Saturday, February 20, 2010

"Attempted Poetics"

Originally posted November 21, 2008 at 5:09pm

First semester of senior year was characterized by a summer breeze in those islands in the stream, by death threats from Carroll, fake infants made from blankets, accusations against my maturity - comparable of that of a simple five year old - saving the cafeteria from peril, wearing homemade bonnets, creating catch phrases, and offering foot washing services to bathroom patrons.

It was characterized by rednecks and situations turned ugly...three times! A hillbilly rap that revolutionized the school and a ridiculous truck line. Tiny ones with their duck stew and skinny ones with their baggage and tall ones who broke hearts without even realizing it. Then Taylor Swift appreciated for the first time in the back of a SUV, delivering wreaths and guided by an automated voice.

It was characterized by decay - decaying morals and friendships and resolve and deer carcasses, laying in front of my car. Best friend crying in front of her car courtesy of a psycho ex-girlfriend. Parking in the same spot, everyday - the jeep that used to park right next to me, but then moved three spaces down. Wishing certain cars would park just a little bit closer so I could scrape them when I opened my door. Tying ribbons and tampons to antennas and using spit on kleenex to wipe off the retaliation written across my windows.

Playing the role of the confidant. Stepping into the place of the secret keeper. Never getting anything in return. Frustrations abound and trying to hard for something that was never meant to work. Realizing the true meaning of the bonds I made with dreams of escaping off to New York City to leave the truth behind forever. Confessions over online messages and feigning innocence as the family fell apart. Wishing and praying that it would all finally be over - that I could just move on.

Threats and faux-restraining orders and myspace wars raged. IMs that incited tensions and changed lives. Overplayed Jason Mraz songs on my iPod, skipping CDs in my car - Shakira’s Fool during the day, Mraz’s Tonight Not Again at the nights, and Justin’s Lovestoned once the weather turned cold. Twisting and turning lyrics so they’d mean something to me.

Oh, the horror of Saw movie marathons and hysterical tricycling clowns and unnecessary blood and gore. The horror of how I felt and what it meant and the horror of secret myspaces full of disturbing imagery of what happened when a girl lost all of her esteem. The horror of reality when the day after I tried to quit caring, I found out who had hit rock bottom and how I could do absolutely nothing to help it. And crying, from the fear. Sobbing at the terror. Weeping..oh, the horror!

Standing in the bonus room, phone to my ear, singing on love, in sadness, waiting in anxious anticipation for the chance to change or ruin it all...

Sitting on the computer the day after, filling out a myspace survey that lead to the ushering in of a new era when I revealed the location of who I now considered my best friend.

High speed chase down Clinard Farm Road, laughing and yearning, revving engines, and receiving vague voicemails from angry mothers protecting over-dramatic offspring. Faking excuses, then officially knowing that it was finally over.

And standing there amongst family on New Years Eve, counting down and not knowing what to expect, but forever glad that I was finally escaping that dreadful year of 2006.

Officially ushering in the year documenting a six hour car trip and watching Hannah Montana date her brother and menstruating, which had to be a bad omen because it was only the first day, and already I was bleeding.

Skipping basketball practice the next day because of excruciating cramps and laying on the couch that night watching an obscure Cameron Diaz movie on HBO with my mother, hoping I’d hear the garage door open and the Beemer drive in and my father walk through, but not getting my wish until hours later as I lie awake pathetically in bed.

Shooting off a text right before I cut off the lights - one that proved my weakness. One that proved that somehow somewhere, I still cared.

Impromptu shooting for the dreaded senior project and having a great night once it was all over and done with plenty of cake and innuendoes from someone you wouldn’t expect. And hearing about that dang party everywhere I turned and not wanting to go, but feeling that everyone else was invited simply to rub it in my face.

Dreams crushed by a 28.5 inch ball, bricking off the rim and slamming into my once hopeful heart. Loyal friends attending games they didn’t have to and former friends showing up for the game after mine when they wouldn’t come at all the year before. Cursing and crying mingling in the locker room. Not being able to love it anymore.

Then it was over. Dreading the next, but knowing it was the last. And amazed at how far I’d slid and how much that had changed in a matter of mere months.

My advice:

Originally Wednesday, November 12 at 11:27 pm

Never regret anything. Do not let yourself miss out on something because you're afraid of getting too deeply in. Do not deny your emotions; embrace them. It might hurt you at first, but it's better in the long run. Do not cheat yourself out of a complete life.

And some people are beautiful just the way they are. And though change is inevitable, not everything has to change. Always keep your essense, no matter what. Never let a chance slip. Don't be afraid of the truth. And appreciate what you have while you still have it. Because one day, you won't have it anymore.

And when you don't have it anymore, do not get caught up in the past. Respect the past, remember the past, but do not get caught up in it. Because remember the past is just exactly that. It's in the past. It cannot be altered. It's already done and over with. Just accept that and move on and try to make sure that your future makes up for your present.

It's better that way.

From November 12, 2006

"Feeling good."

Originally posted Friday, October 10, 2008 at 9:31pm

Maybe you can't live an amazing life all the time. But to live it in moments is better than to never have lived it at all. And if in another second, this feeling goes away, then that's okay - as long as I've got it right now.

And this isn't some theory of instant gratification. It's taking the good, knowing that there's going to be bad, but getting to the bad when it comes. I've made that mistake before - not ever being able to enjoy those spurts of amazingness because I was so worried as to when it was going to end, because I knew it was going to end. Well, of course it's going to end - life's cyclic, but if fear of the future is going to keep you from enjoying the present, then you might as well not ever be happy.

"Ha, I'm completely horrible"

Originally posted Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 2:04 am

Want to read about in detail some of the craziest things I did in high school? Sure you do! I came across an old list I had made, by the way. So all of this is not from the top of my head at 2 in the morning.

Ninth Grade

At lunch, when it got warm enough to sit outside, I would stand up on the picnic tables, and sing and dance. Some people were amused. Most people thought I was retarded. I did it anyway, even though my friends disowned me. Those friendships were pretty shallow back then. Now I know Beth would be dancing with me...well, she better haha.

One time, my friend Holly let me have her pudding cup, and I ate the entire thing sensuously with my tongue, aimed at Beth's then boyfriend, the infamous Garrett. He was incredibly uncomfortable, but everybody else was amused...and somewhat put off.

After school on day, Beth and I were walking down the stairs, and I came across a random lunch tray just laying them. There was slaw on the lunch tray. So, being fourteen, I punted it against the wall, much to Beth's amusement. Later, I found out that she...well, I won't reveal that, haha.

The week of Valentines Day, we were given the option to send out Valentines to whoever we wanted to be delivered on that Friday. I bought multiple ones, signed them as 'your secret admirer', (foolishly) put my phone number on them, and sent them to four guys on the men's basketball team...and Garrett haha

I had Creative Writing my second semester, so prompted by a book, I created the story of Toxic, which was fictional, but used the same people in my life, and twisted actual happenings in my life. It became a cult classic and some if it can now be read still on my myspace blog, if you go far enough back in its archives.

Tenth Grade

This was apparently a kind of uneventful year, but on the first day, I took it upon myself to harass freshmen. Stealing a line from Mean Girls, I went up to one and said "You're really pretty." He just nodded. "So you agree?" He nodded again. "You think you're really pretty?" He was sort of bewildered. My friends thought it was funny. I could still point out that freshman during my senior year.

We had a carnival that year, and at the time, Beth was dating a complete gonchhole who was being incredibly immature and annoying. Beth and others were manning the "Pie a Teacher in the face" booth, so I stole a pie and pied her boyfriend in the face. Garrett, who was also constantly harassed by this boy, followed up with another pie. It was a beautiful moment.

Every year at our school, there was Winter Ball. I didn't go during ninth grade, but decided that I was gonna go during tenth, but not tell anyone. Actually, I had to tell Katie and Alex, 'cause I had lunch with them and that's when the Winter Ball tickets were sold, but I didn't tell Beth. Come Winter Ball, I showed up late and to everybody's surprise. Then danced like a maniac, using my shawl as a tool to lure people in. Those who have been to Club Chanelle, it was similar to how I use my scarf.

This time on Valentines Day, we had the option to buy song-a-grams for people. So Katie and I chipped it to buy a song-a-gram for our beloved Garrett. The song we chose to be sung to him? Pretty Woman. He was mortified. I was congratulated on it a few times, haha.

Eleventh Grade

Randomly in Boulton's class, Beth started singing the song "Get It" by the Ying Yang Twins, but added weird sound effects to it. So it went like this: "Get it, girl. Bum bum. Ding ding. Wikki wikki." So her, Alex, and I got the bright idea to perform that version in the middle of class. We used the pencil sharpener as one of our instruments. Boulton got mad and threatened to kick us out of the room and write us up, haha.

Speaking of Boulton's class, I was a generally disturbance, since I sat in between two of my closest friends, so I was forever getting called out by him in that class. So one day, I made it my mission to see how many times I could get called out by him in one day. I made it to three until he caught up and got mad.

Okay, his class was just crazy. In one of the history books, someone had created a game where you started at the beginning, and you were told to turn to certain pages. On each page, there was something funny made using the pictures in the book. So Beth and I decided to create our own "history book game", which was hilarious, but highly inappropriate. We had a ball showing it to other people, until Boulton caught it. Not us, but the book. He then lectured both of his classes about defiling history books.

After school one day, I decided to sit on top of Beth's jeep and yell out random things, like some drunken and crazy hobo to everyone in the student parking lot. That was kind of crazy.

On club picture day, Katie and I decided to crash as many club pictures as we possibly could. So if you have a yearbook from the 2005-2006 school year at Southwest, you'll see my image in a bunch of clubs that I was not a member of. Ironically, I was in the Spanish Club, but not in the picture, because they did that one over.

One day after school, Beth and I used aluminum foil to make "grillz", blasted rap music, and rode around the school parking lot, like gangstas.

I also wrote a funny musical about my 11th grade year.

In AP English, we had to do a project on aphorisms, which are wise little sayings, and present them in a clever way with a theme. Being the controversial person I am, I did mine on sex aphorisms. How did I present them? In a box labeled "aphoraga." Get it? C'mon, you have to get it. Hiller loved it.

Apparently, I'd spurt out "Yo soy muy attractiva!" random times during my H Spanish 4 class.

Last period, second semester, I had class in the quads, which were pretty much just upgraded trailers that had four classrooms each in them. I had AP Stats that semester and Mr. Parker always let us go outside to do our work. In the quad right next to us, Beth had French, and the window would always be open. So when we were outside, I'd talk to her secretly through the window, and at some points, sneak in through the window.

At Katie's birthday party, I sang a great and seductive rendition of "Don'tcha" by the Pussycat Dolls, dedicated to Katie's boyfriend.

Twelfth Grade

First semester, early in the school year, I used my jacket as a cape and claimed to be "Super Chanelle." I ran through the cafeteria like a superhero (retard haha), and acted like I was saving people from hunger. The people at my lunch table thought it was funny. Beth thought it was so funny that she spewed her Cheerwine all over Meaghan, haha.

When Beth began hanging out/dating rednecks (haha), I wrote a rap called "Black Redneck" and performed it constantly for a month. People would always request it. Second semester, Beth and I tried out for the talent show using it. And we made it, somehow. And performed, offended black people from Andrews, and go booed, but also cheered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuydA1qxWOM - The first (and most famous) verse of the rap, performed live.

In AP English 12, we had to do a advertising project, based on 1984. The ad I picked was one for tampons. So for my presentation, I created a personified tampon, known as "Mr. Tampon", which was a tampon with a smiley face on it, that I held as I presented my project.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRzpI8o70k0 - Mr. Tampon on the Beth and Chanelle show.

On one of the colder days, Beth brought a blanket to school. So during leadership class and lunch, we bundled it up to make it look like a baby, and carried it like one around the cafeteria, showing our principal, among others. That night, I had a basketball game, and inspired by our earlier antics, Meaghan brought a real baby doll with her. So I carried it around like it was real child into the gym, and as I walked by the cheerleaders (who were cooing at what they thought was a real baby), I pretended to drop it. Ha, that was classic.

Beth and I created this elaborate "hoax" of sorts, revolving around what we called "embodiments." The main one was Butch, and we used her name all the time, and talked about her as if she was a real person. When people began questioning "Who is Butch?", we would simply answer "an embodiment." To this day, no one really knows the deal about Butch. Except, Beth and I...and well, a lot of others now, haha.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=114291591 - Butch's myspace.

Beth's sister had a pair of reindeer antlers from some Christmas program that she was in, so Beth brought them to school, and we would take turns wearing them throughout the day, just for kicks.

For prom, I concocted a mixture of two large energy drinks, and one caffeinated soda to create a highly caffeinated drink to consume entirely that night. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I only had about a fourth of it, but I was still incredibly hyper.

The last day of school (for seniors), my mom let me drive her Infiniti QX4, FINALLY, with the awesome sound system, so I burned a mix, and Beth and I danced to the loud music in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before school started. Everyone was there early because it was also senior project day for half of the seniors, so they saw Beth dancing on top of her jeep and stuff.

For Senior Switch day, I switched places with our student resource officer. I went around with handcuffs and arrested everyone, including teachers. It was nifty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXASz5l_OxY - Me arresting people.

Also, Beth was able to still fit into her locker from 9th grade, so she sat in it before the final bell rang, then pretended to be stuck as everyone filed into the hallway. Multiple people believed us and tried to help her out. haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYIzk0mFRvU - Beth in the locker.

For old times sake, Beth and I bought a container of slaw from Chick Fil-A, and I did the exact same thing that I did in ninth grade, haha. Horrible of us, I know, but it was worth the laugh between the two of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmVp_qxEkfA - Return of the slaw.

Man, there were so many other completely crazy things that we did. Like period capers, when we took a pad and tampon, but ketchup on it, then stuck them to our friend's truck when he was in the movies. He still doesn't know it was us that did it, haha. Or when we got kicked out of WalMart - there's a vide of that on facebook and youtube, too.

I should attempt to go to bed now, instead of giving into my insomnia.

"Don't toy with my emotions (Already that deep, huh?)"

Originally posted Friday, April 18, 2008 at 12:41 am

Progression

Six months of sixteen, and it was all falling apart
Forced to trudge through bleak halls with something heavy on my heart
Cliche like the day I had my first vodka shot
But it couldn't get worse from there, or so I thought

I stood there helplessly as friends were snatched away
Screamed and cried, but the temptation stayed
The world don't stop for no one as it corrupts young souls
Vivid visions I'll have to live with till I grow old

Like her subtle decay from great to skank
There purely one minutes before the pressure took her away
Now she's hit rock bottom, and I don't think life's fair
Crying because it's irreversible. Crying because I still cared.

Six months of seventeen - it's better, but worse
The main problem's out of my life, but I think I've been cursed
Friendships ended, the implications set in
As I lie to myself, deny that I want it to be "back then"

Turn a corner, and it's a confrontation with my past
Innocence and naivete that I swore would last
But now the world around me was hell, and I was about to slip in it
Vague tugging in my heart, pleading with me not to do it

Big dreams crashed in the rubble with my youth
Then the defilement of love - that word is so screwed
At least in regards to marriages ripped apart
By a desperate little whore with a blackened heart

Six months of eighteen - all I can do is smile
I think I'll embrace this peace for awhile
Like for the rest of my life - why stop it now?
Thanks to constant searching by my Lord, my soul's finally re-found

External circumstances still burn, but it's a singe I ignore
Set a match to all that was before
Ashes of the past come together to burn brightly in my life
Was a mess back then, but now it's all right

That two year drought of angsty adolescence
It's raining hard now - the stressing never happened
It all happens for a reason - some call it fate
I call it God bestowing me with strength

I'd live through the pain again
If I knew I'd come out like this in the end

Written February 22, 2008.

Figures the ending, which is supposed to be the positive lesson, sucks. Maybe I'll re-do it at a later time. Probably doesn't help that I couldn't read all my handwriting from the original copy.