Originally posted Sunday, December 14, 2008 at 3:18pm (EST)
So there's this guy.
There's always this guy.
But I realized - if I never get this guy, or any guy at all, for that matter...
If I am left with a life where I'm never married, always a virgin - a nun, essentially, without the black and white threads -
Then I am absolutely okay with that.
Do I want this guy? Absolutely. If I an unable to get this guy, do I hope to one day meet the right guy to become one with? Of course.
But if that does not happen, then that will be completely fine.
Why?
Because no matter what happens - if any of my aspirations are reached, or if they all fail, if my friends turn their back and my family takes away their support, if I am left absolutely alone for the entirely of my life, well then, I'm really not alone now, am I?
Because the love of Christ that fills me is enough. It is absolutely enough. And though I appreciate friendships, though I want a husband, and though I know that He does put people in my life for companionship, I do realize that I can't put all of my stock in people, because often times, they will fail. But there is One who will never fail me. He is my Father, He is my Best Friend, He is my Lover - and despite of all that I want, He is the only one I need..
Everything else just seems so trivial in comparison. All the time I've worried throughout the years over friendships - if they'd last, if they'd leave, if I was doing the right thing, all the time I've pined after boys, and my recent "fear" of never marrying - well, it really doesn't matter, because God makes up when everyone else fails. His love is perfect love - the only love I need, and it is more than enough to get me through life, absolutely happy, if I never get that guy.
Just something I've been muling over recently. Another thing God has showed me this semester. Not just the unlimited and amazing nature of His love, but how it will be enough if I don't ever get married, or if I don't get this guy, you know.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
if it kills me.
Originally posted Friday, December 5, 2008 at 3:17 am (EST)
All I really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
Oh, I think it might kill me
"If it Kills Me" - Jason Mraz.
You get these conceptions about love. Heart stopping, palms drippings, fingers shaking, lost in his eyes, can't live your life without him, intoxication, fascination, indescribable sensations, everything running together insomepassionatewhirlwindohmygosh!
But why be in it for that? I could catch the flu and feel the same way.
I sat there, saturating in a convoluted blend of emotions, thoughts, and prayers, and it became clear that I just want to love him. That good ol' selfless kind that's blind to whether or not anything's being return. Though perhaps happier if he loved me, still quite happy with just loving him. Not just feeling it, but showing it. Not saying it, but acting on it - not with gropes and kisses and awkward stares, but in deeds and compassion. Loving in the purest way possible - not clouded by whatever things I want to do in those fantasies I'd never write about in a note. (haha)
It's funny, because in the New King James Version of one of my favorite passages, it starts with "Love suffers long." I'm more accustomed to the "love is patient" version of the New International Version, because it sounds nicer and flows off the tongue better, but in this moment I've gained a new found appreciate for the NKJV.
Love suffers long. The first statement of that verse. And I know, mostly aided by the other translation, that it's just some fancier way of saying that "love is patient" - that no matter what, love will keep waiting, keep going, keep doing whatever it does in the most ridiculous of circumstances.
But when I read those three words, all that registers is "love hurts." Even more than that, the word "suffer" resonates deeply with me because for however long, I feel like I've been suffering. A torturous kind, probably comparable to slowly dying, which is not something I'd soon associate with something so supposedly wondrous as love, but it's how I feel, and it destroys every definition of love as some fluffy thing.
Because it is far from it. Love is the absolutely most amazing thing ever, but there is often nothing pleasant about it, especially when you're loving stubborn parents and crack addict sisters and clueless boys, but here's the thing about love - it's resilient.
See, my hearts pounds after the first time I've significantly ran in awhile, but I've never felt it ache like this. Someone's slammed their clamps against it, always constricting - the poor muscle can hardly breathe, but am I stopping? Can I stop? It won't let me, because it's love, and love suffers. It suffers long. It keeps aflame through the battering. Infatuation will quit in a heart beat. Love stays on the job, not even making minimum wage, as long as the blood keeps flowing.
It is almost heartbreaking.
Paul goes through a slew of others descriptors of love - all these nice little things that love does, despite the fact that it is suffering, and then verse seven ends.
Then behold verse eight!
Love never fails.
The single most comforting thing to be written on so many different levels.
For those being loved by the Lord - to know that His promises of love are not fleeting, because love never fails.
Then to those that are suffering long with their love. That it is not fruitless. That it will culminate into something - that it's purpose will be accomplished.
Which is why I find myself frowning at the typical picture of love - especially unrequited love - when it's pained, but silent and secret, and looking at some boy with your eyes glazed over, tormented because he won't look at you the same - well, that just might fail. Thinking about him all the time and writing angst into notebooks while acting like nothing is wrong when in his presence - well, yeah, that might fail.
But really loving him - not just being in love with him, but actively loving him. That's where you find your winner. Paul never says that love will be returned. Unrequited and failure does not have to be synonymous, though. Because if it's truly love we're dealing with here, then isn't it enough to know that the love you're showing (not feeling, showing) is benefitting him? If he feels loved, despite of whatever he may be doing back, then mission accomplished!
It's the same kind of mentality, of course, that we should be approaching love in general, not just in this romantic sense, thus the whole point behind "love your enemies", because with love, it's never about you, always about them. And at the end of the day, if you're feeling crappy, but they're smiling - well, then love's done it's job.
But it's a bit of silver lining for the one plagued by a love not returned. And an encouragement to not settle being in love, but to pour out love. Because when it's all said and done, it really does something. Because love never fails.
And hey, maybe I got the whole "love suffers long" thing wrong, in regards to Biblical interpretation, but ever think that God knows exactly what you need at a certain moment, so He presents you another way of looking at something, even if it's contrary to what's generally accepted? Because He knew I didn't need to see "love is patient", but rather "love suffers long."
All I really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
Oh, I think it might kill me
"If it Kills Me" - Jason Mraz.
You get these conceptions about love. Heart stopping, palms drippings, fingers shaking, lost in his eyes, can't live your life without him, intoxication, fascination, indescribable sensations, everything running together insomepassionatewhirlwindohmygosh!
But why be in it for that? I could catch the flu and feel the same way.
I sat there, saturating in a convoluted blend of emotions, thoughts, and prayers, and it became clear that I just want to love him. That good ol' selfless kind that's blind to whether or not anything's being return. Though perhaps happier if he loved me, still quite happy with just loving him. Not just feeling it, but showing it. Not saying it, but acting on it - not with gropes and kisses and awkward stares, but in deeds and compassion. Loving in the purest way possible - not clouded by whatever things I want to do in those fantasies I'd never write about in a note. (haha)
It's funny, because in the New King James Version of one of my favorite passages, it starts with "Love suffers long." I'm more accustomed to the "love is patient" version of the New International Version, because it sounds nicer and flows off the tongue better, but in this moment I've gained a new found appreciate for the NKJV.
Love suffers long. The first statement of that verse. And I know, mostly aided by the other translation, that it's just some fancier way of saying that "love is patient" - that no matter what, love will keep waiting, keep going, keep doing whatever it does in the most ridiculous of circumstances.
But when I read those three words, all that registers is "love hurts." Even more than that, the word "suffer" resonates deeply with me because for however long, I feel like I've been suffering. A torturous kind, probably comparable to slowly dying, which is not something I'd soon associate with something so supposedly wondrous as love, but it's how I feel, and it destroys every definition of love as some fluffy thing.
Because it is far from it. Love is the absolutely most amazing thing ever, but there is often nothing pleasant about it, especially when you're loving stubborn parents and crack addict sisters and clueless boys, but here's the thing about love - it's resilient.
See, my hearts pounds after the first time I've significantly ran in awhile, but I've never felt it ache like this. Someone's slammed their clamps against it, always constricting - the poor muscle can hardly breathe, but am I stopping? Can I stop? It won't let me, because it's love, and love suffers. It suffers long. It keeps aflame through the battering. Infatuation will quit in a heart beat. Love stays on the job, not even making minimum wage, as long as the blood keeps flowing.
It is almost heartbreaking.
Paul goes through a slew of others descriptors of love - all these nice little things that love does, despite the fact that it is suffering, and then verse seven ends.
Then behold verse eight!
Love never fails.
The single most comforting thing to be written on so many different levels.
For those being loved by the Lord - to know that His promises of love are not fleeting, because love never fails.
Then to those that are suffering long with their love. That it is not fruitless. That it will culminate into something - that it's purpose will be accomplished.
Which is why I find myself frowning at the typical picture of love - especially unrequited love - when it's pained, but silent and secret, and looking at some boy with your eyes glazed over, tormented because he won't look at you the same - well, that just might fail. Thinking about him all the time and writing angst into notebooks while acting like nothing is wrong when in his presence - well, yeah, that might fail.
But really loving him - not just being in love with him, but actively loving him. That's where you find your winner. Paul never says that love will be returned. Unrequited and failure does not have to be synonymous, though. Because if it's truly love we're dealing with here, then isn't it enough to know that the love you're showing (not feeling, showing) is benefitting him? If he feels loved, despite of whatever he may be doing back, then mission accomplished!
It's the same kind of mentality, of course, that we should be approaching love in general, not just in this romantic sense, thus the whole point behind "love your enemies", because with love, it's never about you, always about them. And at the end of the day, if you're feeling crappy, but they're smiling - well, then love's done it's job.
But it's a bit of silver lining for the one plagued by a love not returned. And an encouragement to not settle being in love, but to pour out love. Because when it's all said and done, it really does something. Because love never fails.
And hey, maybe I got the whole "love suffers long" thing wrong, in regards to Biblical interpretation, but ever think that God knows exactly what you need at a certain moment, so He presents you another way of looking at something, even if it's contrary to what's generally accepted? Because He knew I didn't need to see "love is patient", but rather "love suffers long."
Monday, October 4, 2010
Yeah, yeah, facts
Originally posted Wednesday, January 20, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Here's the rules of the game: list a 100 random facts about yourself. Tag all your friends and see if they repost.
I got sick of tagging people after number 7 or so, so yeah.
1. I'm addicted to working out. When I don't work out, it's just because there's no time or opporunity that day, and I still feel bad about it. I've worked out 7 out of the 9 full days I've been up here so far. By the end of this week, that number will more than likely be 9 out of 12. 75%.
2. I personally know three other people who were born on the exact same day as me. And one who was born exactly two years after me. The end of October is a popular time for conception.
3. I am also addicted to tetris which is, as my current status states, an art. I have come to learn that these past few weeks.
4. College isn't for me. I don't do structured and monotonous well.
5. God is most important in my life. And I try hard to show it in how I live my life.
6. Entertainment is one of my passions.
7. Filmmaking is my other. It does not fall into the same category as entertainment. Filmmaking is an art. A medium. True film, in the fashion I would like to make, should do more than entertain you. It should make you feel. It should change your life. That's what I want to do with film.
8. In 2005, I made it aware that I did not want to be known as the class clown and rather not be voted that superlative. Two years later, I graciously accepted that title, because it's apart of who I am. I still don't like the title of clown, though. I am a humorist.
9. I write so much better than I speak. I also write so much better than most people. But speak so much worst than most people as well. So it evens out.
10. I will gladly listen to the Jonas Brothers as long as I am blissfully unaware of their fanbase, their supposed fame status, and their strutting.
11. On the subject of music, I joke around a lot about listening to the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, but they are nowhere near my favorite artists, nor do I think their music has much substance beyond catchiness and the occasionally upbeat, positive message.
12. Favorite music? Taking Back Sunday, Jason Mraz, Justin Timberlake, Shakira, and most recently, Paramore.
13. Ludacris is my favorite rapper. TI and Trick Daddy follow that.
14. I really don't think I could become romantically involved with a guy who didn't at least have some skill in basketball. What can I say? Sinking a jump shot turns me on.
15. I also couldn't be romantically involved with a guy who would consider himself good at "beer pong." Or any guy who plays that regularly.
16. I like everyone, unless you've given me a specific reason not to. And I'll tell you that specific reason: you've purposely started crap with me. And even then, I don't dislike you. I just become indifferent. Unless you've started crap with a friend of mine - THEN I dislike you.
17. I never start drama. I can only name one instance, and even then, it wasn't a case of me overreacting over something stupid. It was planned and quite manipulative, I admit, and it wouldn't have even worked if the other party involved hadn't have overreacted about it. But we knew that she would, so thus the plan. I can justify it, really, but I don't feel like going into all of that here. Anyway, all other times, I never started it. Wanna challenge that? I invite you to, but I'll prove it.
18. At this moment, I have 70 subscribers on my youtube channel. Mamma mia! http://www.youtube.com/bethandchanelleshow
19. All things I say to make you laugh, I usually don't think they're funny. I just know what kind of humor the majority of people react to and thus unconsciously create it. I don't consider it selling out, because the only reason I seek to make people laugh is to benefit them. I enjoy seeing people enjoy themselves, and I love being the cause of that.
20. What makes me laugh? Completely random stuff. Silly things that isn't classified as "stupid humor", but definitely only makes a special breed of person laugh. Some things that make the majority laugh make me laugh, too (like Adam Sandler movies), but a lot of things that make the majority laugh, I just find stupid. Like, Charlie the Unicorn. RETARDED.
21. Like I said, I never start stuff, but I always have to retaliate. I've been trying not to lately, but it's definitely a hard habit to break. A lot of the stuff doesn't even bother me - I just have to bite back. It's a pride thing.
22. I took martial arts for six years. The forms I studied were karate, tae kwon do, and this nifty style called tae kuk mu sul.
23. I also used to fence. Only did it for a couple of months, but by the time I was done with it, I had won a few matches. I only learned to do it with a foil.
24. I wanted to attend Stanford University as a Biology major, following a pre-med track, then go to medical school to become a psychiatrist. Then I decided that film school in New York would be so much more fun.
25. On the subject of academics, I'm pretty much a genius, and I say that as humbly as I can, haha. I dunno - I think people see me as a film major and a joker and just don't think of me as being one of those kind of people. But I am.
26. Because I am, I wonder sometimes if I'm wasting my potential, because I could've easily been successful in the medical field, but then I realize that if I went into Biology, I still would've been wasting potential.
27. I don't really like to do work when it comes down to things that don't particularly interest me. So I definitely and honestly didn't in high school (except in AP English 11...well, sometimes). Ended up with a 4.7 GPA - not bad, right?
28. I think I'm humble because I state it as it is then give God all the credit. And I don't think I'm better than anyone else. Because I don't need to compare myself to feel good about myself.
29. I spent a lot of 2005 listening to everybody's problems and dishing out advice. Now I have no interest in being that sort of person, because I feel like I spent over a year just listening to everyone else, but not getting my chance to express myself.
30. Don't expect me to express myself to you, though, unless you're name is Beth or Carmen, or we're talking about trivial concerns. I'm not an open person, and it takes time for me to want to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of a person.
31. As much as I love being the center of attention, I also don't mind being behind the scenes. I've had to do a lot of that throughout my life because I went to a shyness thing that I'm only now starting to grow out of, and I find it intriguing. And it's what's made me a great listener and a decent "expert" on how humans work - because I've just watched them for years. See why I was gonna become a psychiatrist?
32. I love to write, but I feel like something traumatic must've happened at the end of 2005, because after that point, my writing habits went downhill from there. Not sure what happened, but it also does mark a shift from wanting to be a novelist to a filmmaker, because I have tons of story ideas that I now would rather express through film than prose.
33. This number was my trademark basketball number for YEARS. Then I became a sophomore in high school and had to resort to 44. Not a bad alternative.
34. Basketball is another passion of mine. I miss playing organized, competitive ball sooo badly, but the last two years of high school just kind of screwed my mindset over completely. I seriously had the potential to play Division 1 ball. I just was screwed over.
35. I completely understand now why everything that has happened so far in my life did happen. God truly knows what He's doing.
36. I find it ironic how many people consider Christians as close-minded for how they consider God, Jesus, the Bible, and their system of faith as being the only option, yet no one accuses atheists of being close-minded.
37. I do not like it when people are clingy.
38. Nor when people think we're better/closer friend than we're actually are.
39. I am going to raise my kids in Canada.
40. No matter how wealthy or whatever I get, my kids are going to public school. I'm not sheltering them nor paying when the government gives me a completely fine option.
41. I'm a Democrat. Liberal. Whatever you wanna call it. And get pissed when people denounce that just because of the abortion and gay marriage issue, neither of which personally defines me as a democrat, because there are SO many other issues and do not even have anything to do with my political standing, just my spiritual one.
42. I hate it when people aren't consistent.
43. I am possibly the most inconsistent person around.
44. I am a hypocrite.
45. I am also indecisive when it comes to small matters, such as wear I want to eat, what I want to buy, what I want to do, etc.
46. However, for the bigger issues, I know exactly what I want and I refuse to back down from that.
47. I think the color of Hayley Williams' hair is phenomenal. It's not that I want her hair or anything - I just think that shade is amazing.
48. Speaking of amazing colors, I am completely enamored by the color of the sky on a clear day. It is amazing. And it reminds me of God every time.
49. I am also obsessed with the colors of a sunset, especially in New York when it reflects off of the buildings and just emerged the whole entire skyline. Orangeish red/yellow can be amazing when merged together, thus Hayley's hair.
50. I am upset that after all of that, I'm still only halfway done. Wtg?
51. Heights is pretty much the only thing I'm afraid of. And maybe the process of getting close to someone. Not sure of the latter, though.
52. Yes, I can appreciate good country music, and I honestly like the musical stylings of Dolly Parton.
53. I used to dance on the tables when I was in 9th grade, then preach to the masses out of my little Bible.
54. I appreciate "Titanic" in a way that I haven't seen anyone else do. It all lies in the theme I get out of it, said perfectly by aged Rose near the end, "...that he saved me, in every way that a person can be saved." It wasn't a love story to me. It was a life story and how someone came to realization on how to truly live her life. And that whole "I'll never let go" gonch that she says that EVERYONE makes fun of. Get over it - she's talking about all the stuff Jack taught her.
55. By the way, Leonardo DiCaprio is my favorite actor and not for this stunning good looks. Though he definitely has them. But if he was just average, I'd still love him.
56. Natalie Portman is awesome on screen. In case you were wondering. So yeah, favorite actress.
57. The original Star Wars trilogy is definitely up there on my favorites list. The second trilogy released a few years ago kind of really sucks, though. I'd love to re-do it.
58. I'm half Carribean. Or West Indian. Whichever you'd rather. Nevisian, even.
59. I have a lot of Quaker products in my room right now. Instant oatmeal, chewy granola, and I just finished the little rice cakes the other day.
60. My first screen name was KarCJT728. Karate, Chanelle Jasmine Tyson, July 28th. Does it make sense now?
61. I think very highly of my two best friends. And it pisses me off when people try to talk trash about them 'cause yeah, they're so much better than those trash talkers will ever be.
62. I don't care if you do something to me most times. But cross my friends, and I will freakin' make you wish that you didn't. Pisses me off.
63. On a happier note, I think squirrel are really cool. I wish I could have a domesticated one. Someday, I will.
64. I played softball for about 3 years. I had a killer swing, because of my upper body strength, but I'd get so jumpy on the plate that I'd always swing too early. But I could catch them outfield balls like it was nobody's business.
65. Playing the outfield bores the mess out of me, though. Especially when you're playing against a bad team or your pitcher sucks.
66. I genuinely like the song "Nobody's Perfect." Yes, by Hannah Montana.
67. "Set Phasers to Stun", "O. Lover", "Song For A Friend", and "Lovestoned (I Think She Knows Interlude)" absolutely make music for me.
68. HAHAHA I just read that Miley Cyrus OFFICIALLY changed her name from "Destiny Hope Cyrus" to "Miley Ray Cyrus." Like, legally! And that cracks me up. Who the heck would do that at 15? That girl has issues - stick to ONE identity and keep it.
69. If I could change my name...wait. I would never do that. I really genuinely like my name.
70. I love the smell of Tide Soap Powder. Oh my gosh, it smells sooo good.
71. I could eat Italian food everyday. I love the spices, the sauces, and the meats especially.
72. The only good part about Valentine's Day for me is those candy hearts with the writing on them. I love those things - they taste great.
73. I feel like naming every movie that I have up here with me, maybe in hopes that someone reading this note will be comment that they want to watch one with me, 'cause I'm in one of those moods: (the Leonardi DiCaprio ones are reserved for a movie marathon that will happen someday, though)
Batman Returns, Blood Diamond, Catch Me if You Can, Children of Men, The Departed, Domino, Donnie Darko, Edward Scissorhands, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Fargo, Fight Club, Forrest Gump, Gangs of New York, The Godfathr, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, High School Musical, Kung Pow, Mean Girls, Scary Movie 2, Se7en, She's the Man, Sicko, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars trilogy, Talladega Nights, Titanic, The Truman Show, and V for Vendetta.
74. I wish I was either a Power Ranger, a Jedi Knight, and Pokemon trainer, or attended Hogwarts. Too bad I'm past the prime age for, like, all those. Except maybe the Pokemon trainer, but where do I get a Pikachu? Yeah, that's what I thought.
75. Someday I will become a guitar expert.
76. Also, I will someday learn how to do a few tricks pretty well on a skateboard.
77. Degrassi: The Next Generation and South of Nowhere are the two shows that I hardcore follow.
78. I absolutely adore 80's music. Careless Whispers, Our Lips Are Sealed, Beat It, Billie Jean, Islands in the Stream, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, and Take On Me are among my favorites. And Jenny (8675309). And Footloose. Dang, I love it all.
79. Plus the movies. I think Sixteen Candles is the best teen movie ever, and just one of the funniest movies period. And who doesn't love The Breakfast Club? I mean, c'mon! John Hughes is freakin' genius in his own right.
80. Some of the best sounding words/phrases are sadly inappropriate. Like "menage a trois", "cunnilingus", and "douchebag." All fun to say - I wish they didn't mean what they did, haha.
81. Guys with stubble facial hair - oh yeah! I love that.
82. This Sea Island Cotton body splash stuff I got from Bath and Body Works is some of the most satisfying smelling stuff ever. It smells like a cloud. I love it.
83. The headphone jack in my iPod is busted, so music only plays out of one side of any head or earphone I plug into there. I need it repaired.
84. I am using a Mac Book Pro. I kind of miss PC, but I do admit, Macs come with nifty entertainment stuff.
85. I wasn't at all excited about becoming 18. But it's been great so far, but not because of the perks or whatever.
86. I definitely enjoy Christmas carols of all sorts.
87. I also wish I could be a secret agent or a fighter pilot. Has that opportunity already passed? I think I want to make films more, though.
88. Sour Skittles are amazing. Yep.
89. So is the Phantom Tollbooth. You should read that, and the Holy Bible, and anything Tim O'Brein and 1984 and anything Alexandre Dumas and the Lord of the Flies and the Great Gatsby.
90. I didn't really like Catcher in the Rye. I mean, I didn't dislike it. It's a good book, I suppose. But I related it to it way to much, especially at that time I was reading it, for my likiing.
91. I absolutely love playing the Crash Bandicoot series for Playstation 1. If ANYONE has them, let me know. I'm crashing your dorm.
92. I am obsessed with bodies of waters. The larger, the better. I just can't ever stop staring. When flying, when passing over bridges, whenever.
93. Johnny Depp, in my opinion, is the most gorgeous man on Earth.
94. Tom Brady is gorgeous, but I like the boy-next-door subtle cute look of Eli Manning better.
95. I hate it when guys wear skinny jeans. However, I am quite comfortable in the pair I have on right now.
96. Sometimes I feel slightly weird around girls that are taller than me. It's because I'm so used to being the tallest girl that when put in the opposite position...it's kind of weird.
97. I love this city. The skyline, just walking through it. It's pretty great.
98. I never want to live in High Point again. I'll visit or whatever. But I don't want that to be my permanent address. Nothing happens there. It's an awkward town. I don't like it.
99. Los Angeles is calling me. It has been for awhile. I'm gonna get over there as soon as possible.
100. God is amazing. Life is amazing. I am always happy. Though not always satisfied. But definitely happy.
I got sick of tagging people after number 7 or so, so yeah.
1. I'm addicted to working out. When I don't work out, it's just because there's no time or opporunity that day, and I still feel bad about it. I've worked out 7 out of the 9 full days I've been up here so far. By the end of this week, that number will more than likely be 9 out of 12. 75%.
2. I personally know three other people who were born on the exact same day as me. And one who was born exactly two years after me. The end of October is a popular time for conception.
3. I am also addicted to tetris which is, as my current status states, an art. I have come to learn that these past few weeks.
4. College isn't for me. I don't do structured and monotonous well.
5. God is most important in my life. And I try hard to show it in how I live my life.
6. Entertainment is one of my passions.
7. Filmmaking is my other. It does not fall into the same category as entertainment. Filmmaking is an art. A medium. True film, in the fashion I would like to make, should do more than entertain you. It should make you feel. It should change your life. That's what I want to do with film.
8. In 2005, I made it aware that I did not want to be known as the class clown and rather not be voted that superlative. Two years later, I graciously accepted that title, because it's apart of who I am. I still don't like the title of clown, though. I am a humorist.
9. I write so much better than I speak. I also write so much better than most people. But speak so much worst than most people as well. So it evens out.
10. I will gladly listen to the Jonas Brothers as long as I am blissfully unaware of their fanbase, their supposed fame status, and their strutting.
11. On the subject of music, I joke around a lot about listening to the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, but they are nowhere near my favorite artists, nor do I think their music has much substance beyond catchiness and the occasionally upbeat, positive message.
12. Favorite music? Taking Back Sunday, Jason Mraz, Justin Timberlake, Shakira, and most recently, Paramore.
13. Ludacris is my favorite rapper. TI and Trick Daddy follow that.
14. I really don't think I could become romantically involved with a guy who didn't at least have some skill in basketball. What can I say? Sinking a jump shot turns me on.
15. I also couldn't be romantically involved with a guy who would consider himself good at "beer pong." Or any guy who plays that regularly.
16. I like everyone, unless you've given me a specific reason not to. And I'll tell you that specific reason: you've purposely started crap with me. And even then, I don't dislike you. I just become indifferent. Unless you've started crap with a friend of mine - THEN I dislike you.
17. I never start drama. I can only name one instance, and even then, it wasn't a case of me overreacting over something stupid. It was planned and quite manipulative, I admit, and it wouldn't have even worked if the other party involved hadn't have overreacted about it. But we knew that she would, so thus the plan. I can justify it, really, but I don't feel like going into all of that here. Anyway, all other times, I never started it. Wanna challenge that? I invite you to, but I'll prove it.
18. At this moment, I have 70 subscribers on my youtube channel. Mamma mia! http://www.youtube.com/bethandchanelleshow
19. All things I say to make you laugh, I usually don't think they're funny. I just know what kind of humor the majority of people react to and thus unconsciously create it. I don't consider it selling out, because the only reason I seek to make people laugh is to benefit them. I enjoy seeing people enjoy themselves, and I love being the cause of that.
20. What makes me laugh? Completely random stuff. Silly things that isn't classified as "stupid humor", but definitely only makes a special breed of person laugh. Some things that make the majority laugh make me laugh, too (like Adam Sandler movies), but a lot of things that make the majority laugh, I just find stupid. Like, Charlie the Unicorn. RETARDED.
21. Like I said, I never start stuff, but I always have to retaliate. I've been trying not to lately, but it's definitely a hard habit to break. A lot of the stuff doesn't even bother me - I just have to bite back. It's a pride thing.
22. I took martial arts for six years. The forms I studied were karate, tae kwon do, and this nifty style called tae kuk mu sul.
23. I also used to fence. Only did it for a couple of months, but by the time I was done with it, I had won a few matches. I only learned to do it with a foil.
24. I wanted to attend Stanford University as a Biology major, following a pre-med track, then go to medical school to become a psychiatrist. Then I decided that film school in New York would be so much more fun.
25. On the subject of academics, I'm pretty much a genius, and I say that as humbly as I can, haha. I dunno - I think people see me as a film major and a joker and just don't think of me as being one of those kind of people. But I am.
26. Because I am, I wonder sometimes if I'm wasting my potential, because I could've easily been successful in the medical field, but then I realize that if I went into Biology, I still would've been wasting potential.
27. I don't really like to do work when it comes down to things that don't particularly interest me. So I definitely and honestly didn't in high school (except in AP English 11...well, sometimes). Ended up with a 4.7 GPA - not bad, right?
28. I think I'm humble because I state it as it is then give God all the credit. And I don't think I'm better than anyone else. Because I don't need to compare myself to feel good about myself.
29. I spent a lot of 2005 listening to everybody's problems and dishing out advice. Now I have no interest in being that sort of person, because I feel like I spent over a year just listening to everyone else, but not getting my chance to express myself.
30. Don't expect me to express myself to you, though, unless you're name is Beth or Carmen, or we're talking about trivial concerns. I'm not an open person, and it takes time for me to want to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of a person.
31. As much as I love being the center of attention, I also don't mind being behind the scenes. I've had to do a lot of that throughout my life because I went to a shyness thing that I'm only now starting to grow out of, and I find it intriguing. And it's what's made me a great listener and a decent "expert" on how humans work - because I've just watched them for years. See why I was gonna become a psychiatrist?
32. I love to write, but I feel like something traumatic must've happened at the end of 2005, because after that point, my writing habits went downhill from there. Not sure what happened, but it also does mark a shift from wanting to be a novelist to a filmmaker, because I have tons of story ideas that I now would rather express through film than prose.
33. This number was my trademark basketball number for YEARS. Then I became a sophomore in high school and had to resort to 44. Not a bad alternative.
34. Basketball is another passion of mine. I miss playing organized, competitive ball sooo badly, but the last two years of high school just kind of screwed my mindset over completely. I seriously had the potential to play Division 1 ball. I just was screwed over.
35. I completely understand now why everything that has happened so far in my life did happen. God truly knows what He's doing.
36. I find it ironic how many people consider Christians as close-minded for how they consider God, Jesus, the Bible, and their system of faith as being the only option, yet no one accuses atheists of being close-minded.
37. I do not like it when people are clingy.
38. Nor when people think we're better/closer friend than we're actually are.
39. I am going to raise my kids in Canada.
40. No matter how wealthy or whatever I get, my kids are going to public school. I'm not sheltering them nor paying when the government gives me a completely fine option.
41. I'm a Democrat. Liberal. Whatever you wanna call it. And get pissed when people denounce that just because of the abortion and gay marriage issue, neither of which personally defines me as a democrat, because there are SO many other issues and do not even have anything to do with my political standing, just my spiritual one.
42. I hate it when people aren't consistent.
43. I am possibly the most inconsistent person around.
44. I am a hypocrite.
45. I am also indecisive when it comes to small matters, such as wear I want to eat, what I want to buy, what I want to do, etc.
46. However, for the bigger issues, I know exactly what I want and I refuse to back down from that.
47. I think the color of Hayley Williams' hair is phenomenal. It's not that I want her hair or anything - I just think that shade is amazing.
48. Speaking of amazing colors, I am completely enamored by the color of the sky on a clear day. It is amazing. And it reminds me of God every time.
49. I am also obsessed with the colors of a sunset, especially in New York when it reflects off of the buildings and just emerged the whole entire skyline. Orangeish red/yellow can be amazing when merged together, thus Hayley's hair.
50. I am upset that after all of that, I'm still only halfway done. Wtg?
51. Heights is pretty much the only thing I'm afraid of. And maybe the process of getting close to someone. Not sure of the latter, though.
52. Yes, I can appreciate good country music, and I honestly like the musical stylings of Dolly Parton.
53. I used to dance on the tables when I was in 9th grade, then preach to the masses out of my little Bible.
54. I appreciate "Titanic" in a way that I haven't seen anyone else do. It all lies in the theme I get out of it, said perfectly by aged Rose near the end, "...that he saved me, in every way that a person can be saved." It wasn't a love story to me. It was a life story and how someone came to realization on how to truly live her life. And that whole "I'll never let go" gonch that she says that EVERYONE makes fun of. Get over it - she's talking about all the stuff Jack taught her.
55. By the way, Leonardo DiCaprio is my favorite actor and not for this stunning good looks. Though he definitely has them. But if he was just average, I'd still love him.
56. Natalie Portman is awesome on screen. In case you were wondering. So yeah, favorite actress.
57. The original Star Wars trilogy is definitely up there on my favorites list. The second trilogy released a few years ago kind of really sucks, though. I'd love to re-do it.
58. I'm half Carribean. Or West Indian. Whichever you'd rather. Nevisian, even.
59. I have a lot of Quaker products in my room right now. Instant oatmeal, chewy granola, and I just finished the little rice cakes the other day.
60. My first screen name was KarCJT728. Karate, Chanelle Jasmine Tyson, July 28th. Does it make sense now?
61. I think very highly of my two best friends. And it pisses me off when people try to talk trash about them 'cause yeah, they're so much better than those trash talkers will ever be.
62. I don't care if you do something to me most times. But cross my friends, and I will freakin' make you wish that you didn't. Pisses me off.
63. On a happier note, I think squirrel are really cool. I wish I could have a domesticated one. Someday, I will.
64. I played softball for about 3 years. I had a killer swing, because of my upper body strength, but I'd get so jumpy on the plate that I'd always swing too early. But I could catch them outfield balls like it was nobody's business.
65. Playing the outfield bores the mess out of me, though. Especially when you're playing against a bad team or your pitcher sucks.
66. I genuinely like the song "Nobody's Perfect." Yes, by Hannah Montana.
67. "Set Phasers to Stun", "O. Lover", "Song For A Friend", and "Lovestoned (I Think She Knows Interlude)" absolutely make music for me.
68. HAHAHA I just read that Miley Cyrus OFFICIALLY changed her name from "Destiny Hope Cyrus" to "Miley Ray Cyrus." Like, legally! And that cracks me up. Who the heck would do that at 15? That girl has issues - stick to ONE identity and keep it.
69. If I could change my name...wait. I would never do that. I really genuinely like my name.
70. I love the smell of Tide Soap Powder. Oh my gosh, it smells sooo good.
71. I could eat Italian food everyday. I love the spices, the sauces, and the meats especially.
72. The only good part about Valentine's Day for me is those candy hearts with the writing on them. I love those things - they taste great.
73. I feel like naming every movie that I have up here with me, maybe in hopes that someone reading this note will be comment that they want to watch one with me, 'cause I'm in one of those moods: (the Leonardi DiCaprio ones are reserved for a movie marathon that will happen someday, though)
Batman Returns, Blood Diamond, Catch Me if You Can, Children of Men, The Departed, Domino, Donnie Darko, Edward Scissorhands, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Fargo, Fight Club, Forrest Gump, Gangs of New York, The Godfathr, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, High School Musical, Kung Pow, Mean Girls, Scary Movie 2, Se7en, She's the Man, Sicko, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars trilogy, Talladega Nights, Titanic, The Truman Show, and V for Vendetta.
74. I wish I was either a Power Ranger, a Jedi Knight, and Pokemon trainer, or attended Hogwarts. Too bad I'm past the prime age for, like, all those. Except maybe the Pokemon trainer, but where do I get a Pikachu? Yeah, that's what I thought.
75. Someday I will become a guitar expert.
76. Also, I will someday learn how to do a few tricks pretty well on a skateboard.
77. Degrassi: The Next Generation and South of Nowhere are the two shows that I hardcore follow.
78. I absolutely adore 80's music. Careless Whispers, Our Lips Are Sealed, Beat It, Billie Jean, Islands in the Stream, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, and Take On Me are among my favorites. And Jenny (8675309). And Footloose. Dang, I love it all.
79. Plus the movies. I think Sixteen Candles is the best teen movie ever, and just one of the funniest movies period. And who doesn't love The Breakfast Club? I mean, c'mon! John Hughes is freakin' genius in his own right.
80. Some of the best sounding words/phrases are sadly inappropriate. Like "menage a trois", "cunnilingus", and "douchebag." All fun to say - I wish they didn't mean what they did, haha.
81. Guys with stubble facial hair - oh yeah! I love that.
82. This Sea Island Cotton body splash stuff I got from Bath and Body Works is some of the most satisfying smelling stuff ever. It smells like a cloud. I love it.
83. The headphone jack in my iPod is busted, so music only plays out of one side of any head or earphone I plug into there. I need it repaired.
84. I am using a Mac Book Pro. I kind of miss PC, but I do admit, Macs come with nifty entertainment stuff.
85. I wasn't at all excited about becoming 18. But it's been great so far, but not because of the perks or whatever.
86. I definitely enjoy Christmas carols of all sorts.
87. I also wish I could be a secret agent or a fighter pilot. Has that opportunity already passed? I think I want to make films more, though.
88. Sour Skittles are amazing. Yep.
89. So is the Phantom Tollbooth. You should read that, and the Holy Bible, and anything Tim O'Brein and 1984 and anything Alexandre Dumas and the Lord of the Flies and the Great Gatsby.
90. I didn't really like Catcher in the Rye. I mean, I didn't dislike it. It's a good book, I suppose. But I related it to it way to much, especially at that time I was reading it, for my likiing.
91. I absolutely love playing the Crash Bandicoot series for Playstation 1. If ANYONE has them, let me know. I'm crashing your dorm.
92. I am obsessed with bodies of waters. The larger, the better. I just can't ever stop staring. When flying, when passing over bridges, whenever.
93. Johnny Depp, in my opinion, is the most gorgeous man on Earth.
94. Tom Brady is gorgeous, but I like the boy-next-door subtle cute look of Eli Manning better.
95. I hate it when guys wear skinny jeans. However, I am quite comfortable in the pair I have on right now.
96. Sometimes I feel slightly weird around girls that are taller than me. It's because I'm so used to being the tallest girl that when put in the opposite position...it's kind of weird.
97. I love this city. The skyline, just walking through it. It's pretty great.
98. I never want to live in High Point again. I'll visit or whatever. But I don't want that to be my permanent address. Nothing happens there. It's an awkward town. I don't like it.
99. Los Angeles is calling me. It has been for awhile. I'm gonna get over there as soon as possible.
100. God is amazing. Life is amazing. I am always happy. Though not always satisfied. But definitely happy.
Friday, October 1, 2010
I Corinthians 13: 4-8
Originally posted Friday, October 24, 2008 at 3:56 am
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I always looked at that verse as to how we should love. And it definitely is a great template for that. But it has just occurred to me that that is how God loves us. Of course, I've always believed in the love of God, always known of it, but never exactly delved into what that exactly meant. It's just always been a general thing. But reading every single descriptor of love up above and knowing that that entails the love we receive from Jesus, just makes verses like Romans 8:38-39 even more comforting.
Something I feel like I've dealt with the past few months is specifically stated above - "it keeps no records of wrongs." And I know God forgives - we only have to ask, but it never stopped me from feeling ashamed, dirty - sometimes not even worthy of being apart of God. But that's a fallacy, and all on my part. Because though I can never forgive and forget, God most certainly does. And I may dwell in shame because of my sin, very well past the time I committed it, but there's no need to. God isn't holding it against me. I've sincerely asked for my forgiveness - it's time to move on.
I felt so guilty. I felt as God was telling me something, leading me to a certain direction, and I completely chickened out. I wasn't strong enough because I could act on what the Lord was telling me. But I had a realization today. God understands. He knows how hard it was, that I am only human - He knows exactly why I could've step up to the call. And instead of picturing Him looking down on me and shaking His head in disappointment, I picture Him smiling comfortingly at me, still loving me, telling me "It's okay, Chanelle. It's okay."
Of course, He would've been absolutely thrilled if I'd had the courage to go forth, despite it all. But he's not ashamed of me because I didn't, and I truly feel that in my heart. He knows my shortcomings, but is patient with them, because He loves me, and as the verse entails - "love is patient." And though undoubtedly it would've been better if I just would've pushed through in His intended direction, things will still come together perfectly. Albeit in a different way, but it still will - I know that.
I finally feel like I'm getting it right again, and it feels amazing.
I always looked at that verse as to how we should love. And it definitely is a great template for that. But it has just occurred to me that that is how God loves us. Of course, I've always believed in the love of God, always known of it, but never exactly delved into what that exactly meant. It's just always been a general thing. But reading every single descriptor of love up above and knowing that that entails the love we receive from Jesus, just makes verses like Romans 8:38-39 even more comforting.
Something I feel like I've dealt with the past few months is specifically stated above - "it keeps no records of wrongs." And I know God forgives - we only have to ask, but it never stopped me from feeling ashamed, dirty - sometimes not even worthy of being apart of God. But that's a fallacy, and all on my part. Because though I can never forgive and forget, God most certainly does. And I may dwell in shame because of my sin, very well past the time I committed it, but there's no need to. God isn't holding it against me. I've sincerely asked for my forgiveness - it's time to move on.
I felt so guilty. I felt as God was telling me something, leading me to a certain direction, and I completely chickened out. I wasn't strong enough because I could act on what the Lord was telling me. But I had a realization today. God understands. He knows how hard it was, that I am only human - He knows exactly why I could've step up to the call. And instead of picturing Him looking down on me and shaking His head in disappointment, I picture Him smiling comfortingly at me, still loving me, telling me "It's okay, Chanelle. It's okay."
Of course, He would've been absolutely thrilled if I'd had the courage to go forth, despite it all. But he's not ashamed of me because I didn't, and I truly feel that in my heart. He knows my shortcomings, but is patient with them, because He loves me, and as the verse entails - "love is patient." And though undoubtedly it would've been better if I just would've pushed through in His intended direction, things will still come together perfectly. Albeit in a different way, but it still will - I know that.
I finally feel like I'm getting it right again, and it feels amazing.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
You are truly all that I need
Originally posted Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 2:09am
I just had this feeling come over me.
The feeling of God's arms wrapping around me securely. His head on my shoulder. The sheer power of His endless love as He whispers in my ear, "I've got you, Chanelle. Everything will be okay - I'm taking care of it. I love you."
He's in this room with me. I feel Him, I absolutely know. There are very few things that I can ever be certain of in this life, and there is nothing I am more sure of in this moment than the presence of the Lord, reassuring me.
And how can I not smile widely? The foundations of a life I used to know are forever crumbling into something so perverted that it's unrecognizable. Things are getting more frantic now - I'm living week by week now. There's $162 in my bank account and nothing else is coming in. My meal plans running out, my jeans are ripping to shreds. Hopes of my childhood have shattered - the family I wished to maintain officially broken, and every single things lies completely out of my control. By the end of May, I'll be in the midst of a life completely different than one I've ever thought I'd know.
But why worry? "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouses nor barn; and God feeds them. And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?"
My God will provide for me, this I know. And it's hard to know. I was on the cusp of a legitimate panic attack last night, pacing my room as the distress and hopeless threatened to overcome me. But then tonight I sit here, and I'm the farthest away from that, because it has been confirmed that God is not going anywhere. He will remain by my side.
He is my only certain in life. And I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't know where my next meals are coming from, but I know they're coming. I don't know where I'm going to be living coming this summer, but I know I'll be living somewhere. And how $162 is going to stretch at least three weeks, I have no idea, but I do know it's going to stretch. That's the kind of confidence I have with my God.
So it seems kind of silly to worry. It seems very silly to have these problems take such a high stock in my life. Because how can anything truly be bad when I can feel the presence of the Lord right here next to me? It is the most glorious, reassuring, beautiful feeling, and in the face of that kind of perfection, everything else kind of just fizzles away.
Hallelujah!
The feeling of God's arms wrapping around me securely. His head on my shoulder. The sheer power of His endless love as He whispers in my ear, "I've got you, Chanelle. Everything will be okay - I'm taking care of it. I love you."
He's in this room with me. I feel Him, I absolutely know. There are very few things that I can ever be certain of in this life, and there is nothing I am more sure of in this moment than the presence of the Lord, reassuring me.
And how can I not smile widely? The foundations of a life I used to know are forever crumbling into something so perverted that it's unrecognizable. Things are getting more frantic now - I'm living week by week now. There's $162 in my bank account and nothing else is coming in. My meal plans running out, my jeans are ripping to shreds. Hopes of my childhood have shattered - the family I wished to maintain officially broken, and every single things lies completely out of my control. By the end of May, I'll be in the midst of a life completely different than one I've ever thought I'd know.
But why worry? "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouses nor barn; and God feeds them. And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?"
My God will provide for me, this I know. And it's hard to know. I was on the cusp of a legitimate panic attack last night, pacing my room as the distress and hopeless threatened to overcome me. But then tonight I sit here, and I'm the farthest away from that, because it has been confirmed that God is not going anywhere. He will remain by my side.
He is my only certain in life. And I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't know where my next meals are coming from, but I know they're coming. I don't know where I'm going to be living coming this summer, but I know I'll be living somewhere. And how $162 is going to stretch at least three weeks, I have no idea, but I do know it's going to stretch. That's the kind of confidence I have with my God.
So it seems kind of silly to worry. It seems very silly to have these problems take such a high stock in my life. Because how can anything truly be bad when I can feel the presence of the Lord right here next to me? It is the most glorious, reassuring, beautiful feeling, and in the face of that kind of perfection, everything else kind of just fizzles away.
Hallelujah!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Therefore let us pursue things which make for peace...
Originally posted Friday, November 7, 2008 at 5:18am
"Receive one who is weak in faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things.
For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables.
Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him.
Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.
One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.
He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord, and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.
For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself.
For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.
For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living.
By why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.
For it is written:
'As I live, says the Lord
Every knee shall bow to Me,
And every tongue shall confess to God.'
So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.
Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way."
Romans 14:13
Given the recent dissension amongst Christians in lieu of the result of the most recent elections, I had a note prepared, delving deeper into a case I had already made, hoping to make a point. It was calmly written - it was a passionate note, but it was not an angry or accusatory one, but definitely one meant to prove a point.
I posted this note, let it settle for awhile, but in the midst of my procrastinations and distractions, I somehow returned to the note. The in that moment, a strong feeling arose in my gut. Immediately, I knew what the feeling meant - take down that note.
Immediately, I was reluctant and determined to ignore it. Yet as I moved to X-out of the page, the feeling remained, and I knew it would be a blatant disregard to God's will if I left it up. Against better judgment, my reaction still was along the lines of "Well, He'll get over it. Tomorrow, it won't matter."
But then God brought this verse to my heart, a verse I had came across earlier that day. Romans 14:19 - "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."
And then He spoke to me (and I loosely quote):
"Chanelle, take down the note. You're not wrong, but it won't bring the Christian people together. Take it down."
So I did.
And it's true. It doesn't matter what I intended on fighting or how eloquently and nicely I put it. It doesn't matter how right I believe I am, or how good my intentions were in posting it, because it would've naturally caused disagreement. And though arguing has its fruits, when it gets to the point where it's pitting Christian against Christian - not just over any subject, but over God's Word, Will, and Intent - then we're teetering into something dangerous.
There's nothing wrong with a calm discussion, exploring different sides of an issues, and trying to mutually discover and derive a true meaning, whilst respecting and giving merit to each other's viewpoints. But there's a pretense set to these sort of discussions usually, and the intent is to discover as opposed to convincing.
But I had seen how other arguments on this particular subject developed - it was border-lining malicious with no sort of conceding and barely any respect. Given the subject of my note, there was a high chance that this comment section would've turned into a battlefield. As Christians, that is not what God wants from us - to be pitted against one another over a discord in beliefs, when at the heart of it, we believe in the exact same thing - the love of Jesus Christ.
Both sides were advocating for the same Lord, deriving their reasoning from the same Word, and ultimately came to a conclusion that they felt succeeded in glorifying the Kingdom. Perhaps we need to be focusing on that, because in this world, the last thing we need is a thick, black line separating the Christian community. We can argue over other things as much as we want, but I am quite certain that at least that is not God's Will for us as a body.
I am still highly bothered by some of the things expressed in recent days, but I just have to let it go. That is why I will argue no more, for the stability of our body is more important than defending my viewpoint and what it says about my relationship with God when I am quite confident in it already.
So we shouldn't judge or fight against each other - don't worry about what the other person says about a particular issue in regards to their faith in Christ and if it makes them more or less of a Christian, because the definition of a Christian is not up to us, and if a person's heart really belongs to Christ, despite his opinion on a matter - may it be wrong or right -"God is able to make him stand."
I guess it's less about making sure our specific beliefs align, but realizing that a person can, for example, believe that it is God's will that everyone has a choice (even if it is a choice that we vehemently disagree with), and still most definitely be a serious Christian, just as much as someone who dons the complete opposite standpoint, for "God has received" both. It is not that which defines our faith, but our love for the Lord and our love for others, and what we strive to do to promote both.
And if what we're doing is not out of love, then we have an issue. And I realize that the kind of arguing that I was participating in and potentially promoting was not creating an environment of love, but encouraging a divide. And that does not lead to either peace or mutual edification of the Christian body.
So I apologize for arguing. I stand by what I believe, but fact of the matter is, we've all given up our lives for the same Savior and are all trying to live according to the same purpose - His purpose, and derive our convictions, beliefs, and actions for the same Word. And that's all that matters. So instead of bickering amongst ourselves, instead "let us each be fully convinced in our own mind[s]", let's turn our focus and energy outwards in order to have a truly positive effect on this world by living our lives the right way.
For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables.
Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him.
Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.
One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.
He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord, and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.
For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself.
For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.
For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living.
By why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.
For it is written:
'As I live, says the Lord
Every knee shall bow to Me,
And every tongue shall confess to God.'
So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.
Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way."
Romans 14:13
Given the recent dissension amongst Christians in lieu of the result of the most recent elections, I had a note prepared, delving deeper into a case I had already made, hoping to make a point. It was calmly written - it was a passionate note, but it was not an angry or accusatory one, but definitely one meant to prove a point.
I posted this note, let it settle for awhile, but in the midst of my procrastinations and distractions, I somehow returned to the note. The in that moment, a strong feeling arose in my gut. Immediately, I knew what the feeling meant - take down that note.
Immediately, I was reluctant and determined to ignore it. Yet as I moved to X-out of the page, the feeling remained, and I knew it would be a blatant disregard to God's will if I left it up. Against better judgment, my reaction still was along the lines of "Well, He'll get over it. Tomorrow, it won't matter."
But then God brought this verse to my heart, a verse I had came across earlier that day. Romans 14:19 - "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."
And then He spoke to me (and I loosely quote):
"Chanelle, take down the note. You're not wrong, but it won't bring the Christian people together. Take it down."
So I did.
And it's true. It doesn't matter what I intended on fighting or how eloquently and nicely I put it. It doesn't matter how right I believe I am, or how good my intentions were in posting it, because it would've naturally caused disagreement. And though arguing has its fruits, when it gets to the point where it's pitting Christian against Christian - not just over any subject, but over God's Word, Will, and Intent - then we're teetering into something dangerous.
There's nothing wrong with a calm discussion, exploring different sides of an issues, and trying to mutually discover and derive a true meaning, whilst respecting and giving merit to each other's viewpoints. But there's a pretense set to these sort of discussions usually, and the intent is to discover as opposed to convincing.
But I had seen how other arguments on this particular subject developed - it was border-lining malicious with no sort of conceding and barely any respect. Given the subject of my note, there was a high chance that this comment section would've turned into a battlefield. As Christians, that is not what God wants from us - to be pitted against one another over a discord in beliefs, when at the heart of it, we believe in the exact same thing - the love of Jesus Christ.
Both sides were advocating for the same Lord, deriving their reasoning from the same Word, and ultimately came to a conclusion that they felt succeeded in glorifying the Kingdom. Perhaps we need to be focusing on that, because in this world, the last thing we need is a thick, black line separating the Christian community. We can argue over other things as much as we want, but I am quite certain that at least that is not God's Will for us as a body.
I am still highly bothered by some of the things expressed in recent days, but I just have to let it go. That is why I will argue no more, for the stability of our body is more important than defending my viewpoint and what it says about my relationship with God when I am quite confident in it already.
So we shouldn't judge or fight against each other - don't worry about what the other person says about a particular issue in regards to their faith in Christ and if it makes them more or less of a Christian, because the definition of a Christian is not up to us, and if a person's heart really belongs to Christ, despite his opinion on a matter - may it be wrong or right -"God is able to make him stand."
I guess it's less about making sure our specific beliefs align, but realizing that a person can, for example, believe that it is God's will that everyone has a choice (even if it is a choice that we vehemently disagree with), and still most definitely be a serious Christian, just as much as someone who dons the complete opposite standpoint, for "God has received" both. It is not that which defines our faith, but our love for the Lord and our love for others, and what we strive to do to promote both.
And if what we're doing is not out of love, then we have an issue. And I realize that the kind of arguing that I was participating in and potentially promoting was not creating an environment of love, but encouraging a divide. And that does not lead to either peace or mutual edification of the Christian body.
So I apologize for arguing. I stand by what I believe, but fact of the matter is, we've all given up our lives for the same Savior and are all trying to live according to the same purpose - His purpose, and derive our convictions, beliefs, and actions for the same Word. And that's all that matters. So instead of bickering amongst ourselves, instead "let us each be fully convinced in our own mind[s]", let's turn our focus and energy outwards in order to have a truly positive effect on this world by living our lives the right way.
From the Inside Out
Originally posted Friday, October 31, 2008 at 12:33am
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out
-"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong
I feel so desperate when I sing this song. Like it embodies the exact desires of my heart. The last line especially gets me every time. All the emotion nearly drives me to tears - not tears of sadness, not even exactly happiness - just pure passion and love that I can't even begin to express as the presence of the Lord washes over me. No expression seems to do it justice. I love Him so much, I want Him so badly.
And absolutely nothing else matters. If every fiber of my living being isn't dedicated to Him, then I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through life distanced from Him, feeling separated from His glory. Because I've been there far too many times, and every time I escape that dark place, I never want to go back. Because the comparison between being in the presence of the Lord and feeling distant from Him is so drastic - I couldn't imagine spending an eternity away from Him. That's exactly what Hell is - eternal separation from Him. The mere thought sends me to anguish, and I can't help but think, "These people really don't know what they're missing."
And I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks. If I have to go through life judged and condemned, thought of as less because I've chosen to put my faith into a Savior and to use every shred of my gifts and talents to glorify His Kingdom, then so be it. If I never win an Oscar because I'm too consumed with creating films that reveal His power, mercy, and love, then I will be perfectly okay with that. Because what is a gold statue in the wake of God? Absolutely nothing.
So I will willingly be used and abused in anyway that is called. I will allow myself to be emotionally drained for the benefits of others. I will sacrifice success by terms of the world in order to please my Lord. Because I owe Him. I owe Him my life for I have truly been saved.
It's the most relieving thing to feel the fire again after I let external forces douse it out over the summer due to my own weaknesses. But the beautiful part is that even though I was weak, even though I feel as if I failed, God never held it against me. He just continued to love me, and He's been telling me this repeatedly as I've struggled to find my place again these past couple of months. As I felt shame and confusion, He just smiled and patiently waited for me to open my eyes. Two weekends ago, I finally did, and it's gotten me to this point where I am walking down the street, and I'm smiling for no reason other than the fact that God is amazing, and He's using me to do great things, and He loves me - and all the pettiness of the world just disappears when presented with those facts.
People can see it, too. As I walked down Waverly Place this afternoon, I mused over how joyful and at peace I felt. A second later, a woman approached me as I had paused to pull my gloves on. She asked me if I was a NYU student, if I went to church, if I studied the Bible, if I wanted to study it more. Once I had answered all these questions, she just continued smiling, told me 'God Bless', and walked off.
Initially, I was just puzzled by this random occurrence and was prepared to just shrug it off as just another one of the weird things that happen in New York. But then in occurred to me - maybe she could tell. Maybe she could tell that my life had been touched, the God had consumed me. They always say that the glory of God shines through and considering how I felt, maybe it did. Why else would this woman with apparently no agenda, walking just as I was, approach me with these questions? There had to be something different that caused her to ask me this, and I'm thinking I know exactly what it was.
His glory is amazing.
Some may scoff. It bothers me simply because I've become apart of the most amazing thing - I wish everyone could experience it. And that's what I've decided to totally dedicate my life to - making sure everyone can experience it. If only just through a kind gesture motivated by the love of Jesus Christ, then so be it. But my life is His because without Him, I would have no life.
It is truly amazing.
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out
-"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong
I feel so desperate when I sing this song. Like it embodies the exact desires of my heart. The last line especially gets me every time. All the emotion nearly drives me to tears - not tears of sadness, not even exactly happiness - just pure passion and love that I can't even begin to express as the presence of the Lord washes over me. No expression seems to do it justice. I love Him so much, I want Him so badly.
And absolutely nothing else matters. If every fiber of my living being isn't dedicated to Him, then I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through life distanced from Him, feeling separated from His glory. Because I've been there far too many times, and every time I escape that dark place, I never want to go back. Because the comparison between being in the presence of the Lord and feeling distant from Him is so drastic - I couldn't imagine spending an eternity away from Him. That's exactly what Hell is - eternal separation from Him. The mere thought sends me to anguish, and I can't help but think, "These people really don't know what they're missing."
And I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks. If I have to go through life judged and condemned, thought of as less because I've chosen to put my faith into a Savior and to use every shred of my gifts and talents to glorify His Kingdom, then so be it. If I never win an Oscar because I'm too consumed with creating films that reveal His power, mercy, and love, then I will be perfectly okay with that. Because what is a gold statue in the wake of God? Absolutely nothing.
So I will willingly be used and abused in anyway that is called. I will allow myself to be emotionally drained for the benefits of others. I will sacrifice success by terms of the world in order to please my Lord. Because I owe Him. I owe Him my life for I have truly been saved.
It's the most relieving thing to feel the fire again after I let external forces douse it out over the summer due to my own weaknesses. But the beautiful part is that even though I was weak, even though I feel as if I failed, God never held it against me. He just continued to love me, and He's been telling me this repeatedly as I've struggled to find my place again these past couple of months. As I felt shame and confusion, He just smiled and patiently waited for me to open my eyes. Two weekends ago, I finally did, and it's gotten me to this point where I am walking down the street, and I'm smiling for no reason other than the fact that God is amazing, and He's using me to do great things, and He loves me - and all the pettiness of the world just disappears when presented with those facts.
People can see it, too. As I walked down Waverly Place this afternoon, I mused over how joyful and at peace I felt. A second later, a woman approached me as I had paused to pull my gloves on. She asked me if I was a NYU student, if I went to church, if I studied the Bible, if I wanted to study it more. Once I had answered all these questions, she just continued smiling, told me 'God Bless', and walked off.
Initially, I was just puzzled by this random occurrence and was prepared to just shrug it off as just another one of the weird things that happen in New York. But then in occurred to me - maybe she could tell. Maybe she could tell that my life had been touched, the God had consumed me. They always say that the glory of God shines through and considering how I felt, maybe it did. Why else would this woman with apparently no agenda, walking just as I was, approach me with these questions? There had to be something different that caused her to ask me this, and I'm thinking I know exactly what it was.
His glory is amazing.
Some may scoff. It bothers me simply because I've become apart of the most amazing thing - I wish everyone could experience it. And that's what I've decided to totally dedicate my life to - making sure everyone can experience it. If only just through a kind gesture motivated by the love of Jesus Christ, then so be it. But my life is His because without Him, I would have no life.
It is truly amazing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)