Yeah, yeah, facts

Originally posted Wednesday, January 20, 2008 at 9:58 pm

Here's the rules of the game: list a 100 random facts about yourself. Tag all your friends and see if they repost.

I got sick of tagging people after number 7 or so, so yeah.

1. I'm addicted to working out. When I don't work out, it's just because there's no time or opporunity that day, and I still feel bad about it. I've worked out 7 out of the 9 full days I've been up here so far. By the end of this week, that number will more than likely be 9 out of 12. 75%.

2. I personally know three other people who were born on the exact same day as me. And one who was born exactly two years after me. The end of October is a popular time for conception.

3. I am also addicted to tetris which is, as my current status states, an art. I have come to learn that these past few weeks.

4. College isn't for me. I don't do structured and monotonous well.

5. God is most important in my life. And I try hard to show it in how I live my life.

6. Entertainment is one of my passions.

7. Filmmaking is my other. It does not fall into the same category as entertainment. Filmmaking is an art. A medium. True film, in the fashion I would like to make, should do more than entertain you. It should make you feel. It should change your life. That's what I want to do with film.

8. In 2005, I made it aware that I did not want to be known as the class clown and rather not be voted that superlative. Two years later, I graciously accepted that title, because it's apart of who I am. I still don't like the title of clown, though. I am a humorist.

9. I write so much better than I speak. I also write so much better than most people. But speak so much worst than most people as well. So it evens out.

10. I will gladly listen to the Jonas Brothers as long as I am blissfully unaware of their fanbase, their supposed fame status, and their strutting.

11. On the subject of music, I joke around a lot about listening to the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, but they are nowhere near my favorite artists, nor do I think their music has much substance beyond catchiness and the occasionally upbeat, positive message.

12. Favorite music? Taking Back Sunday, Jason Mraz, Justin Timberlake, Shakira, and most recently, Paramore.

13. Ludacris is my favorite rapper. TI and Trick Daddy follow that.

14. I really don't think I could become romantically involved with a guy who didn't at least have some skill in basketball. What can I say? Sinking a jump shot turns me on.

15. I also couldn't be romantically involved with a guy who would consider himself good at "beer pong." Or any guy who plays that regularly.

16. I like everyone, unless you've given me a specific reason not to. And I'll tell you that specific reason: you've purposely started crap with me. And even then, I don't dislike you. I just become indifferent. Unless you've started crap with a friend of mine - THEN I dislike you.

17. I never start drama. I can only name one instance, and even then, it wasn't a case of me overreacting over something stupid. It was planned and quite manipulative, I admit, and it wouldn't have even worked if the other party involved hadn't have overreacted about it. But we knew that she would, so thus the plan. I can justify it, really, but I don't feel like going into all of that here. Anyway, all other times, I never started it. Wanna challenge that? I invite you to, but I'll prove it.

18. At this moment, I have 70 subscribers on my youtube channel. Mamma mia! http://www.youtube.com/bethandchanelleshow

19. All things I say to make you laugh, I usually don't think they're funny. I just know what kind of humor the majority of people react to and thus unconsciously create it. I don't consider it selling out, because the only reason I seek to make people laugh is to benefit them. I enjoy seeing people enjoy themselves, and I love being the cause of that.

20. What makes me laugh? Completely random stuff. Silly things that isn't classified as "stupid humor", but definitely only makes a special breed of person laugh. Some things that make the majority laugh make me laugh, too (like Adam Sandler movies), but a lot of things that make the majority laugh, I just find stupid. Like, Charlie the Unicorn. RETARDED.

21. Like I said, I never start stuff, but I always have to retaliate. I've been trying not to lately, but it's definitely a hard habit to break. A lot of the stuff doesn't even bother me - I just have to bite back. It's a pride thing.

22. I took martial arts for six years. The forms I studied were karate, tae kwon do, and this nifty style called tae kuk mu sul.

23. I also used to fence. Only did it for a couple of months, but by the time I was done with it, I had won a few matches. I only learned to do it with a foil.

24. I wanted to attend Stanford University as a Biology major, following a pre-med track, then go to medical school to become a psychiatrist. Then I decided that film school in New York would be so much more fun.

25. On the subject of academics, I'm pretty much a genius, and I say that as humbly as I can, haha. I dunno - I think people see me as a film major and a joker and just don't think of me as being one of those kind of people. But I am.

26. Because I am, I wonder sometimes if I'm wasting my potential, because I could've easily been successful in the medical field, but then I realize that if I went into Biology, I still would've been wasting potential.

27. I don't really like to do work when it comes down to things that don't particularly interest me. So I definitely and honestly didn't in high school (except in AP English 11...well, sometimes). Ended up with a 4.7 GPA - not bad, right?

28. I think I'm humble because I state it as it is then give God all the credit. And I don't think I'm better than anyone else. Because I don't need to compare myself to feel good about myself.

29. I spent a lot of 2005 listening to everybody's problems and dishing out advice. Now I have no interest in being that sort of person, because I feel like I spent over a year just listening to everyone else, but not getting my chance to express myself.

30. Don't expect me to express myself to you, though, unless you're name is Beth or Carmen, or we're talking about trivial concerns. I'm not an open person, and it takes time for me to want to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of a person.

31. As much as I love being the center of attention, I also don't mind being behind the scenes. I've had to do a lot of that throughout my life because I went to a shyness thing that I'm only now starting to grow out of, and I find it intriguing. And it's what's made me a great listener and a decent "expert" on how humans work - because I've just watched them for years. See why I was gonna become a psychiatrist?

32. I love to write, but I feel like something traumatic must've happened at the end of 2005, because after that point, my writing habits went downhill from there. Not sure what happened, but it also does mark a shift from wanting to be a novelist to a filmmaker, because I have tons of story ideas that I now would rather express through film than prose.

33. This number was my trademark basketball number for YEARS. Then I became a sophomore in high school and had to resort to 44. Not a bad alternative.

34. Basketball is another passion of mine. I miss playing organized, competitive ball sooo badly, but the last two years of high school just kind of screwed my mindset over completely. I seriously had the potential to play Division 1 ball. I just was screwed over.

35. I completely understand now why everything that has happened so far in my life did happen. God truly knows what He's doing.

36. I find it ironic how many people consider Christians as close-minded for how they consider God, Jesus, the Bible, and their system of faith as being the only option, yet no one accuses atheists of being close-minded.

37. I do not like it when people are clingy.

38. Nor when people think we're better/closer friend than we're actually are.

39. I am going to raise my kids in Canada.

40. No matter how wealthy or whatever I get, my kids are going to public school. I'm not sheltering them nor paying when the government gives me a completely fine option.

41. I'm a Democrat. Liberal. Whatever you wanna call it. And get pissed when people denounce that just because of the abortion and gay marriage issue, neither of which personally defines me as a democrat, because there are SO many other issues and do not even have anything to do with my political standing, just my spiritual one.

42. I hate it when people aren't consistent.

43. I am possibly the most inconsistent person around.

44. I am a hypocrite.

45. I am also indecisive when it comes to small matters, such as wear I want to eat, what I want to buy, what I want to do, etc.

46. However, for the bigger issues, I know exactly what I want and I refuse to back down from that.

47. I think the color of Hayley Williams' hair is phenomenal. It's not that I want her hair or anything - I just think that shade is amazing.

48. Speaking of amazing colors, I am completely enamored by the color of the sky on a clear day. It is amazing. And it reminds me of God every time.

49. I am also obsessed with the colors of a sunset, especially in New York when it reflects off of the buildings and just emerged the whole entire skyline. Orangeish red/yellow can be amazing when merged together, thus Hayley's hair.

50. I am upset that after all of that, I'm still only halfway done. Wtg?

51. Heights is pretty much the only thing I'm afraid of. And maybe the process of getting close to someone. Not sure of the latter, though.

52. Yes, I can appreciate good country music, and I honestly like the musical stylings of Dolly Parton.

53. I used to dance on the tables when I was in 9th grade, then preach to the masses out of my little Bible.

54. I appreciate "Titanic" in a way that I haven't seen anyone else do. It all lies in the theme I get out of it, said perfectly by aged Rose near the end, "...that he saved me, in every way that a person can be saved." It wasn't a love story to me. It was a life story and how someone came to realization on how to truly live her life. And that whole "I'll never let go" gonch that she says that EVERYONE makes fun of. Get over it - she's talking about all the stuff Jack taught her.

55. By the way, Leonardo DiCaprio is my favorite actor and not for this stunning good looks. Though he definitely has them. But if he was just average, I'd still love him.

56. Natalie Portman is awesome on screen. In case you were wondering. So yeah, favorite actress.

57. The original Star Wars trilogy is definitely up there on my favorites list. The second trilogy released a few years ago kind of really sucks, though. I'd love to re-do it.

58. I'm half Carribean. Or West Indian. Whichever you'd rather. Nevisian, even.

59. I have a lot of Quaker products in my room right now. Instant oatmeal, chewy granola, and I just finished the little rice cakes the other day.

60. My first screen name was KarCJT728. Karate, Chanelle Jasmine Tyson, July 28th. Does it make sense now?

61. I think very highly of my two best friends. And it pisses me off when people try to talk trash about them 'cause yeah, they're so much better than those trash talkers will ever be.

62. I don't care if you do something to me most times. But cross my friends, and I will freakin' make you wish that you didn't. Pisses me off.

63. On a happier note, I think squirrel are really cool. I wish I could have a domesticated one. Someday, I will.

64. I played softball for about 3 years. I had a killer swing, because of my upper body strength, but I'd get so jumpy on the plate that I'd always swing too early. But I could catch them outfield balls like it was nobody's business.

65. Playing the outfield bores the mess out of me, though. Especially when you're playing against a bad team or your pitcher sucks.

66. I genuinely like the song "Nobody's Perfect." Yes, by Hannah Montana.

67. "Set Phasers to Stun", "O. Lover", "Song For A Friend", and "Lovestoned (I Think She Knows Interlude)" absolutely make music for me.

68. HAHAHA I just read that Miley Cyrus OFFICIALLY changed her name from "Destiny Hope Cyrus" to "Miley Ray Cyrus." Like, legally! And that cracks me up. Who the heck would do that at 15? That girl has issues - stick to ONE identity and keep it.

69. If I could change my name...wait. I would never do that. I really genuinely like my name.

70. I love the smell of Tide Soap Powder. Oh my gosh, it smells sooo good.

71. I could eat Italian food everyday. I love the spices, the sauces, and the meats especially.

72. The only good part about Valentine's Day for me is those candy hearts with the writing on them. I love those things - they taste great.

73. I feel like naming every movie that I have up here with me, maybe in hopes that someone reading this note will be comment that they want to watch one with me, 'cause I'm in one of those moods: (the Leonardi DiCaprio ones are reserved for a movie marathon that will happen someday, though)

Batman Returns, Blood Diamond, Catch Me if You Can, Children of Men, The Departed, Domino, Donnie Darko, Edward Scissorhands, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Fargo, Fight Club, Forrest Gump, Gangs of New York, The Godfathr, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, High School Musical, Kung Pow, Mean Girls, Scary Movie 2, Se7en, She's the Man, Sicko, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars trilogy, Talladega Nights, Titanic, The Truman Show, and V for Vendetta.

74. I wish I was either a Power Ranger, a Jedi Knight, and Pokemon trainer, or attended Hogwarts. Too bad I'm past the prime age for, like, all those. Except maybe the Pokemon trainer, but where do I get a Pikachu? Yeah, that's what I thought.

75. Someday I will become a guitar expert.

76. Also, I will someday learn how to do a few tricks pretty well on a skateboard.

77. Degrassi: The Next Generation and South of Nowhere are the two shows that I hardcore follow.

78. I absolutely adore 80's music. Careless Whispers, Our Lips Are Sealed, Beat It, Billie Jean, Islands in the Stream, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, and Take On Me are among my favorites. And Jenny (8675309). And Footloose. Dang, I love it all.

79. Plus the movies. I think Sixteen Candles is the best teen movie ever, and just one of the funniest movies period. And who doesn't love The Breakfast Club? I mean, c'mon! John Hughes is freakin' genius in his own right.

80. Some of the best sounding words/phrases are sadly inappropriate. Like "menage a trois", "cunnilingus", and "douchebag." All fun to say - I wish they didn't mean what they did, haha.

81. Guys with stubble facial hair - oh yeah! I love that.

82. This Sea Island Cotton body splash stuff I got from Bath and Body Works is some of the most satisfying smelling stuff ever. It smells like a cloud. I love it.

83. The headphone jack in my iPod is busted, so music only plays out of one side of any head or earphone I plug into there. I need it repaired.

84. I am using a Mac Book Pro. I kind of miss PC, but I do admit, Macs come with nifty entertainment stuff.

85. I wasn't at all excited about becoming 18. But it's been great so far, but not because of the perks or whatever.

86. I definitely enjoy Christmas carols of all sorts.

87. I also wish I could be a secret agent or a fighter pilot. Has that opportunity already passed? I think I want to make films more, though.

88. Sour Skittles are amazing. Yep.

89. So is the Phantom Tollbooth. You should read that, and the Holy Bible, and anything Tim O'Brein and 1984 and anything Alexandre Dumas and the Lord of the Flies and the Great Gatsby.

90. I didn't really like Catcher in the Rye. I mean, I didn't dislike it. It's a good book, I suppose. But I related it to it way to much, especially at that time I was reading it, for my likiing.

91. I absolutely love playing the Crash Bandicoot series for Playstation 1. If ANYONE has them, let me know. I'm crashing your dorm.

92. I am obsessed with bodies of waters. The larger, the better. I just can't ever stop staring. When flying, when passing over bridges, whenever.

93. Johnny Depp, in my opinion, is the most gorgeous man on Earth.

94. Tom Brady is gorgeous, but I like the boy-next-door subtle cute look of Eli Manning better.

95. I hate it when guys wear skinny jeans. However, I am quite comfortable in the pair I have on right now.

96. Sometimes I feel slightly weird around girls that are taller than me. It's because I'm so used to being the tallest girl that when put in the opposite position...it's kind of weird.

97. I love this city. The skyline, just walking through it. It's pretty great.

98. I never want to live in High Point again. I'll visit or whatever. But I don't want that to be my permanent address. Nothing happens there. It's an awkward town. I don't like it.

99. Los Angeles is calling me. It has been for awhile. I'm gonna get over there as soon as possible.

100. God is amazing. Life is amazing. I am always happy. Though not always satisfied. But definitely happy.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8

Originally posted Friday, October 24, 2008 at 3:56 am

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I always looked at that verse as to how we should love. And it definitely is a great template for that. But it has just occurred to me that that is how God loves us. Of course, I've always believed in the love of God, always known of it, but never exactly delved into what that exactly meant. It's just always been a general thing. But reading every single descriptor of love up above and knowing that that entails the love we receive from Jesus, just makes verses like Romans 8:38-39 even more comforting.

Something I feel like I've dealt with the past few months is specifically stated above - "it keeps no records of wrongs." And I know God forgives - we only have to ask, but it never stopped me from feeling ashamed, dirty - sometimes not even worthy of being apart of God. But that's a fallacy, and all on my part. Because though I can never forgive and forget, God most certainly does. And I may dwell in shame because of my sin, very well past the time I committed it, but there's no need to. God isn't holding it against me. I've sincerely asked for my forgiveness - it's time to move on.

I felt so guilty. I felt as God was telling me something, leading me to a certain direction, and I completely chickened out. I wasn't strong enough because I could act on what the Lord was telling me. But I had a realization today. God understands. He knows how hard it was, that I am only human - He knows exactly why I could've step up to the call. And instead of picturing Him looking down on me and shaking His head in disappointment, I picture Him smiling comfortingly at me, still loving me, telling me "It's okay, Chanelle. It's okay."

Of course, He would've been absolutely thrilled if I'd had the courage to go forth, despite it all. But he's not ashamed of me because I didn't, and I truly feel that in my heart. He knows my shortcomings, but is patient with them, because He loves me, and as the verse entails - "love is patient." And though undoubtedly it would've been better if I just would've pushed through in His intended direction, things will still come together perfectly. Albeit in a different way, but it still will - I know that.

I finally feel like I'm getting it right again, and it feels amazing.

You are truly all that I need

Originally posted Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 2:09am

I just had this feeling come over me.

The feeling of God's arms wrapping around me securely. His head on my shoulder. The sheer power of His endless love as He whispers in my ear, "I've got you, Chanelle. Everything will be okay - I'm taking care of it. I love you."

He's in this room with me. I feel Him, I absolutely know. There are very few things that I can ever be certain of in this life, and there is nothing I am more sure of in this moment than the presence of the Lord, reassuring me.

And how can I not smile widely? The foundations of a life I used to know are forever crumbling into something so perverted that it's unrecognizable. Things are getting more frantic now - I'm living week by week now. There's $162 in my bank account and nothing else is coming in. My meal plans running out, my jeans are ripping to shreds. Hopes of my childhood have shattered - the family I wished to maintain officially broken, and every single things lies completely out of my control. By the end of May, I'll be in the midst of a life completely different than one I've ever thought I'd know.

But why worry? "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouses nor barn; and God feeds them. And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?"

My God will provide for me, this I know. And it's hard to know. I was on the cusp of a legitimate panic attack last night, pacing my room as the distress and hopeless threatened to overcome me. But then tonight I sit here, and I'm the farthest away from that, because it has been confirmed that God is not going anywhere. He will remain by my side.

He is my only certain in life. And I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't know where my next meals are coming from, but I know they're coming. I don't know where I'm going to be living coming this summer, but I know I'll be living somewhere. And how $162 is going to stretch at least three weeks, I have no idea, but I do know it's going to stretch. That's the kind of confidence I have with my God.

So it seems kind of silly to worry. It seems very silly to have these problems take such a high stock in my life. Because how can anything truly be bad when I can feel the presence of the Lord right here next to me? It is the most glorious, reassuring, beautiful feeling, and in the face of that kind of perfection, everything else kind of just fizzles away.

Hallelujah!

Therefore let us pursue things which make for peace...

Originally posted Friday, November 7, 2008 at 5:18am

"Receive one who is weak in faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things.

For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables.

Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him.

Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.

One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.

He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord, and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.

For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself.

For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.

For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living.

By why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

For it is written:

'As I live, says the Lord
Every knee shall bow to Me,
And every tongue shall confess to God.'

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.

Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way."

Romans 14:13


Given the recent dissension amongst Christians in lieu of the result of the most recent elections, I had a note prepared, delving deeper into a case I had already made, hoping to make a point. It was calmly written - it was a passionate note, but it was not an angry or accusatory one, but definitely one meant to prove a point.

I posted this note, let it settle for awhile, but in the midst of my procrastinations and distractions, I somehow returned to the note. The in that moment, a strong feeling arose in my gut. Immediately, I knew what the feeling meant - take down that note.

Immediately, I was reluctant and determined to ignore it. Yet as I moved to X-out of the page, the feeling remained, and I knew it would be a blatant disregard to God's will if I left it up. Against better judgment, my reaction still was along the lines of "Well, He'll get over it. Tomorrow, it won't matter."

But then God brought this verse to my heart, a verse I had came across earlier that day. Romans 14:19 - "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."

And then He spoke to me (and I loosely quote):

"Chanelle, take down the note. You're not wrong, but it won't bring the Christian people together. Take it down."

So I did.

And it's true. It doesn't matter what I intended on fighting or how eloquently and nicely I put it. It doesn't matter how right I believe I am, or how good my intentions were in posting it, because it would've naturally caused disagreement. And though arguing has its fruits, when it gets to the point where it's pitting Christian against Christian - not just over any subject, but over God's Word, Will, and Intent - then we're teetering into something dangerous.

There's nothing wrong with a calm discussion, exploring different sides of an issues, and trying to mutually discover and derive a true meaning, whilst respecting and giving merit to each other's viewpoints. But there's a pretense set to these sort of discussions usually, and the intent is to discover as opposed to convincing.

But I had seen how other arguments on this particular subject developed - it was border-lining malicious with no sort of conceding and barely any respect. Given the subject of my note, there was a high chance that this comment section would've turned into a battlefield. As Christians, that is not what God wants from us - to be pitted against one another over a discord in beliefs, when at the heart of it, we believe in the exact same thing - the love of Jesus Christ.

Both sides were advocating for the same Lord, deriving their reasoning from the same Word, and ultimately came to a conclusion that they felt succeeded in glorifying the Kingdom. Perhaps we need to be focusing on that, because in this world, the last thing we need is a thick, black line separating the Christian community. We can argue over other things as much as we want, but I am quite certain that at least that is not God's Will for us as a body.

I am still highly bothered by some of the things expressed in recent days, but I just have to let it go. That is why I will argue no more, for the stability of our body is more important than defending my viewpoint and what it says about my relationship with God when I am quite confident in it already.

So we shouldn't judge or fight against each other - don't worry about what the other person says about a particular issue in regards to their faith in Christ and if it makes them more or less of a Christian, because the definition of a Christian is not up to us, and if a person's heart really belongs to Christ, despite his opinion on a matter - may it be wrong or right -"God is able to make him stand."

I guess it's less about making sure our specific beliefs align, but realizing that a person can, for example, believe that it is God's will that everyone has a choice (even if it is a choice that we vehemently disagree with), and still most definitely be a serious Christian, just as much as someone who dons the complete opposite standpoint, for "God has received" both. It is not that which defines our faith, but our love for the Lord and our love for others, and what we strive to do to promote both.

And if what we're doing is not out of love, then we have an issue. And I realize that the kind of arguing that I was participating in and potentially promoting was not creating an environment of love, but encouraging a divide. And that does not lead to either peace or mutual edification of the Christian body.

So I apologize for arguing. I stand by what I believe, but fact of the matter is, we've all given up our lives for the same Savior and are all trying to live according to the same purpose - His purpose, and derive our convictions, beliefs, and actions for the same Word. And that's all that matters. So instead of bickering amongst ourselves, instead "let us each be fully convinced in our own mind[s]", let's turn our focus and energy outwards in order to have a truly positive effect on this world by living our lives the right way.

From the Inside Out

Originally posted Friday, October 31, 2008 at 12:33am

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out

-"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong


I feel so desperate when I sing this song. Like it embodies the exact desires of my heart. The last line especially gets me every time. All the emotion nearly drives me to tears - not tears of sadness, not even exactly happiness - just pure passion and love that I can't even begin to express as the presence of the Lord washes over me. No expression seems to do it justice. I love Him so much, I want Him so badly.

And absolutely nothing else matters. If every fiber of my living being isn't dedicated to Him, then I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through life distanced from Him, feeling separated from His glory. Because I've been there far too many times, and every time I escape that dark place, I never want to go back. Because the comparison between being in the presence of the Lord and feeling distant from Him is so drastic - I couldn't imagine spending an eternity away from Him. That's exactly what Hell is - eternal separation from Him. The mere thought sends me to anguish, and I can't help but think, "These people really don't know what they're missing."

And I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks. If I have to go through life judged and condemned, thought of as less because I've chosen to put my faith into a Savior and to use every shred of my gifts and talents to glorify His Kingdom, then so be it. If I never win an Oscar because I'm too consumed with creating films that reveal His power, mercy, and love, then I will be perfectly okay with that. Because what is a gold statue in the wake of God? Absolutely nothing.

So I will willingly be used and abused in anyway that is called. I will allow myself to be emotionally drained for the benefits of others. I will sacrifice success by terms of the world in order to please my Lord. Because I owe Him. I owe Him my life for I have truly been saved.

It's the most relieving thing to feel the fire again after I let external forces douse it out over the summer due to my own weaknesses. But the beautiful part is that even though I was weak, even though I feel as if I failed, God never held it against me. He just continued to love me, and He's been telling me this repeatedly as I've struggled to find my place again these past couple of months. As I felt shame and confusion, He just smiled and patiently waited for me to open my eyes. Two weekends ago, I finally did, and it's gotten me to this point where I am walking down the street, and I'm smiling for no reason other than the fact that God is amazing, and He's using me to do great things, and He loves me - and all the pettiness of the world just disappears when presented with those facts.

People can see it, too. As I walked down Waverly Place this afternoon, I mused over how joyful and at peace I felt. A second later, a woman approached me as I had paused to pull my gloves on. She asked me if I was a NYU student, if I went to church, if I studied the Bible, if I wanted to study it more. Once I had answered all these questions, she just continued smiling, told me 'God Bless', and walked off.

Initially, I was just puzzled by this random occurrence and was prepared to just shrug it off as just another one of the weird things that happen in New York. But then in occurred to me - maybe she could tell. Maybe she could tell that my life had been touched, the God had consumed me. They always say that the glory of God shines through and considering how I felt, maybe it did. Why else would this woman with apparently no agenda, walking just as I was, approach me with these questions? There had to be something different that caused her to ask me this, and I'm thinking I know exactly what it was.

His glory is amazing.

Some may scoff. It bothers me simply because I've become apart of the most amazing thing - I wish everyone could experience it. And that's what I've decided to totally dedicate my life to - making sure everyone can experience it. If only just through a kind gesture motivated by the love of Jesus Christ, then so be it. But my life is His because without Him, I would have no life.

It is truly amazing.

It's a Sham.

Originally posted Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:14pm

They tell us to follow our dreams.
Reach for the stars.
That we're capable of anything if we just put our mind to it.

But they don't mean it.

Or rather, they only mean it in certain cases. The stupid kid that wants to become a doctor, because him not trying and him failing would leave him in the exact same place. And if he succeeds, they can turn it into an unoriginal feature film that raises a decent amount of money, and halfway jumpstarts the career of a child star.

Or the awkward kid trying out for the basketball team. If he gets cut, then it's disregarded and forgotten, and the awkward kid goes back to his Yugioh cards. But if he lands himself a uniform that he'll proudly wear on the bench, then can you say "hollywood movie contract?"

But the second someone wants to do something big, then those statements are retracted. And suddenly, we're to deny our dreams with our feet firmly planted on the ground, and true, we can do anything we put our mind to, as long as it's not too extreme.

And it's crap. The number one enemy of this world isn't risk-takers or big dreamers, or those whose ambitions may seem ridiculously unrealistic. It's fear that stunts us all. Everybody talks about it, but no one is willing to do it.

I'll tell you this - it's not enough to spout the philosophy. It's not enough to claim to believe. Act on it. And forget these double standards. The kid with the workable ambition and the kid with the risky ambition deserve the same support and faith.

Just saying.

The Easter Bunny Scares Me.

Originally posted Sunday, March 23, 2008 at 3:46am

The image of Jesus on the cross sends chills down my spine.

It's one of those things that tears apart my mind in conflict. To be able to witness the sacrifice that saved my soul seems like it would be amazing. But to see the One who loves me the most - a love that no one can even begin to fathom - writhing in agony over someone as insignificant as me...

I know I don't deserve it. That sort of love. The grace that says that despite of all my imperfections and my inherent sinfulness that I can enjoy eternal life and salvation. Not a single thing that God has given me do I deserve.

Yet here I am, blessed beyond all belief - allowed so many things because of a sacrifice that I will never be able to fully grasp. I don't understand - all of that for an opportunity that so many people won't even take advantage of?

I believe Easter's true meaning is even more forgotten than Christmas'. With how commercialized that holiday has sadly become, at least we are constantly presented with spiritual carols and images of the nativity scene. But come Easter time, all I see are stupid multi-colored eggs and ridiculously terrifying personified bunnies, when rabbits can't even lay eggs.

What I don't see enough is the image of an empty tomb - the image that truly separates Jesus from just some prophet who was martyred. Because even though others have been resurrected from the dead (a prime example would be Lazarus), this was only a brief occurrence, for they eventually died permanently. Jesus, however, died, rose again, and then still living, ascended into the heavens.

It's a symbolism of sorts. Just like Jesus was risen from the dead, we are risen from this dead life of sin once we accept Him as our Savior. Jesus mastering death by rising from it shows the true defeat of sin. The Bible often ties the concept of death to that of sin. Thus, Jesus rising from death mirrors that of us rising from sin, and the ability to do that, because of His sacrifice.

I could not possibly imagine having to go through the suffering and pain that Jesus Christ had to, just for a group of violently imperfect creatures who aren't even grateful half of the time for all the amazingness that surrounds them. We don't deserve it. Not in the least bit.

But I am eternally grateful for that blood shed. For the resurrection that occurred afterwards. For the fact that my sins are paid in full and the only thing I had to do was accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and try my very hardest to live a life which glorifies Him (which also benefits me in the long run more than a sinful lifestyle would, anyway).

It's the thing that makes me rest easy at night. Not the pretty basket full of jelly bean that my mother prepared for me. Not the overflow of pinks and yellows and other bright hues plastered everywhere. Not some huge, scary bunny seated in the middle of the mall, allowing children to sit on its lap (how the heck was a rabbit derived as the "mascot" for the secular definition of Easter, anyway)?

But the blood of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.

It's inspirational, you know? If He could go through such suffering for my salvation, than it should be no problem for me to give myself up as a living sacrifice for Him, despite whatever suffering and hardship that may result from it. I owe Him my soul, so I give Him my life.

Romans 3:22-24
"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Romans 7:24
"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Romans 5:6-11
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

Romans 6:6-7
"For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over Him. The death He died, He died to since once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God."

Romans 6:18
"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."

1 Corinthians 15:12
"But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? If there is no resurrections of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that He raised Christ from the dead. But He did not raise Him if in fact the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. And if Christ had not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins."

Ephesians 2:1-5
"As for you, you were dead in your transgression and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

There are so many more verses I can reference, man. The Bible is full of all this amazing stuff.

God is truly amazing and loving. So today I implore you to forget about that creepy Easter Bunny, but rather dwell deeply on and celebrate the ultimate sacrifice - that of Jesus Christ for our souls to be saved from sin so that we can have eternal life.

"Hodgepodge of semi-related dream based thoughts"

Originally posted March 26, 2010 at 1:02 am

Why do I need to make it?

Because it's my way to make a difference.

It's overwhelming, when I appraise the world, and all I feel like I'm seeing is pain. Everyone's despairing, they're all desperate for something - this world's threatening to swallow everyone whole. And I mean, I do have hope - mostly for myself, though, because when I look around at everyone else...goodness, when did the world get so messed up? But it's always been messed up, hasn't it? I've known this, but still, it seemed so far away from me. A tragic, alternate reality that I had always heard about, but kind of brushed aside, because it didn't exist for me in that moment.

Then it struck home. And I've never felt more adult in my life. We were always maturing, getting older, but suddenly, something has shifted, and I'm talking to the same friends I've always had, but we're not kids anymore. Turning 18, starting college - I thought it meant something, but that's not what solidifies one as grown up. It's these situations, where the stakes have been raised, and when I say this is now life or death, I mean it just that - this is literally life or death. This is that real kind of "here today, gone tomorrow." It used to be in a second, everything had changed. Now, in a second, everything is gone.

I see my friends dealing with things that I wish they didn't have to deal with. I'm living vicariously through their pain that I would do anything to take away. I'm standing their helplessly - done with asking "why" and knowing these things had to happen someday, but I've always been into procrastination. Couldn't real life taken a little longer to hit? And now I'm secretly terrified, because we're in a whole different ball game now. Friendships falling apart and parents divorcing - that was child's play. The adult's game - it's much darker. Goodness, is this what coming of age looks likes?

But in spite of this all, I know God is good. I know God is faithful. He has not turned His back, nor will He turn his back. I know this, I really do. But does everyone else know that? And you know, it's not really about me, now is it?

I have this vision. Of Hollywood, but not of flashing lights. Not even of fame. I see myself living to inject something positive into these lives. A smile, a laugh...love. God. I feel hope, and for a second, not just within myself, but for all of them. Goodness, if I could just put a smile on every single person's face. Crafted individually for each one of them and meant to last a lifetime.

Entertainment - it's a gold mine, and no one takes advantage of it except for themselves. When hardly anyone even has true passion for their craft, where can passion for the people experiencing their craft fit in? You can come at it with the goal of wanting to create the best thing possible. Or you can come at it wanting to give people the best thing possible. You can do it for art's sake, or you can do it for their sakes.

I kind of want to change the world. I think with my writing, my comedy, my ideas and whatever talents I have hiding up there - I can do it. I'm not talking world peace, total transformation, everything is perfect and the way it should be kind of business here, though. I dream ambitiously, but I know some limits, and I know perfection cannot exist here on earth. But I want people to know hope. I want people to laugh freely. I want people to experience the transforming love I have through the Lord, Jesus Christ. I want to see a change in the overall demeanor of the world. I want to be able to see light shining through.

And I don't care if Hollywood is the darkest place for a Christian to willingly jump right into, because well, it's the darkest places that need light the most, right? That's just plain logic. The entertainment industry has the most effect on people - my brother will probably more likely listen to Li'l Wayne over my mother - and to picture that influence twisted into something positive...

So I have to make it. Simple as that. That's how I'm gonna do what I've got to do. Do what I love for the people that God loves...the people that I also love.

Goodness, it's not even about fame anymore. It's not about becoming best friends with Taylor Swift or having thousands of people care about my random thought expressed in 140 characters or less. It's never been about the money, and I could live without people liking me. I just have something that I really want to do for this world.

So that's why I'm never letting go of this dream. That's why I refuse to subscribe to whoever's realistic expectations. That's why I only see one path ahead of me, and I determined to stick to it. Because people are crying out for something. This world is decaying, and I know I'm not a savior, but I pray that my Savior will use me to make a difference.

That's all, I think.

"Attempted Poetics"

Originally posted November 21, 2008 at 5:09pm

First semester of senior year was characterized by a summer breeze in those islands in the stream, by death threats from Carroll, fake infants made from blankets, accusations against my maturity - comparable of that of a simple five year old - saving the cafeteria from peril, wearing homemade bonnets, creating catch phrases, and offering foot washing services to bathroom patrons.

It was characterized by rednecks and situations turned ugly...three times! A hillbilly rap that revolutionized the school and a ridiculous truck line. Tiny ones with their duck stew and skinny ones with their baggage and tall ones who broke hearts without even realizing it. Then Taylor Swift appreciated for the first time in the back of a SUV, delivering wreaths and guided by an automated voice.

It was characterized by decay - decaying morals and friendships and resolve and deer carcasses, laying in front of my car. Best friend crying in front of her car courtesy of a psycho ex-girlfriend. Parking in the same spot, everyday - the jeep that used to park right next to me, but then moved three spaces down. Wishing certain cars would park just a little bit closer so I could scrape them when I opened my door. Tying ribbons and tampons to antennas and using spit on kleenex to wipe off the retaliation written across my windows.

Playing the role of the confidant. Stepping into the place of the secret keeper. Never getting anything in return. Frustrations abound and trying to hard for something that was never meant to work. Realizing the true meaning of the bonds I made with dreams of escaping off to New York City to leave the truth behind forever. Confessions over online messages and feigning innocence as the family fell apart. Wishing and praying that it would all finally be over - that I could just move on.

Threats and faux-restraining orders and myspace wars raged. IMs that incited tensions and changed lives. Overplayed Jason Mraz songs on my iPod, skipping CDs in my car - Shakira’s Fool during the day, Mraz’s Tonight Not Again at the nights, and Justin’s Lovestoned once the weather turned cold. Twisting and turning lyrics so they’d mean something to me.

Oh, the horror of Saw movie marathons and hysterical tricycling clowns and unnecessary blood and gore. The horror of how I felt and what it meant and the horror of secret myspaces full of disturbing imagery of what happened when a girl lost all of her esteem. The horror of reality when the day after I tried to quit caring, I found out who had hit rock bottom and how I could do absolutely nothing to help it. And crying, from the fear. Sobbing at the terror. Weeping..oh, the horror!

Standing in the bonus room, phone to my ear, singing on love, in sadness, waiting in anxious anticipation for the chance to change or ruin it all...

Sitting on the computer the day after, filling out a myspace survey that lead to the ushering in of a new era when I revealed the location of who I now considered my best friend.

High speed chase down Clinard Farm Road, laughing and yearning, revving engines, and receiving vague voicemails from angry mothers protecting over-dramatic offspring. Faking excuses, then officially knowing that it was finally over.

And standing there amongst family on New Years Eve, counting down and not knowing what to expect, but forever glad that I was finally escaping that dreadful year of 2006.

Officially ushering in the year documenting a six hour car trip and watching Hannah Montana date her brother and menstruating, which had to be a bad omen because it was only the first day, and already I was bleeding.

Skipping basketball practice the next day because of excruciating cramps and laying on the couch that night watching an obscure Cameron Diaz movie on HBO with my mother, hoping I’d hear the garage door open and the Beemer drive in and my father walk through, but not getting my wish until hours later as I lie awake pathetically in bed.

Shooting off a text right before I cut off the lights - one that proved my weakness. One that proved that somehow somewhere, I still cared.

Impromptu shooting for the dreaded senior project and having a great night once it was all over and done with plenty of cake and innuendoes from someone you wouldn’t expect. And hearing about that dang party everywhere I turned and not wanting to go, but feeling that everyone else was invited simply to rub it in my face.

Dreams crushed by a 28.5 inch ball, bricking off the rim and slamming into my once hopeful heart. Loyal friends attending games they didn’t have to and former friends showing up for the game after mine when they wouldn’t come at all the year before. Cursing and crying mingling in the locker room. Not being able to love it anymore.

Then it was over. Dreading the next, but knowing it was the last. And amazed at how far I’d slid and how much that had changed in a matter of mere months.

My advice:

Originally Wednesday, November 12 at 11:27 pm

Never regret anything. Do not let yourself miss out on something because you're afraid of getting too deeply in. Do not deny your emotions; embrace them. It might hurt you at first, but it's better in the long run. Do not cheat yourself out of a complete life.

And some people are beautiful just the way they are. And though change is inevitable, not everything has to change. Always keep your essense, no matter what. Never let a chance slip. Don't be afraid of the truth. And appreciate what you have while you still have it. Because one day, you won't have it anymore.

And when you don't have it anymore, do not get caught up in the past. Respect the past, remember the past, but do not get caught up in it. Because remember the past is just exactly that. It's in the past. It cannot be altered. It's already done and over with. Just accept that and move on and try to make sure that your future makes up for your present.

It's better that way.

From November 12, 2006

"Feeling good."

Originally posted Friday, October 10, 2008 at 9:31pm

Maybe you can't live an amazing life all the time. But to live it in moments is better than to never have lived it at all. And if in another second, this feeling goes away, then that's okay - as long as I've got it right now.

And this isn't some theory of instant gratification. It's taking the good, knowing that there's going to be bad, but getting to the bad when it comes. I've made that mistake before - not ever being able to enjoy those spurts of amazingness because I was so worried as to when it was going to end, because I knew it was going to end. Well, of course it's going to end - life's cyclic, but if fear of the future is going to keep you from enjoying the present, then you might as well not ever be happy.

"Ha, I'm completely horrible"

Originally posted Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 2:04 am

Want to read about in detail some of the craziest things I did in high school? Sure you do! I came across an old list I had made, by the way. So all of this is not from the top of my head at 2 in the morning.

Ninth Grade

At lunch, when it got warm enough to sit outside, I would stand up on the picnic tables, and sing and dance. Some people were amused. Most people thought I was retarded. I did it anyway, even though my friends disowned me. Those friendships were pretty shallow back then. Now I know Beth would be dancing with me...well, she better haha.

One time, my friend Holly let me have her pudding cup, and I ate the entire thing sensuously with my tongue, aimed at Beth's then boyfriend, the infamous Garrett. He was incredibly uncomfortable, but everybody else was amused...and somewhat put off.

After school on day, Beth and I were walking down the stairs, and I came across a random lunch tray just laying them. There was slaw on the lunch tray. So, being fourteen, I punted it against the wall, much to Beth's amusement. Later, I found out that she...well, I won't reveal that, haha.

The week of Valentines Day, we were given the option to send out Valentines to whoever we wanted to be delivered on that Friday. I bought multiple ones, signed them as 'your secret admirer', (foolishly) put my phone number on them, and sent them to four guys on the men's basketball team...and Garrett haha

I had Creative Writing my second semester, so prompted by a book, I created the story of Toxic, which was fictional, but used the same people in my life, and twisted actual happenings in my life. It became a cult classic and some if it can now be read still on my myspace blog, if you go far enough back in its archives.

Tenth Grade

This was apparently a kind of uneventful year, but on the first day, I took it upon myself to harass freshmen. Stealing a line from Mean Girls, I went up to one and said "You're really pretty." He just nodded. "So you agree?" He nodded again. "You think you're really pretty?" He was sort of bewildered. My friends thought it was funny. I could still point out that freshman during my senior year.

We had a carnival that year, and at the time, Beth was dating a complete gonchhole who was being incredibly immature and annoying. Beth and others were manning the "Pie a Teacher in the face" booth, so I stole a pie and pied her boyfriend in the face. Garrett, who was also constantly harassed by this boy, followed up with another pie. It was a beautiful moment.

Every year at our school, there was Winter Ball. I didn't go during ninth grade, but decided that I was gonna go during tenth, but not tell anyone. Actually, I had to tell Katie and Alex, 'cause I had lunch with them and that's when the Winter Ball tickets were sold, but I didn't tell Beth. Come Winter Ball, I showed up late and to everybody's surprise. Then danced like a maniac, using my shawl as a tool to lure people in. Those who have been to Club Chanelle, it was similar to how I use my scarf.

This time on Valentines Day, we had the option to buy song-a-grams for people. So Katie and I chipped it to buy a song-a-gram for our beloved Garrett. The song we chose to be sung to him? Pretty Woman. He was mortified. I was congratulated on it a few times, haha.

Eleventh Grade

Randomly in Boulton's class, Beth started singing the song "Get It" by the Ying Yang Twins, but added weird sound effects to it. So it went like this: "Get it, girl. Bum bum. Ding ding. Wikki wikki." So her, Alex, and I got the bright idea to perform that version in the middle of class. We used the pencil sharpener as one of our instruments. Boulton got mad and threatened to kick us out of the room and write us up, haha.

Speaking of Boulton's class, I was a generally disturbance, since I sat in between two of my closest friends, so I was forever getting called out by him in that class. So one day, I made it my mission to see how many times I could get called out by him in one day. I made it to three until he caught up and got mad.

Okay, his class was just crazy. In one of the history books, someone had created a game where you started at the beginning, and you were told to turn to certain pages. On each page, there was something funny made using the pictures in the book. So Beth and I decided to create our own "history book game", which was hilarious, but highly inappropriate. We had a ball showing it to other people, until Boulton caught it. Not us, but the book. He then lectured both of his classes about defiling history books.

After school one day, I decided to sit on top of Beth's jeep and yell out random things, like some drunken and crazy hobo to everyone in the student parking lot. That was kind of crazy.

On club picture day, Katie and I decided to crash as many club pictures as we possibly could. So if you have a yearbook from the 2005-2006 school year at Southwest, you'll see my image in a bunch of clubs that I was not a member of. Ironically, I was in the Spanish Club, but not in the picture, because they did that one over.

One day after school, Beth and I used aluminum foil to make "grillz", blasted rap music, and rode around the school parking lot, like gangstas.

I also wrote a funny musical about my 11th grade year.

In AP English, we had to do a project on aphorisms, which are wise little sayings, and present them in a clever way with a theme. Being the controversial person I am, I did mine on sex aphorisms. How did I present them? In a box labeled "aphoraga." Get it? C'mon, you have to get it. Hiller loved it.

Apparently, I'd spurt out "Yo soy muy attractiva!" random times during my H Spanish 4 class.

Last period, second semester, I had class in the quads, which were pretty much just upgraded trailers that had four classrooms each in them. I had AP Stats that semester and Mr. Parker always let us go outside to do our work. In the quad right next to us, Beth had French, and the window would always be open. So when we were outside, I'd talk to her secretly through the window, and at some points, sneak in through the window.

At Katie's birthday party, I sang a great and seductive rendition of "Don'tcha" by the Pussycat Dolls, dedicated to Katie's boyfriend.

Twelfth Grade

First semester, early in the school year, I used my jacket as a cape and claimed to be "Super Chanelle." I ran through the cafeteria like a superhero (retard haha), and acted like I was saving people from hunger. The people at my lunch table thought it was funny. Beth thought it was so funny that she spewed her Cheerwine all over Meaghan, haha.

When Beth began hanging out/dating rednecks (haha), I wrote a rap called "Black Redneck" and performed it constantly for a month. People would always request it. Second semester, Beth and I tried out for the talent show using it. And we made it, somehow. And performed, offended black people from Andrews, and go booed, but also cheered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuydA1qxWOM - The first (and most famous) verse of the rap, performed live.

In AP English 12, we had to do a advertising project, based on 1984. The ad I picked was one for tampons. So for my presentation, I created a personified tampon, known as "Mr. Tampon", which was a tampon with a smiley face on it, that I held as I presented my project.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRzpI8o70k0 - Mr. Tampon on the Beth and Chanelle show.

On one of the colder days, Beth brought a blanket to school. So during leadership class and lunch, we bundled it up to make it look like a baby, and carried it like one around the cafeteria, showing our principal, among others. That night, I had a basketball game, and inspired by our earlier antics, Meaghan brought a real baby doll with her. So I carried it around like it was real child into the gym, and as I walked by the cheerleaders (who were cooing at what they thought was a real baby), I pretended to drop it. Ha, that was classic.

Beth and I created this elaborate "hoax" of sorts, revolving around what we called "embodiments." The main one was Butch, and we used her name all the time, and talked about her as if she was a real person. When people began questioning "Who is Butch?", we would simply answer "an embodiment." To this day, no one really knows the deal about Butch. Except, Beth and I...and well, a lot of others now, haha.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=114291591 - Butch's myspace.

Beth's sister had a pair of reindeer antlers from some Christmas program that she was in, so Beth brought them to school, and we would take turns wearing them throughout the day, just for kicks.

For prom, I concocted a mixture of two large energy drinks, and one caffeinated soda to create a highly caffeinated drink to consume entirely that night. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I only had about a fourth of it, but I was still incredibly hyper.

The last day of school (for seniors), my mom let me drive her Infiniti QX4, FINALLY, with the awesome sound system, so I burned a mix, and Beth and I danced to the loud music in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before school started. Everyone was there early because it was also senior project day for half of the seniors, so they saw Beth dancing on top of her jeep and stuff.

For Senior Switch day, I switched places with our student resource officer. I went around with handcuffs and arrested everyone, including teachers. It was nifty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXASz5l_OxY - Me arresting people.

Also, Beth was able to still fit into her locker from 9th grade, so she sat in it before the final bell rang, then pretended to be stuck as everyone filed into the hallway. Multiple people believed us and tried to help her out. haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYIzk0mFRvU - Beth in the locker.

For old times sake, Beth and I bought a container of slaw from Chick Fil-A, and I did the exact same thing that I did in ninth grade, haha. Horrible of us, I know, but it was worth the laugh between the two of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmVp_qxEkfA - Return of the slaw.

Man, there were so many other completely crazy things that we did. Like period capers, when we took a pad and tampon, but ketchup on it, then stuck them to our friend's truck when he was in the movies. He still doesn't know it was us that did it, haha. Or when we got kicked out of WalMart - there's a vide of that on facebook and youtube, too.

I should attempt to go to bed now, instead of giving into my insomnia.

"Don't toy with my emotions (Already that deep, huh?)"

Originally posted Friday, April 18, 2008 at 12:41 am

Progression

Six months of sixteen, and it was all falling apart

Forced to trudge through bleak halls with something heavy on my heart

Cliche like the day I had my first vodka shot

But it couldn't get worse from there, or so I thought

I stood there helplessly as friends were snatched away

Screamed and cried, but the temptation stayed

The world don't stop for no one as it corrupts young souls

Vivid visions I'll have to live with till I grow old

Like her subtle decay from great to skank

There purely one minutes before the pressure took her away

Now she's hit rock bottom, and I don't think life's fair

Crying because it's irreversible. Crying because I still cared.

Six months of seventeen - it's better, but worse

The main problem's out of my life, but I think I've been cursed

Friendships ended, the implications set in

As I lie to myself, deny that I want it to be "back then"

Turn a corner, and it's a confrontation with my past

Innocence and naivete that I swore would last

But now the world around me was hell, and I was about to slip in it

Vague tugging in my heart, pleading with me not to do it

Big dreams crashed in the rubble with my youth

Then the defilement of love - that word is so screwed

At least in regards to marriages ripped apart

By a desperate little whore with a blackened heart

Six months of eighteen - all I can do is smile

I think I'll embrace this peace for awhile

Like for the rest of my life - why stop it now?

Thanks to constant searching by my Lord, my soul's finally re-found

External circumstances still burn, but it's a singe I ignore

Set a match to all that was before

Ashes of the past come together to burn brightly in my life

Was a mess back then, but now it's all right

That two year drought of angsty adolescence

It's raining hard now - the stressing never happened

It all happens for a reason - some call it fate

I call it God bestowing me with strength

I'd live through the pain again

If I knew I'd come out like this in the end

Written February 22, 2008.

Figures the ending, which is supposed to be the positive lesson, sucks. Maybe I'll re-do it at a later time. Probably doesn't help that I couldn't read all my handwriting from the original copy.