?"
"You can't go through life held back by one experience - besides, actions like that set a normal friendship apart from a very close one. If you care about a person, you don't have to be sardonically amusing all the time. Sincerely show it! I appreciate it."
"Yeah, but you're a derivative of my mind. You really don't count. But I get what you're saying. I have a lot of minor issues I need to confront within myself if I'm really gonna milk it all out of life."
"Sounds like you've been doing some thinking and growing lately."
"A little bit. I feel like I'm going through puberty, hardy har. A mental maturation. Not that I wasn't always mature..."
"Of course. That's another side that you rarely showcase."
"But why should I? If people's perception of mature is not dancing when I want to, conforming to some mold, and just behaving like I'm stifled, then I'm not gonna abide by that."
"True. But the people who aren't critical of your behavior - perhaps they deserve a showcase of your mental maturity, too?"
"Well, what else are facebook notes made for?"
"But that's a diluted approach. There's nothing personal - your best friend reads it, some girl from school you've never actually met in person before reads it - it means nothing when you don't turn it into something meaningful in an 'intimate' sort of way."
"I guess you're right. Ha, do you remember how I used to be the one who people came to for advice?"
"Do I ever! You were going to become a psychiatrist because you were so good."
"Yeah. It drained a lot out of me, though. It was abused sometimes, so I got turned off from it for a long time. But now, it's something I'm starting to miss. And though I still get exposure to people's problems, it's not in the specific way it used to be. It's not 'I have a problem. Who has the best advice? Oh, Chanelle!'"
"Because most people don't see you as this advice giver, guru of life sort of person."
"Yeah, I know. It's just strange, because you come to college, you start a whole new life, and people get to know you, but there are still huge chunks of your life that remain largely unknown. It's intriguing, because things that happened just two years ago that rocked my world don't even matter here. And I feel like I know people - personality, quirks, likes and dislikes - but not their history. What they went through, what they were like."
"It's cool how you're so interested in that. Like, you want to get deeper, huh?"
"Yeah. It's honestly the storyteller in me. Character has always been my thing, thus the interest in psychology. But it is 'intensified' when I'm pitted with someone I actually am close with. I want to know my friends. I want to know them well."
"Is it curiosity or care?"
"Curiosity is when I meet an interesting person for the first time and want to know more. Care is when I've known a person for a little while, but still haven't even painted a quarter of a picture as to what they're like."
"Such passion!"
"Your commentary is getting ridiculous, because everyone knows that it's just a way for me to stroke my own ego. But thank you."
"You're welcome. Why are you talking to yourself anyway?"
"It honestly just started as a way to tell about my day. Now it's become an exploration of self and a view on how I interact with people. Let's face it - I claim it's unnecessary for me, but I really need to start having these sort of conversations outside of my own head or journals or facebook notes, but with real people."
"Is it just a fear of letting people in who aren't already there?"
"I think it used to be. I wrote something like that around the time before I started college, pretty much saying, if you're not Beth or Carmen, then there's no chance, because I have my best friends who I know won't hurt me, and I'm fine. But now it's definitely getting to the point that it's ridiculous to let one instance almost two years ago jade me. It's not like I actually even care anymore - it's just become a bit of habit."
"Interesting. But how often do you have these sort of conversations, period?"
"Never, I suppose. I just hardly ever bring focus to my own issues. Not even just issues, but these random things floating in my mind that I really want to talk about. And don't mean politics and religions -as great as those are to talk about - but random, yet somewhat deep things. Exploration of self, meaningful stories of the past, observations, things I can't quite figure out about myself that I just want to talk out. Stuff that pretty much stays confined to my head and to my journal."
"Not to be against this or whatever, but what's so wrong with keeping it to yourself? Is it driving you crazy, holding it in?"
"No, it's not like that. And it's not even something I want to announce to just any person. All that random stuff - it just would be cool to have someone that I know cares, will be intrigued, won't judge, and also won't just listen, but will go back and forth with me when I talk about how obsessed I am with the color blue. But I'm picky, though."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I've always been picky about who I want to go deeper with. There's gotta be something there to begin, first off, you know. Like, I'm not the type of person to go up to just a normal friend and talk about this stuff. That's something I don't care to change. However, there are particular people who I wouldn't mind exploring topics with. There's such infinite potential in friendships, because people are just so complex individuality. Just imagine the possibilities when you put two willing people together."
"But this is just in regards to random, but still somewhat meaningful stuff, right? Kind of like an artsy Indie film."
"Nice analogy. But yeah. It would be nice to have. Talking to others about 'darker' things is another issue."
"Darker. Chilling."
"It's not that dramatic. Just, my problems. And I do it sometimes, but not so often, because I'm just not the kind of person to seek advice."
"Pride issue?"
"No, surprisingly. Being the one who generally gives advice, I just have enough for myself. I know what to do, it's just putting it into practice that's troublesome. That's a different story, though. But I realize, it is more than just an 'advice' thing."
"How so?"
"This dates back three years ago, but I remember I was going through some juvenile crap that was really affecting me. And I'm trivializing my problems, actually, but when I say 'juvenile', I just mean I'm ridiculously over it now. But back then, it really had me a bit messed up. Now I wasn't intending at all to reach out for guidance with this, but a friend of mine got a whiff of it and once approached, I let it all spill out. I got encouragement, which honestly didn't change the way I was thinking, but it was nice to let it all out to a person, someone who can directly respond back, and just to be reassured that someone genuinely cared. This wasn't nosiness or trying to figure something out just to try and feel better about oneself. It was real. And I realize that there is a benefit to that."
"Don't tell me that's the only time you've ever opened yourself up!"
"Ha, no. I do it now. But not to the extent that I could. Especially recently. I'm caught in the right moment where I'm compelled to let this out, because it's really bothering me, or it's dragged out of me because someone read something in a note. But with the latter, I'm often reluctant to impart much information. Kind of skim over it, change the subject real quick. And with the former, like I said, it's only with the real pressing, immediate issues. I realize I often go through a lot of underlying stuff that affects me, but I decline to ever bring up."
"Then why not?"
"Honestly, at one point, it was because I was afraid to 'give' too much of myself to anyone. Someone knows you vulnerabilities, you get attached, they screw you over - bam, that hurts. But whatever now, can't worry about that. It's mostly this odd self-conscious thing. People will listen to you, yeah, but I just feel like I'm being a burden. Plus, I suck at initiating conversation in general. It's hard for me to just be like, 'Yeah, so, this is what's going on with me right.'"
"Back on the burden thing, do you feel like you're burdened when people come to you?"
"Not at all. So yeah, I know, I should give them that benefit of the doubt. If I'm fine with it, then they should. But I dunno, it's something that's sort of always been hanging around in the back of my head. They don't need to hear me talk about myself. I'll just write it down."
"Those close to you deserve all of you, you think?"
"Yeah, no. So that's what I was talking about before. Making some changes. Nothing conscience, but trying to be a bit more complex and open with the people who matter. Trusting them. Proving that I am over those ridiculous demons of my past. Trust again. That what happened once won't happen again."
"Sounds like you're getting to an interesting place."
"Yeah, well, I can type and type and resolve and such, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's getting done. But I do admit, I need to be more open. Not in the way that some people may think, but for the sake of friendship, for the sake of sanity. I mean, it does occur. Maybe just not as often as it could. I always feel like I'm holding a significant amount of myself back, varying from person to person. There's one hinderance still, though."
"What's that?"
"Back to that self-conscious thing. I don't have esteem problems. I'm confident in myself - whatever. It just when it comes down to how others feel - that's what I'm never sure about. I'm sometimes such a closet neurotic. I want to say it's gotten better, but the gist is still there. I'm just never sure of what other people feel about me in regards to our 'relationship', 'friendship', whatever. Just this one example sticks in my head, from a couple of years ago. A friend says something like 'I was thinking, we should all do such-and-such', and I wonder if I'm included in that. Which is ridiculous, because of course I am - she wouldn't tell me if I wasn't included in that 'we', but these thoughts still occur. It still happens now."
"Is there any reason why you'd have this sort of irrational fear?"
"Well, it puzzled me a bit at first, because it's been going on for awhile, but I think I can trace it back to early middle school, when people would be my best buddy one week, then be completely done with me the next. And it happened a lot - I felt thrown around back in those days. So I still hold on to it a bit. Like 'This person claims to be my friend. And they hang out with me and stuff. But does it actually mean something or is this just convenience and temporary?' I'm not gonna lie - not every friendship is plagued with this, but it's quite common. Especially in the early stages."
"Well, I mean, you're good past the early stages at least."
"Well, the early stages are a bit long for me. I've always had this idea about the amount of time and experience it takes for a friendship to truly develop - it's nothing quick, like anything meaningful, but a gradual process. But it's nothing against them - it's all me. My lapse in confidence, but not even self-confidence. I think I'm cool, but do they? I think I'm cool to hang out with, but do they really want to hang out with me? I think I'm a multi-dimensional, sincere person, but am I just the amusing retard? I mean, it's what I've had to deal with since before I went through puberty."
"It's not really fair, still, to the other party. To not have confidence in them."
"Yeah, I know. And it's not a constant issue. It's just these moments, when I'm unsure. Friendship is a thing that I'm just barely starting to get the hang of. My track record is horrible, so I'm always on my toes. And you know, I've been calling it 'self-conscious', but it's not even that. It's insecurities. And I wish I wasn't plagued by them."
"How do you get them to stop?"
"Either time or something blatant. It's stupid, though, because I have gotten something blatant a lot of times. And I definitely give a lot of credit to that. But things change. People change. Situations change. I've had too much experience in that, but that is another story."
"When are you gonna tell that story?"
"Not on a facebook note. I'm done with that. I'm fighting these things that have plagued me when it comes to interacting with other people. I want to get the most out of life, and a large part of that is the friendships and relationships I have. And if they're half-assed, then what's the point? And they can be willing to give their all, but if I'm not letting them because I'm not willing, because I'm shielding because of old habits or the past or whatever, then that's pretty retarded."
"So what was the point of this, then? Is this not the very thing you just said you're going to stop doing?"
"Yes. Ha. But like I said before, this just morphed into something I ended up running with. And it's an example of the kind of conversations that I need to start having with actual people. Friends. Whatever. God has given me all these resources - not just to exchange jokes and other dribble with, but to really explore life with. So I just need to get over whatever, stop expecting people to come to me, and stop hiding. I'm not forcing myself into anything, and I'm not all of a sudden going to be giving a speech on my life story, but in those times of reluctance, I'm gonna go beyond that. You know?"
"Yes. I know. I'm you."
"I swear, I'm not schizophrenic, even though my uncle is so thus, according to my psychology professor, there is a very slight chance I could develop the disorder in the coming years."
"Well that's comforting."
"I know."
"Hey, maybe you can make some money off of this? Write a series of books - 'Conversations With Myself.' People love this sort of elitist philosophical crap in a book. Best-seller and a mansion, baby!"
"Great idea. But I am going to end this now, because this went much longer than I intended."
Now that's one heck of a conversation, folks.
"Well, it started out good, and I only had class until 12. Then I had a good jog at Coles, but afterwards, my ID card mysteriously disappeared."
"Oh, man, that sucks! You found it, though, right?"
"No, sadly. I went on a run-around through campus, which involved me paying $15 for a new one."
"Wow. Is the picture at least as good as your last one?"
"Not at all. It looks like a mugshot."
" :( . Here, have $5. You deserve it!"
"Aww, thanks! My day did get better, though. I went to Cru, then got to draw attention to myself by dancing like a fool at the Empire Bash."
"Oh, Chanelle, you're a riot! I wish I could've seen that!"
"Oh, well, I try."
"So what did you do after that?"
"Pinkberry! I changed up my combination. Substituted pineapples for bananas."
"Really now? i know of your secret love for bananas, but pineapples are your favorite fruit!"
"Yeah, I know! Maybe I'll try pineapples and bananas next time."
"Yes, do that."
"So then I get back, and have a two hour phone conversation with my mom!"
"Wow, that's so cool that you can have that kind of relationship with your mom!"
"Yeah, it's cool, because it's not dependency. It's really like a friendship at some points. So people might roll their eyes at calling their mom every day, but I do it willingly, because it makes for good conversation. And it makes her day. And sometimes, you just have doubts about other people, but with her, I always know she genuinely cares."
"That brought tears to my eyes. It's a shame that my mom used to lock me in cupboards and feed me cat food."
"Here, have a tissue."
"Thanks, Chanelle. You're sweet. Maybe you should show that side of yourself more often."
"Oh, I get the urge to sometimes, but I find myself downplaying it?"
"Why? It never hurts to be specially nice!"
"It did hurt. And, I mean, I'm over it, but it still lingers. I'm reserved about it. Why be sweet to people if they're just gonna take advantage of it, not appreciate it, and dismiss your efforts even if you're the only one who really acts like they give a dang?"
"You can't go through life held back by one experience - besides, actions like that set a normal friendship apart from a very close one. If you care about a person, you don't have to be sardonically amusing all the time. Sincerely show it! I appreciate it."
"Yeah, but you're a derivative of my mind. You really don't count. But I get what you're saying. I have a lot of minor issues I need to confront within myself if I'm really gonna milk it all out of life."
"Sounds like you've been doing some thinking and growing lately."
"A little bit. I feel like I'm going through puberty, hardy har. A mental maturation. Not that I wasn't always mature..."
"Of course. That's another side that you rarely showcase."
"But why should I? If people's perception of mature is not dancing when I want to, conforming to some mold, and just behaving like I'm stifled, then I'm not gonna abide by that."
"True. But the people who aren't critical of your behavior - perhaps they deserve a showcase of your mental maturity, too?"
"Well, what else are facebook notes made for?"
"But that's a diluted approach. There's nothing personal - your best friend reads it, some girl from school you've never actually met in person before reads it - it means nothing when you don't turn it into something meaningful in an 'intimate' sort of way."
"I guess you're right. Ha, do you remember how I used to be the one who people came to for advice?"
"Do I ever! You were going to become a psychiatrist because you were so good."
"Yeah. It drained a lot out of me, though. It was abused sometimes, so I got turned off from it for a long time. But now, it's something I'm starting to miss. And though I still get exposure to people's problems, it's not in the specific way it used to be. It's not 'I have a problem. Who has the best advice? Oh, Chanelle!'"
"Because most people don't see you as this advice giver, guru of life sort of person."
"Yeah, I know. It's just strange, because you come to college, you start a whole new life, and people get to know you, but there are still huge chunks of your life that remain largely unknown. It's intriguing, because things that happened just two years ago that rocked my world don't even matter here. And I feel like I know people - personality, quirks, likes and dislikes - but not their history. What they went through, what they were like."
"It's cool how you're so interested in that. Like, you want to get deeper, huh?"
"Yeah. It's honestly the storyteller in me. Character has always been my thing, thus the interest in psychology. But it is 'intensified' when I'm pitted with someone I actually am close with. I want to know my friends. I want to know them well."
"Is it curiosity or care?"
"Curiosity is when I meet an interesting person for the first time and want to know more. Care is when I've known a person for a little while, but still haven't even painted a quarter of a picture as to what they're like."
"Such passion!"
"Your commentary is getting ridiculous, because everyone knows that it's just a way for me to stroke my own ego. But thank you."
"You're welcome. Why are you talking to yourself anyway?"
"It honestly just started as a way to tell about my day. Now it's become an exploration of self and a view on how I interact with people. Let's face it - I claim it's unnecessary for me, but I really need to start having these sort of conversations outside of my own head or journals or facebook notes, but with real people."
"Is it just a fear of letting people in who aren't already there?"
"I think it used to be. I wrote something like that around the time before I started college, pretty much saying, if you're not Beth or Carmen, then there's no chance, because I have my best friends who I know won't hurt me, and I'm fine. But now it's definitely getting to the point that it's ridiculous to let one instance almost two years ago jade me. It's not like I actually even care anymore - it's just become a bit of habit."
"Interesting. But how often do you have these sort of conversations, period?"
"Never, I suppose. I just hardly ever bring focus to my own issues. Not even just issues, but these random things floating in my mind that I really want to talk about. And don't mean politics and religions -as great as those are to talk about - but random, yet somewhat deep things. Exploration of self, meaningful stories of the past, observations, things I can't quite figure out about myself that I just want to talk out. Stuff that pretty much stays confined to my head and to my journal."
"Not to be against this or whatever, but what's so wrong with keeping it to yourself? Is it driving you crazy, holding it in?"
"No, it's not like that. And it's not even something I want to announce to just any person. All that random stuff - it just would be cool to have someone that I know cares, will be intrigued, won't judge, and also won't just listen, but will go back and forth with me when I talk about how obsessed I am with the color blue. But I'm picky, though."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I've always been picky about who I want to go deeper with. There's gotta be something there to begin, first off, you know. Like, I'm not the type of person to go up to just a normal friend and talk about this stuff. That's something I don't care to change. However, there are particular people who I wouldn't mind exploring topics with. There's such infinite potential in friendships, because people are just so complex individuality. Just imagine the possibilities when you put two willing people together."
"But this is just in regards to random, but still somewhat meaningful stuff, right? Kind of like an artsy Indie film."
"Nice analogy. But yeah. It would be nice to have. Talking to others about 'darker' things is another issue."
"Darker. Chilling."
"It's not that dramatic. Just, my problems. And I do it sometimes, but not so often, because I'm just not the kind of person to seek advice."
"Pride issue?"
"No, surprisingly. Being the one who generally gives advice, I just have enough for myself. I know what to do, it's just putting it into practice that's troublesome. That's a different story, though. But I realize, it is more than just an 'advice' thing."
"How so?"
"This dates back three years ago, but I remember I was going through some juvenile crap that was really affecting me. And I'm trivializing my problems, actually, but when I say 'juvenile', I just mean I'm ridiculously over it now. But back then, it really had me a bit messed up. Now I wasn't intending at all to reach out for guidance with this, but a friend of mine got a whiff of it and once approached, I let it all spill out. I got encouragement, which honestly didn't change the way I was thinking, but it was nice to let it all out to a person, someone who can directly respond back, and just to be reassured that someone genuinely cared. This wasn't nosiness or trying to figure something out just to try and feel better about oneself. It was real. And I realize that there is a benefit to that."
"Don't tell me that's the only time you've ever opened yourself up!"
"Ha, no. I do it now. But not to the extent that I could. Especially recently. I'm caught in the right moment where I'm compelled to let this out, because it's really bothering me, or it's dragged out of me because someone read something in a note. But with the latter, I'm often reluctant to impart much information. Kind of skim over it, change the subject real quick. And with the former, like I said, it's only with the real pressing, immediate issues. I realize I often go through a lot of underlying stuff that affects me, but I decline to ever bring up."
"Then why not?"
"Honestly, at one point, it was because I was afraid to 'give' too much of myself to anyone. Someone knows you vulnerabilities, you get attached, they screw you over - bam, that hurts. But whatever now, can't worry about that. It's mostly this odd self-conscious thing. People will listen to you, yeah, but I just feel like I'm being a burden. Plus, I suck at initiating conversation in general. It's hard for me to just be like, 'Yeah, so, this is what's going on with me right.'"
"Back on the burden thing, do you feel like you're burdened when people come to you?"
"Not at all. So yeah, I know, I should give them that benefit of the doubt. If I'm fine with it, then they should. But I dunno, it's something that's sort of always been hanging around in the back of my head. They don't need to hear me talk about myself. I'll just write it down."
"Those close to you deserve all of you, you think?"
"Yeah, no. So that's what I was talking about before. Making some changes. Nothing conscience, but trying to be a bit more complex and open with the people who matter. Trusting them. Proving that I am over those ridiculous demons of my past. Trust again. That what happened once won't happen again."
"Sounds like you're getting to an interesting place."
"Yeah, well, I can type and type and resolve and such, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's getting done. But I do admit, I need to be more open. Not in the way that some people may think, but for the sake of friendship, for the sake of sanity. I mean, it does occur. Maybe just not as often as it could. I always feel like I'm holding a significant amount of myself back, varying from person to person. There's one hinderance still, though."
"What's that?"
"Back to that self-conscious thing. I don't have esteem problems. I'm confident in myself - whatever. It just when it comes down to how others feel - that's what I'm never sure about. I'm sometimes such a closet neurotic. I want to say it's gotten better, but the gist is still there. I'm just never sure of what other people feel about me in regards to our 'relationship', 'friendship', whatever. Just this one example sticks in my head, from a couple of years ago. A friend says something like 'I was thinking, we should all do such-and-such', and I wonder if I'm included in that. Which is ridiculous, because of course I am - she wouldn't tell me if I wasn't included in that 'we', but these thoughts still occur. It still happens now."
"Is there any reason why you'd have this sort of irrational fear?"
"Well, it puzzled me a bit at first, because it's been going on for awhile, but I think I can trace it back to early middle school, when people would be my best buddy one week, then be completely done with me the next. And it happened a lot - I felt thrown around back in those days. So I still hold on to it a bit. Like 'This person claims to be my friend. And they hang out with me and stuff. But does it actually mean something or is this just convenience and temporary?' I'm not gonna lie - not every friendship is plagued with this, but it's quite common. Especially in the early stages."
"Well, I mean, you're good past the early stages at least."
"Well, the early stages are a bit long for me. I've always had this idea about the amount of time and experience it takes for a friendship to truly develop - it's nothing quick, like anything meaningful, but a gradual process. But it's nothing against them - it's all me. My lapse in confidence, but not even self-confidence. I think I'm cool, but do they? I think I'm cool to hang out with, but do they really want to hang out with me? I think I'm a multi-dimensional, sincere person, but am I just the amusing retard? I mean, it's what I've had to deal with since before I went through puberty."
"It's not really fair, still, to the other party. To not have confidence in them."
"Yeah, I know. And it's not a constant issue. It's just these moments, when I'm unsure. Friendship is a thing that I'm just barely starting to get the hang of. My track record is horrible, so I'm always on my toes. And you know, I've been calling it 'self-conscious', but it's not even that. It's insecurities. And I wish I wasn't plagued by them."
"How do you get them to stop?"
"Either time or something blatant. It's stupid, though, because I have gotten something blatant a lot of times. And I definitely give a lot of credit to that. But things change. People change. Situations change. I've had too much experience in that, but that is another story."
"When are you gonna tell that story?"
"Not on a facebook note. I'm done with that. I'm fighting these things that have plagued me when it comes to interacting with other people. I want to get the most out of life, and a large part of that is the friendships and relationships I have. And if they're half-assed, then what's the point? And they can be willing to give their all, but if I'm not letting them because I'm not willing, because I'm shielding because of old habits or the past or whatever, then that's pretty retarded."
"So what was the point of this, then? Is this not the very thing you just said you're going to stop doing?"
"Yes. Ha. But like I said before, this just morphed into something I ended up running with. And it's an example of the kind of conversations that I need to start having with actual people. Friends. Whatever. God has given me all these resources - not just to exchange jokes and other dribble with, but to really explore life with. So I just need to get over whatever, stop expecting people to come to me, and stop hiding. I'm not forcing myself into anything, and I'm not all of a sudden going to be giving a speech on my life story, but in those times of reluctance, I'm gonna go beyond that. You know?"
"Yes. I know. I'm you."
"I swear, I'm not schizophrenic, even though my uncle is so thus, according to my psychology professor, there is a very slight chance I could develop the disorder in the coming years."
"Well that's comforting."
"I know."
"Hey, maybe you can make some money off of this? Write a series of books - 'Conversations With Myself.' People love this sort of elitist philosophical crap in a book. Best-seller and a mansion, baby!"
"Great idea. But I am going to end this now, because this went much longer than I intended."
Now that's one heck of a conversation, folks.
Attn: Walt Disney
Hey Walt. Not sure how to get this to you, on the account you're dead and all, but I figure I'd try.
One of my favorite quotes is by you, you know? I think I happened upon it over a year ago on my google home page.
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
It spoke to me in a way that few things seem to do. It was casual, yet meaningful. And rang so true in the back of my mind. Yes, it is kind of fun to do the impossible. Kind of fun to defy the negative expectations of everybody else. Kind of fun to put your trust fully in God and yourself and run with that, even if it's the only thing you're running with until the goal is finally.
There is no doubt in my mind that you're one of those genius types. You don't get enough credit for it. Sure, your last name is everywhere, but how many people actually have your image floating around in their heads when watching an episode of Hannah Montana?
They've ruined your legacy in so many ways and let me be the first to offer my condolences. What started as innovation in the animation field has turned into a child prostitution chain. Grab the minor with the slightest bit of talent and exploit that endlessly. Well, it does end when the kid's like-ability has run out and they're pushed to the curb to make room for the next big thing.
They're using your name to zap away innocence, buddy. A recent development. Hilary Duff seemed to get away fine, but I don't think I'll be able to say the same about the girl who has now replaced Mickey Mouse as the representative image of all of your work. It's getting to be a shame, Walt. These kids are passionate, they're talented, but they're young and vulnerable. Your corporation is making the most of that in all the wrong ways.
You know, Walt, I'm kind of out to do the impossible right now. Have a bit of fun. I'm kind of talented, or so they say, and I'm kind of trying to make the most of that. But I'm kind of thankful, that I didn't get into this business earlier. That I wasn't apart of the machine called Disney as a chid, to be used and abused and over advertised.
They overwork these kids, Mr. Disney, and stress them out. Drive them to places that maybe they shouldn't quite be treading yet. And maybe that's the way show biz goes, but I think you'd want at least Disney to be different than that. And by different, I don't mean more subtle and secretive about their exploitation methods.
A lot of people have these lists. Things they want to do in life, whether they actually get to them or not. I think I want to add something to my list, Walt. I kind of want to try and help your brainchild get a bit of its spark back. Return to those days where it was less about the money and more about the craft and the drive to give the people quality entertainment. A name like Disney deserves more than young stars with Internet scandals - it deserves dignity.
It deserves to be magical, actually. Not in the way that badly written faux-sitcoms such as "The Wizards of Waverly Place" are, but in that way that touches children and adults alike. Fills them with joy every time their eyes fall upon the grinning face of a charming mouse in the midst of his goofy shenanigans with his odd buddies.
But despite the latest direction of Disney Corporations, you did a good thing for this world, Mr. Disney. You started out small, you started out with some ambition and a dream that you held on to, even when living in below desirable conditions. And you made them into a reality that still continues to have a big effect in this world.
Thus, you did the impossible. Bet you kind of had fun while you did it, huh?
That's what I plan on doing. Touching people in a big way. I can only pray that those in the future do not pervert something that has started with such pure intentions.
Thanks for reading, Mr. Disney. And try not to turn in your grave the next time an episode of "Cory in the House" airs.
Sincerely,
CT
One of my favorite quotes is by you, you know? I think I happened upon it over a year ago on my google home page.
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
It spoke to me in a way that few things seem to do. It was casual, yet meaningful. And rang so true in the back of my mind. Yes, it is kind of fun to do the impossible. Kind of fun to defy the negative expectations of everybody else. Kind of fun to put your trust fully in God and yourself and run with that, even if it's the only thing you're running with until the goal is finally.
There is no doubt in my mind that you're one of those genius types. You don't get enough credit for it. Sure, your last name is everywhere, but how many people actually have your image floating around in their heads when watching an episode of Hannah Montana?
They've ruined your legacy in so many ways and let me be the first to offer my condolences. What started as innovation in the animation field has turned into a child prostitution chain. Grab the minor with the slightest bit of talent and exploit that endlessly. Well, it does end when the kid's like-ability has run out and they're pushed to the curb to make room for the next big thing.
They're using your name to zap away innocence, buddy. A recent development. Hilary Duff seemed to get away fine, but I don't think I'll be able to say the same about the girl who has now replaced Mickey Mouse as the representative image of all of your work. It's getting to be a shame, Walt. These kids are passionate, they're talented, but they're young and vulnerable. Your corporation is making the most of that in all the wrong ways.
You know, Walt, I'm kind of out to do the impossible right now. Have a bit of fun. I'm kind of talented, or so they say, and I'm kind of trying to make the most of that. But I'm kind of thankful, that I didn't get into this business earlier. That I wasn't apart of the machine called Disney as a chid, to be used and abused and over advertised.
They overwork these kids, Mr. Disney, and stress them out. Drive them to places that maybe they shouldn't quite be treading yet. And maybe that's the way show biz goes, but I think you'd want at least Disney to be different than that. And by different, I don't mean more subtle and secretive about their exploitation methods.
A lot of people have these lists. Things they want to do in life, whether they actually get to them or not. I think I want to add something to my list, Walt. I kind of want to try and help your brainchild get a bit of its spark back. Return to those days where it was less about the money and more about the craft and the drive to give the people quality entertainment. A name like Disney deserves more than young stars with Internet scandals - it deserves dignity.
It deserves to be magical, actually. Not in the way that badly written faux-sitcoms such as "The Wizards of Waverly Place" are, but in that way that touches children and adults alike. Fills them with joy every time their eyes fall upon the grinning face of a charming mouse in the midst of his goofy shenanigans with his odd buddies.
But despite the latest direction of Disney Corporations, you did a good thing for this world, Mr. Disney. You started out small, you started out with some ambition and a dream that you held on to, even when living in below desirable conditions. And you made them into a reality that still continues to have a big effect in this world.
Thus, you did the impossible. Bet you kind of had fun while you did it, huh?
That's what I plan on doing. Touching people in a big way. I can only pray that those in the future do not pervert something that has started with such pure intentions.
Thanks for reading, Mr. Disney. And try not to turn in your grave the next time an episode of "Cory in the House" airs.
Sincerely,
CT
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