if it kills me.

Originally posted Friday, December 5, 2008 at 3:17 am (EST)


All I really wanna do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
Oh, I think it might kill me
"If it Kills Me" - Jason Mraz.

You get these conceptions about love. Heart stopping, palms drippings, fingers shaking, lost in his eyes, can't live your life without him, intoxication, fascination, indescribable sensations, everything running together insomepassionatewhirlwindohmygosh!

But why be in it for that? I could catch the flu and feel the same way.

I sat there, saturating in a convoluted blend of emotions, thoughts, and prayers, and it became clear that I just want to love him. That good ol' selfless kind that's blind to whether or not anything's being return. Though perhaps happier if he loved me, still quite happy with just loving him. Not just feeling it, but showing it. Not saying it, but acting on it - not with gropes and kisses and awkward stares, but in deeds and compassion. Loving in the purest way possible - not clouded by whatever things I want to do in those fantasies I'd never write about in a note. (haha)

It's funny, because in the New King James Version of one of my favorite passages, it starts with "Love suffers long." I'm more accustomed to the "love is patient" version of the New International Version, because it sounds nicer and flows off the tongue better, but in this moment I've gained a new found appreciate for the NKJV.

Love suffers long. The first statement of that verse. And I know, mostly aided by the other translation, that it's just some fancier way of saying that "love is patient" - that no matter what, love will keep waiting, keep going, keep doing whatever it does in the most ridiculous of circumstances.

But when I read those three words, all that registers is "love hurts." Even more than that, the word "suffer" resonates deeply with me because for however long, I feel like I've been suffering. A torturous kind, probably comparable to slowly dying, which is not something I'd soon associate with something so supposedly wondrous as love, but it's how I feel, and it destroys every definition of love as some fluffy thing.

Because it is far from it. Love is the absolutely most amazing thing ever, but there is often nothing pleasant about it, especially when you're loving stubborn parents and crack addict sisters and clueless boys, but here's the thing about love - it's resilient.

See, my hearts pounds after the first time I've significantly ran in awhile, but I've never felt it ache like this. Someone's slammed their clamps against it, always constricting - the poor muscle can hardly breathe, but am I stopping? Can I stop? It won't let me, because it's love, and love suffers. It suffers long. It keeps aflame through the battering. Infatuation will quit in a heart beat. Love stays on the job, not even making minimum wage, as long as the blood keeps flowing.

It is almost heartbreaking.

Paul goes through a slew of others descriptors of love - all these nice little things that love does, despite the fact that it is suffering, and then verse seven ends.

Then behold verse eight!

Love never fails.

The single most comforting thing to be written on so many different levels.

For those being loved by the Lord - to know that His promises of love are not fleeting, because love never fails.

Then to those that are suffering long with their love. That it is not fruitless. That it will culminate into something - that it's purpose will be accomplished.

Which is why I find myself frowning at the typical picture of love - especially unrequited love - when it's pained, but silent and secret, and looking at some boy with your eyes glazed over, tormented because he won't look at you the same - well, that just might fail. Thinking about him all the time and writing angst into notebooks while acting like nothing is wrong when in his presence - well, yeah, that might fail.

But really loving him - not just being in love with him, but actively loving him. That's where you find your winner. Paul never says that love will be returned. Unrequited and failure does not have to be synonymous, though. Because if it's truly love we're dealing with here, then isn't it enough to know that the love you're showing (not feeling, showing) is benefitting him? If he feels loved, despite of whatever he may be doing back, then mission accomplished!

It's the same kind of mentality, of course, that we should be approaching love in general, not just in this romantic sense, thus the whole point behind "love your enemies", because with love, it's never about you, always about them. And at the end of the day, if you're feeling crappy, but they're smiling - well, then love's done it's job.

But it's a bit of silver lining for the one plagued by a love not returned. And an encouragement to not settle being in love, but to pour out love. Because when it's all said and done, it really does something. Because love never fails.

And hey, maybe I got the whole "love suffers long" thing wrong, in regards to Biblical interpretation, but ever think that God knows exactly what you need at a certain moment, so He presents you another way of looking at something, even if it's contrary to what's generally accepted? Because He knew I didn't need to see "love is patient", but rather "love suffers long."