And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out
-"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong
I feel so desperate when I sing this song. Like it embodies the exact desires of my heart. The last line especially gets me every time. All the emotion nearly drives me to tears - not tears of sadness, not even exactly happiness - just pure passion and love that I can't even begin to express as the presence of the Lord washes over me. No expression seems to do it justice. I love Him so much, I want Him so badly.
And absolutely nothing else matters. If every fiber of my living being isn't dedicated to Him, then I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through life distanced from Him, feeling separated from His glory. Because I've been there far too many times, and every time I escape that dark place, I never want to go back. Because the comparison between being in the presence of the Lord and feeling distant from Him is so drastic - I couldn't imagine spending an eternity away from Him. That's exactly what Hell is - eternal separation from Him. The mere thought sends me to anguish, and I can't help but think, "These people really don't know what they're missing."
And I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks. If I have to go through life judged and condemned, thought of as less because I've chosen to put my faith into a Savior and to use every shred of my gifts and talents to glorify His Kingdom, then so be it. If I never win an Oscar because I'm too consumed with creating films that reveal His power, mercy, and love, then I will be perfectly okay with that. Because what is a gold statue in the wake of God? Absolutely nothing.
So I will willingly be used and abused in anyway that is called. I will allow myself to be emotionally drained for the benefits of others. I will sacrifice success by terms of the world in order to please my Lord. Because I owe Him. I owe Him my life for I have truly been saved.
It's the most relieving thing to feel the fire again after I let external forces douse it out over the summer due to my own weaknesses. But the beautiful part is that even though I was weak, even though I feel as if I failed, God never held it against me. He just continued to love me, and He's been telling me this repeatedly as I've struggled to find my place again these past couple of months. As I felt shame and confusion, He just smiled and patiently waited for me to open my eyes. Two weekends ago, I finally did, and it's gotten me to this point where I am walking down the street, and I'm smiling for no reason other than the fact that God is amazing, and He's using me to do great things, and He loves me - and all the pettiness of the world just disappears when presented with those facts.
People can see it, too. As I walked down Waverly Place this afternoon, I mused over how joyful and at peace I felt. A second later, a woman approached me as I had paused to pull my gloves on. She asked me if I was a NYU student, if I went to church, if I studied the Bible, if I wanted to study it more. Once I had answered all these questions, she just continued smiling, told me 'God Bless', and walked off.
Initially, I was just puzzled by this random occurrence and was prepared to just shrug it off as just another one of the weird things that happen in New York. But then in occurred to me - maybe she could tell. Maybe she could tell that my life had been touched, the God had consumed me. They always say that the glory of God shines through and considering how I felt, maybe it did. Why else would this woman with apparently no agenda, walking just as I was, approach me with these questions? There had to be something different that caused her to ask me this, and I'm thinking I know exactly what it was.
His glory is amazing.
Some may scoff. It bothers me simply because I've become apart of the most amazing thing - I wish everyone could experience it. And that's what I've decided to totally dedicate my life to - making sure everyone can experience it. If only just through a kind gesture motivated by the love of Jesus Christ, then so be it. But my life is His because without Him, I would have no life.
It is truly amazing.
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out
-"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong
I feel so desperate when I sing this song. Like it embodies the exact desires of my heart. The last line especially gets me every time. All the emotion nearly drives me to tears - not tears of sadness, not even exactly happiness - just pure passion and love that I can't even begin to express as the presence of the Lord washes over me. No expression seems to do it justice. I love Him so much, I want Him so badly.
And absolutely nothing else matters. If every fiber of my living being isn't dedicated to Him, then I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through life distanced from Him, feeling separated from His glory. Because I've been there far too many times, and every time I escape that dark place, I never want to go back. Because the comparison between being in the presence of the Lord and feeling distant from Him is so drastic - I couldn't imagine spending an eternity away from Him. That's exactly what Hell is - eternal separation from Him. The mere thought sends me to anguish, and I can't help but think, "These people really don't know what they're missing."
And I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks. If I have to go through life judged and condemned, thought of as less because I've chosen to put my faith into a Savior and to use every shred of my gifts and talents to glorify His Kingdom, then so be it. If I never win an Oscar because I'm too consumed with creating films that reveal His power, mercy, and love, then I will be perfectly okay with that. Because what is a gold statue in the wake of God? Absolutely nothing.
So I will willingly be used and abused in anyway that is called. I will allow myself to be emotionally drained for the benefits of others. I will sacrifice success by terms of the world in order to please my Lord. Because I owe Him. I owe Him my life for I have truly been saved.
It's the most relieving thing to feel the fire again after I let external forces douse it out over the summer due to my own weaknesses. But the beautiful part is that even though I was weak, even though I feel as if I failed, God never held it against me. He just continued to love me, and He's been telling me this repeatedly as I've struggled to find my place again these past couple of months. As I felt shame and confusion, He just smiled and patiently waited for me to open my eyes. Two weekends ago, I finally did, and it's gotten me to this point where I am walking down the street, and I'm smiling for no reason other than the fact that God is amazing, and He's using me to do great things, and He loves me - and all the pettiness of the world just disappears when presented with those facts.
People can see it, too. As I walked down Waverly Place this afternoon, I mused over how joyful and at peace I felt. A second later, a woman approached me as I had paused to pull my gloves on. She asked me if I was a NYU student, if I went to church, if I studied the Bible, if I wanted to study it more. Once I had answered all these questions, she just continued smiling, told me 'God Bless', and walked off.
Initially, I was just puzzled by this random occurrence and was prepared to just shrug it off as just another one of the weird things that happen in New York. But then in occurred to me - maybe she could tell. Maybe she could tell that my life had been touched, the God had consumed me. They always say that the glory of God shines through and considering how I felt, maybe it did. Why else would this woman with apparently no agenda, walking just as I was, approach me with these questions? There had to be something different that caused her to ask me this, and I'm thinking I know exactly what it was.
His glory is amazing.
Some may scoff. It bothers me simply because I've become apart of the most amazing thing - I wish everyone could experience it. And that's what I've decided to totally dedicate my life to - making sure everyone can experience it. If only just through a kind gesture motivated by the love of Jesus Christ, then so be it. But my life is His because without Him, I would have no life.
It is truly amazing.
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